I’ve decided to stop taking Cialis. I’ve only been using it for a few months but it’s quickly become such a crutch that it’s a little scary letting go of it. After paying more attention to my body I’m convinced my erections are perfectly normal for a 48-year-old, but with Cialis I am able to perform more like an on-demand sex-machine. That is *so* appealing to a lot of us middle-aged guys. We might have a paunch and be balding but who cares about that stuff when our penises can tell a completely different story. Plus, having an on-demand penis fits expectations if you think about sex as a mostly straight-line experience of foreplay leads to intercourse leads to orgasm.
When it comes to medicine I believe less is more given the potential for adverse interactions and side-effects. Plus, I think stopping Cialis might help my delayed ejaculation. In my case Cialis is not directly causing the dysfunction given I’ve struggled for 30 years with difficulty having an orgasm with a partner. However, just like with porn I think Cialis makes it hard for me to be in touch with just how horny I may or may not naturally be. I suspect that part of my problem is that I am engaging in orgasm-seeking sex when my body is not actually desiring that kind of sexual activity and release.
I’ve also realized I have subverted my ability to reach orgasm by sensual touch. When I first went through puberty I would experiment with seeing just how softly I could touch myself and reach orgasm. When I did this I wasn’t looking at porn or fantasizing. It was all about purely experiencing the pleasurable sensations arising from my own body, and these would build in a type of feedback loop until I exploded in orgasm. I suspect this isn’t uncommon given I had a friend mention he had done the same sort of thing. My home had a lot of porn available so I pretty quickly started relying on it to help me release. I think I then trained myself to only be able to cum through porn and fantasizing such that it now feels strange and scary to simply let go into intensely pleasurable sensations.
Now that I have stopped using porn my body is becoming a lot more sensitive. I intellectually know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about the natural twitching and facial expressions and sounds I find myself making and yet I keep holding myself back. I love it when my partner lets go, and I can tell she loves it when she has the same effect on me so it’s surprising that I would be bothered by this. I think getting past this is just a matter of not struggling as my brain retrains itself to this more natural way of experiencing sex.
If my guess is correct then my difficulties with ejaculation will be cured once I relearn to reach orgasm through simply experiencing the pleasure emanating from my own body. Fortunately this appears to be happening mostly spontaneously. Earlier this week I was very horny and felt drawn to masturbate. I’m not trying to abstain from orgasm so I gave into the desire but intentionally stayed away from deep fantasy. The experience ended up being more like my body was masturbating itself than me directly controlling the process.
My difficulties with ejaculation have gotten so bad in the last few years that even masturbation is often frustrating. In contrast this was an extremely pleasant experience and I was able to cum more easily than I have in years.
;