I thought since this site helped me on my journey, I would pay it forward and tell my story. I can consider myself completely cured of my PIED.
The Problem:
Ever since I was a little kid I’ve had a strange fascination with a certain fetish of mine, and that fetish is Ballbusting. If you don’t know what that is, check urban dictionary. I remember the very first time I orgasmed it was masturbating to ballbusting. There are hundreds of erotic ballbusting fantasy stories online and over the years I read almost all of them. I usually masturbated to these stories but I also watched videos. Over the years I kept needing more and more to get me off, eventually I needed stories involving castration to get me off. So it got pretty extreme. I know it’s a little weird, and obviously not applicable to any real sexual relationship. I also couldn’t sleep unless I masturbated. I really didn’t think it was a problem for at least 10 years. Then in college when I started to find myself in bed with girls, to my horror I could not get hard. At first I thought the girls were not attractive enough, but then when I couldn’t even get hard to girls I thought were sexy as hell, I knew something was wrong. I became depressed. I had no idea where to turn so I visited a urologist. I insisted something was wrong with my penis but tests and blood work proved my penis functioned perfectly. One time I broke down and cried right there in the doctor’s office because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. My doctor deduced that the problem was in my brain and referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I had symptoms of anxiety and obsessiveness. He prescribed my Xanax because he believed I had Performance Anxiety. I definitely think part of my problem was anxiety but the glaring flaw of Xanax is that it lowers my libido to basically nothing. After several failed attempts with Xanax I decided to take matters into my own hands. I started to research online how to heal myself. Eventually I realized I had PIED.
Flatline:
I researched for many hours and after practically becoming an expert on PIED I decided to give up porn for good. Giving up porn was actually easier than I thought, what I didn’t expect was the horrible flatline. I had read about the flatline, but it was way worse than I expected. During the flatline I had zero libido. I actually felt like an A-sexual, which was very bizarre and socially debilitating. Unfortunately it was during this time that I started dating the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. For awhile I avoided being physical with her because for one I had no libido, but also because I knew I would just disappoint her with my PIED. Eventually I couldn’t avoid it any longer and I found myself in bed with her, unable to get hard. After several failed attempts she left me. I still get sad when I think about her. After that I almost believed that I had masturbated to ballbusting for so long that nothing else could get me off. Luckily I didn’t give up. I pressed on. Flatlines are easier if your single anyway.
Relapse:
After maybe two months of intense flatline I started to get morning erections and my libido started to return. Once it returned I was eager to put it to use. I was able to make out with girls and actually get hard. I thought I was cured. I even had sex with one girl at least 10 different times over the course of a summer. It usually required a bit of alcohol but it worked. I ignorantly thought all my problems were in the past. But then we broke up. Shortly after that I relapsed. I masturbated to my fetish many times over the course of two weeks. After I relapsed it was like someone opened the a floodgate and all my symptoms came rushing back. It’s actually quite amazing how fast all my symptoms returned. I became depressed again but this time at least I had the knowledge that healing is possible.
Recovery:
I decided to give up porn again. I’m not perfect, I relapsed several more times after the initial relapse but every time recovery was a little easier. I abstained from porn for about a year, with small relapse every couple months. I could tell that during that year, despite my relapses, I was on the gradual road to recovery. Then one day, about a year and a half since I realized I had PIED, I started dating this girl and I started to fall in love with her. She was caring and funny and sexy and she started to fall in love with me too. When I started dating her I knew I could make out with a girl and get a hard on but when I tried to put a condom on, my erection would always die. That was the performance anxiety. And indeed the first couple times we tried to have sex, I failed. But I decided to open with her. I didn’t tell her I was a recovering porn addict, and i definitely didn’t tell her about my fetish, but I did reveal I had performance anxiety. I told her that it’s not her fault and that she is sexy and beautiful but that I just have anxiety with new partners. I told her that if she’s patient, I would be able to get hard in time. She was very understanding, which relieved my anxiety a lot. Eventually I could get hard and have sex with her. Since then we’ve had sex 45 times without fail. I can say now that I find her sexier than any porn I’ve masturbated to. I think my brain is currently rewiring to be attracted to actual sex and not porn, and with her at least, I have zero anxiety. It was a long road to recovery but I can definitely say that I am cured. It is possible. My PIED is cured for now but I know that I can never let myself become consumed by porn again or I will lose all my progress.
My Advice:
- Don’t obsess over your PIED/Performance Anxiety/Flatline or anything like that. For a time I was consumed with figuring out what was wrong with me and how to cure it. I spend countless hours researching online. Right when I got home from class I would go straight to my computer to research. It was during this time that I was the most depressed. When I was obsessed I sulked and I cried. Eventually I forced myself to stop thinking about it and move on with my life and just never masturbate again. After I stopped letting my PIED consume my thoughts I eventually felt happier and I improved quicker. Instead of focusing on PIED, find something else to focus on.
- Eat and live healthy. Instead of obsessing over my PIED, I became obsessed with fitness. I started going to the gym every day and eating a strict diet. My health improved along with my mood. I looked better and felt better, which was a huge boost to my confidence and my wellbeing.
- Once you are out of the flatline, find a fulfilling relationship. Find someone that is willing to be patient with you and your problem. Then once you and you start having sex, have a lot of sex. The more real sex you have, the better your brain gets rebalanced.
LINK – Fully Recovered
BY – WastedTalent
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