First, I would like to thank this forum and the Yourbrainonporn website for giving me all the information needed for me to make this trans-formative journey in which I thought there would be no light at the end of the tunnel….I endured and I am emerging from the ashes like a Phoenix just reborn….now all I have to do is continue to grow in the right direction.
Where to begin?! The Beginning makes sense
I first started masturbating at around 10 years old. I’d come home everyday straight from school and into the shower. I was the cleanest kid ever. My parents had to know what was going on. Thinking of it now, it was so obvious what I was doing. Tyra Banks was actually the first person that I imagined. It’s funny how some things you just never forget. It was a complete accident too because when I busted I didn’t exactly know what happened….but i do know that I remember thinking, “I’m doing this again tmrw.” I feel like this era of my life was pretty harmless. What kid didn’t beat off to their favorite model, actress, or female pop star? No biggie….but then I got then we got a computer in the backroom with alittle something we like to call Dial-Up.
I first started watching porn when I was about 12 or 13 years old. This was back in the days of dial up so at least my patience level was still relatively high. I remember first looking at pictures of models just posing for the camera topless and little by little as the years went by the images got more and more intense. I remember finally getting to the point where beating off to still images was too boring and I wanted to actually see the act of sex and all the sounds and sights that come with it (at least what the porn industry wants us to think its like). In comes Napster! 56k, cable, T1, and God willing T3 connection speeds are what i used to stare at for hours waiting for a Bang Bros video to download. It was my life. School, playing outside, and when the day was over, locking myself in the back room with the book case jammed against the door so no one would enter and watch porn videos for hours (obviously this included finishing myself off 2 or 3 times).
This went on for years and years. I had a couple of girl friends during this time which was mainly high school but at the time, I could bust a nut 3 or 4 times a day without breaking a sweat. I remember I jacked off 5 times in 30 mins one day. That was only using my Spank Bank but my point is, that I never experience any kind of Porn Induced ED at the time. Then came college.
I moved out for 4 years and my porn watching habits went through the roof. I don’t know how I could have thought that so much porn usage was completely harmless. On the contrary, I thought i was a sex expert and any girl would have been lucky to have me. I knew how to fuck. I knew how to please a women. I mean, that’s all I’ve seen for the past 10 or so years of my life. Women being railed while screaming at the top of their lungs. This is what I thought sex was. Boy was I wrong.
I remember the first time penis didn’t go up. I was completely bewildered. She wasn’t smoking hot. She was just one of those girls who understood me so it just made me extremely attracted to her. I came over in the middle of the night and she was insanely excited that I had just decided to show up. We started making out and undressing each other. She was wet beyond belief and I was……….seriously wondering what the fuck was up with me. I didn’t understand. I was so attracted to her. She was really cool about it. That wouldn’t be last time either.
After that I starting going out with this girl who was absolutely amazing. I mean, wifey material to the tenth! She would cook, clean, do my laundry, work out with me, let me live with her, buy me food, and was just all around down for anything. Great girl. For the entire year that we went out, I think we had sex one time that was truly enjoyable. It wasn’t necessarily her either. It was me!!! I couldn’t stay hard most of the time. Constantly getting flacid or having to make her do things that she wasn’t necessarily comfortable with just to get me excited. I blamed her for most of it. (Sidenote: I was still watching porn every night before I went to bed and would constantly jack off in the shower to scenes from my favorite porn sites.) I became increasingly frustrated with the situation and would secretly blame her in my mind. I slowly started to sleep at my folks house towards the end of my relationship and whilst sleeping at home I stumbled upon a site that would change my life forever. ( I’m not going to name it because I do not want to lead anyone towards the wrong path. If you already know it, good for you, please do not say what it is for those new on the path to recovery. The worst thing we could do to each other is give us another means of feeding the monster)
The website was a service for a escort girls and a variety of different services you could receive for a little money out of pocket. I went to my first hooker at 2 in the morning and for the next year I would be addicted to massage parlors and sex workers alike. This was probably the worst chapter in my life emotionally. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was smoking way too much bud. I couldn’t help but think about what hooker I was going to see next. I was living by myself in a closet of an apartment. I also went through at least 5 grand worth of student loans on working girls….and of course, the porn usage was through the roof once again. What the fuck was going on with me. I remember the day I hit rock bottom or at least I that’s what rock bottom had to feel like. I’ll never forget it. I was in my room, it was 3 am, I had just got back from seeing a hooker who lived 30 mins north of me who stole my money, and I had smoked so much weed that I couldn’t stop coughing even though my last hit was 30 mins ago. I called my therapist that night and quickly began therapy the next week.
