“The Onion” spoofs NoFap:
I don’t like to admit it, but I used to watch a lot of porn. Until recently, I was visiting a pornographic website on a daily basis, and it quickly became a habit that was negatively affecting every aspect of my life.
Then one day, I decided to quit watching porn completely, and right away my life started to turn around.
After just one week without porn, I had more energy than I’d had in years—I wasn’t staying up late watching videos on PornHub, so I was going to bed at a decent hour, and waking up feeling rested and ready to take on the day. After two weeks, my girlfriend and I had rediscovered the spark in our relationship, I gained the ability to see in the dark, and I was exercising regularly for the first time since college. After three weeks without watching porn, I was in the best shape of my life, I was hovering three feet off the ground at all times, and I could heal the sick and wounded with my thoughts.
I owe it all to quitting porn.
In many ways, I have become like a god, yet ironically the only thing I cannot control is my own unbridled power.
Seriously, my life has completely changed. Ever since I stopped watching porn, I’ve been able to concentrate more at the office, and slow down or speed up the flow of time at my command. Over the past several months, I’ve become one of the most effective people in the office, and lightning now strikes me once every hour, even when there isn’t a single rain cloud in the sky. It’s no coincidence that these changes began once I stopped spending all of my alone time in front of the computer watching porn.
My love life has improved as well. I used to have trouble relating to my girlfriend on an emotional level, but once I stopped watching porn, I developed the ability to absorb the life force of another human being and merge it with my own—so now my girlfriend and I have fused into a singular entity! I have subsumed her physical and spiritual essence into my omnipotent porn-free form, and now her feelings are mine, as are her childhood memories. We’ve never been closer!
If you watch porn, I urge you to consider stopping. Your life will change in ways you can’t even imagine. If you want a deeper emotional connection with your significant other, or a third eye that sees angels screaming in agony, or to constantly dream of a massive pyramid on a distant planet with a mysterious voice saying, “This is your home now,” you really have to give it a shot. I did, and I experienced all these things and more.
I’ll never go back to watching porn. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to, because my body generates a powerful magnetic field that destroys the hard drive of any computer within a two-mile radius. In many ways, I have become like a god, yet ironically the only thing I cannot control is my own unbridled power. It’s awesome. Everything I touch turns into a white dove that flies into the sky before swiftly disintegrating in a ball of flames. This happens to every single thing I touch, and it’s all because I made the choice to stop watching porn.
I’ve never been happier.
;