I want to say thank you for taking time to read this post. I know that for a lot of us we turn to this site and others like it for support and hope that we will overcome what is to alot of us a major obstacle in life (and to some like me, the largest obstacle that we have ever faced) and I am now turning to you all for help and to share a part of my story in hopes that it may help somebody out there.
I am 33 years old, i have been a porn addict since i was first introduced to it by mags at a very young age of about 8 years old, porno movies at about 11 and moved on to internet porn at about 13. I had a troubled upbringing and masturbation and porn was a natural distraction from my problems, I was heavily addicted. I never knew why i had erectile dysfunction problems, from the very first time I ever tried with a girl at 15 years old, I was completely limp.
Over the years several docs, urologists, endocrinologists, therapists and psychologists will tell me that my ED is due to anxiety and or depression. Those same docs would also go on to tell me that masturbation is normal and that it is healthy to masturbate, especially if you arent having sex. I have had countless attempts since my first time trying, hoping that i would somehow overcome my “anxiety” even if I was in a steady relationship you would figure I would be less nervous, well i didn’t feel nervous but I was taking the docs word for it, but the ED remained. I have been desperate to find what is going on with me, desperate to end this struggle. I became convinced that it had to be a physical and or hormonal problem. i have tried just about everything imaginable.
i wouldn’t dare even try to list all of the crazy things that I have attempted to try to cure the ED but will talk about one very particular thing that I did and this is the biggest reason that I am writing this post in hopes that I can somehow calm my mind and find solace and hope that what i did will not have a detrimental effect on my long term progress with no PMO. 2 years ago I was watching a TV program called StrangSex – it was a documentary on a kid (Dylan) who had experienced e.d from a blocked artery leading to his penis. He underwent a surgery that rerouted the blood flow to his penis from one artery to a different artery (penile revascularization). I ended up flying out to California to visit the same doctor that Dylan had visited, Dr Irwin Goldstein. After a lot of testing Dr Goldstein had concluded that I too must have a blocked artery, he first put me on hormone therapy and after zero progress he insisted that I undergo the surgery, so I did.
It is a pretty decent sized surgery, 6 hours of him cutting up a artery in my abdomen and another incision that went in through my testicles in what is described by dDr. Goldstein as “Turning your penis inside out”. The surgery went perfect is what Dr. G. had said, now it is just the waiting game and I should see that my erections return to normal within 6 months to 1 year. I waited patiently, but nothing and in fact, I felt as though i am having an even harder time with my erections!! Now I am freaking out at this point, what have i done?? In what was supposed to heal my problem, I let a surgeon cut at me until i was now somehow even worse then before!!
I flew out to his offices after about a year and told him how I feel as though I am not as sensitive as I used to be and feel as though it is even more difficult then before to get and erection. He had me undergo some more testing and told me these words “I am changing your diagnosis to a hormonal imbalance and not lack of blood flow,” I was speechless at this remark. How could someone convince me that I need to undergo this surgery and put so much on the line and tell me that without the surgery that I will never be normal, sit here and tell me that he is “changing my diagnosis”!!! I was horrified, I got to the point where I felt I had made such a horrible mistake that I can not undo. The surgery did the opposite, it is now something that I will be stuck with for the rest of my life.
I felt into a deep depression, thoughts of suicide were now a part of daily living. The only question was, which way am I going to decide to end my life. I did not see a purpose to extending my miserable life and it is time to bring it to an end. Now, I do not consider myself to be a depressed person. In fact I have a lot of blessings that i am very thankful for in my life. I did not like having these horrible thoughts. I did not tell people about them (other then my brother). I was not looking for attention in anyway. I truly and sincerely wanted to die because I could not at this point see the hope in fighting anymore.
I do not remember how it happened, or what I must have Googled to come across it, but one day I came across “yourbrainonporn”. I watched video after video read dozens of stories and it very quickly started to click, How the hell could I have been so stupid? Imean it almost seems like now that i look back that it was right there in the back of my mind like a faint little whisper that was drowned out by all the noise of confusion – the answer is the porn!!! It is my pleasure that is bringing me so much pain. I decided to devote myself to the practice of NOFAP. I made it over 45 days one time. This was quite an accomplishment because the longest I had ever gone before was a week at most.
I felt that things were starting come together: got over my major struggle with brain fog, I had morning wood for the first time in like a decade, I was laying next to my girlfriend at the time and would get hard just laying there next to her. Iwas so excited for these changes that I would have to stop and catch my breath and convince myself that I am not dreaming that those things actually happened. I ended up relapsing and then another relapse follow by another. My depression came back hard. My fog seemed to be even more intense. I was going through personal struggles and found myself turning to my old vice for stress relief. I hated myself for it. I was disgusted that I turned back to what I hated. I found the courage to keep up the fight and go stronger and tougher then before.
I am now on my longest streak of roughly 60 days. Iam in a real flatline, however, I have seen some of what I would consider astonishing improvements. I have had morning wood a couple times that were very impressive. I have a couple times tested my erections (without porn) and found them to be rock hard and able to maintain them even when changing my position from laying down to standing up to sitting down. Before it was impossible for me to do this. I know that I am in a flatline and have no desire for sex right now but I feel more and more daily that I am a happier, more out going person. I love being able to think more clearly again and not have to struggle with brain fog, as I had for so many years. Things are much more clear again. I still get those doubting thoughts in my head every once in a while with worry that I did something with the surgery that did cause long term damage, but then I see that I have made alot of progress and try to convince myself that I am physically fine, that rewiring will prove to be the the path to healing and that the surgery will have no ill effects on me and maybe it even did make things better.
I hope that if you took the time to read this, that you may take away from it that we have all had hardships to overcome with this journey. That each of us suffers in our own ways, that we in fact are not alone and that together we act as one consciousness to bring awareness to this epidemic. I thank all of you who have shared your stories. I read them and they strengthen me and I encourage any of you who have thought about sharing but have not yet taken the steps to share your story to do so. If not for your sake then for the sake of others who might benefit from hearing a similar story to their own. I will gladly read them and I hope to take away something from each one of you and your stories as I have taken away from so many others and the experiences that they have shared.
Thank you
LINK TO POST – 60 days, seeing improvements
By – rainman001
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