The Onion
RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his
budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday
he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many
subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems
pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you can get the 24/7 webcam, free
access to 5000 facial and Asian gang-bang videos, two private chat
sessions per month, and an all-access pass to the VIP section,” Hinney
said as he mulled over an even pricier premium package that reportedly
comes bundled with a “Teens-Only Whack-Pack” video collection and free
membership in a partner site called Anal Annihilation. “Meanwhile, the
yearly plan seems like the best value, but what if I make my way
through their archives in a few months and am then stuck paying until my
subscription runs out? I need to make sure I’m getting a sufficient
amount of original adult hardcore footage at a reasonable monthly price.
We just started Eric in daycare so budgeting is an issue.” Sources
confirmed Hinney later decided against purchasing any of the site’s
packages, having suddenly remembered the internet offers more free
pornography than any one person could possibly view in a single
lifetime.
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