I had discovered YBOP about a month or so prior to this so I was already making some effort to stop beating off to porn. Then I made an effort to stop masturbating before I went to bed. Then i made an effort to stop masturbating when I was bored. But, it was as if I still needed an outlet to release my so called sexual tension. As if I had so much momentum after years of seeing ASS ASS ASS ASS that I couldn’t help but continuously want to see more…..ASS ASS ASS. This was the time of the prostitutes. Even though I had hit rock bottom, i had made progress with the porn, masturbating, and weed….but the hookers…man the hookers had me in a tight grip. They were a black hole and i was a beam of light that tried tirelessly to escape but was overpowered by their pull that not even the laws of physics could help me. Shit was rough! During this time, I dated a couple of girls, one girl in particular who was smoking hot. I mean smoking. Thick hips, lips, and a freak in bed. I thought at the time that because i had quit watching porn my erection would have come back by then, but it didn’t. Well, maybe alittle bit but I am now convinced that going to all those hookers was doing the same thing that porn was doing. I had a selection of fine phat ass women that I could see whenever I wanted. The only difference between the hookers and porn was the computer screen (to be honest, I even spent hours in front of the computer looking for the perfect girl to go see….soooo no difference at really). We broke up because I was embarrassed…and because I was going to insane amounts of therapy which constantly had me “expressing my emotions” and questioning “how I felt at the moment” that I think i might have pushed her away as well with all the sentimental stuff. Not that it’s bad, but I think I might have gone overboard. Anyways, it took me a little over a year to finally stop seeing prostitutes but I finally managed to do so. Hello FLATLINE!!!!!!
This shit was scary! To be honest. I was already flatlining big time during the prostitutes and even before that with all that porn. I constantly had to increase the “freakness” of either the porn site or the hooker I was seeing at the time. Flatline is the worst. I think I went through a 2 year flatline to be honest. I was still getting myself off but this was after extreme stimulation followed by feeling like I didn’t have a penis between my legs for months at a time. I legitimately thought I would never recover. I would spend endless hours on this forum reading success stories trying to keep myself going through the “void.” I think I finally made it out though. I’m at a point that I never thought I would be again. All those nights praying to god to return me to my days of high school where I would get hard in the middle of class just by looking at the finest chick (or freakiest by rumor) and imagining me ravaging her.
Currently I am talking to a girl who I never would have seen myself with. She’s a plus sized girl. Super cool chick. Down to earth. But not the model type girls that I used to date. I used to date some hotties (objectively speaking that is of course). But this girl is just down to talk and hang with me that it turns me on. Literally and figuratively of course. But for the sake of this post, Literally being the more important of the two. I get hard just by talking to her on the phone. When we make out, my pants are soaked from the general getting way too excited. I got blue balls early today after making out with her. I had to come home and beat one off just to make the pain go away. That’s another thing. I don’t masturbate just to masturbate any more. I do it cause if I don’t, my balls will explode.
I guess after all that rambling I just wanted to say that the point of my story is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It took my two years to finally see it. I know I will continue to progress but I am extremely happy with where I am at the moment. If you’re looking for a concrete answer as to what to do….here it is.
Stop watching porn and stop masturbating in the shower and anywhere else. Don’t edge. It’s not cool to give yourself blue balls. Don’t ever ever ever start seeing prostitutes. Black hole and it’s a bitch to shake off. Trust me on this. Don’t go to them to see if you still got it or whatever. Steer clear!!! Also, remember that there are two motivations in life. Avoidance of pain and pursuit of pleasure. Avoidance of pain being the stronger of the two but it is also the reason we do not pursue our dreams. Remember, that in life we are always doing and moving towards something but it is important to decipher whether you are running from something or, more importantly, running TOWARDS something. Yes, the fear of your penis not so much as even twitching to a gorgeous girl in your arms should motivate you enough to stop watching porn. That’s some strong motivation right there, I’ll tell you. But, in the grander picture of life, you should be wanting to move towards a life that has depth and meaning. To have a relationship where the first and only thing we judge a women isn’t by her appearance. Shit, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, gorgeous women are usually not the most interesting women (but that’s just me).
I hope and pray that you begin to take measures or continue to take the measures that you have been to recover from this sneaky ass epidemic that so many of us men have had to endure due to our lack of knowledge and desire to fuck hot women (boys will by boys). I also pray that you do not take my route and if you are currently on it, to deviate immediately. My recovery has taken much longer that what it should have due to the “Hookers on the Point” era of my life.
Lastly, for those of you who like to see what other people’s stats are like, here are mine.
Porn Usage 15 years
Porn Abstinence 2 years ( 6 slip ups in that time, I was disgusted at the sight of penis when i went back. What the fuck was wrong with me!?)
Longest streak without Masturbating 67 days ( Freak nasty from work came over and it was a wrap!)
Other Streaks 47 days
39 days
33 days
and lots of 20 something days
Porn Status Non existent
Masturbation Status Only when absolutely necessary ( i usually go for 20 days straight, but lately with this new chick I’m lucky if I make it a week!)
Orgasm Status Same as above (sometimes I edged….stupid move)
ED Status Virutally gone! Flatline does pass!
Walking around with a random boner because of a simple phone conversation. Priceless!!!!!!
PS: I also went through a slight HOCD period which scared the shit out of me. Guys, if you think you might be gay, you’re probably not! If you like penis….you probably are. Simple as that.
I hope that my post hasn’t offended anyone or cause someone to slip up. That’s the last thing I would want. But I also wanted to tell my story exactly how it came to mind.
Godspeed
LINK – Porn and Prostitute Addiction, Relationship Problems, Limp Penis, and Flatline!
by CDB666
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