I spent my whole life watching porn, it destroyed my last relationship (ended six months ago) and worst of all, despite having a reputation for being somewhat of a ladies’ man, I have delayed ejaculation which has caused me and my partners frustration.
Years of death grip, climaxing through fantasy and specific positions only made my last girlfriend feel immensely insecure. Moreover, I think it made me a coward of a man, and that ultimately added to my depression and lack of confidence.
THE PROCESS
The aim of the 90 days (in my opinion) is to give your little a man break, rewire your brain, but most of all, learn from the process. In the beginning I suffered a lot of blue balls (testicular pain), then there were the horrid flatlines of no sexual interest whatsoever, followed by immense sexual charge and frustratation. Two things helped immensely, cold showers and daily meditation, along with exercise which I am trying to do more (not to lose weight, but for a sound mind and body).
TEMPTATIONS
It’s easy to fall into temptation, but if you do, it’s important to become aware of the process and stop yourself, and make some resolutions. The brain will try to trick you into finding alternatives. Toward the end of my 90 days, I started looking at pictures in my junk mail folder, and craigslist posts. When I realised what was happening, I made a resolution that if I did it again, I would reset my badge. It worked. When. I found myself aroused and reaching down there, or rubbing against the sheets, or even fantasising, I stopped myself. I said to myself ‘no edging’ (it helps to know the vocab).
TODAY
I’ve had trouble ejaculating with a partner, unless she’s on top and I close my eyes to fantasise. I can’t masturbate and get off unless I am lying on my back, and with my eyes closed. It’s obvious what’s happened here through the years. It’s obvious where I’ve been wired.
I knew that I would go for 90 days only in hard mode, and so today I decided to test something. I won’t describe it all in detail (lest this turns into a softcore story – and those are also not allowed) but let’s just say that I was on my knees, and had my eyes fully open, and did not use any visualisation or imagination at all. It was one of the most immense experiences that I have ever felt…
LESSONS
The object of these 90 days were not so that I could jerk off without porn or specific positions. None of us want that. We want the company of a beautiful girl to love and make love to. If one night stands are your thung, then that’s fine if it’s consensual. Just don’t objectify women.
It’s easy to fall into habits. I did not relapse today,I achieved something and it made me feel great. But I’m still wary. This is after all a journey. I don’t want to go into ‘happy jerk off mode’ because that then will be the beginning of another habit. I’ve therefore made a resolution to not masturbate again for another month, but if I have the opportunity to have sex, I won’t turn it down. During hard mode, the resolution was for nothing sexual whatsoever.
There are some permanent resolutions: no porn (never again if I can help it) no craiglist, no looking at sexual images, reading online erotic stories, etc. i want the real thing, a real life, with a real woman. My ultimate hope is that I will have overcome this delayed ejaculation. If not, I will have to try harder which means readjusting and also learning lessons.
To all you out there, I say this. The object of no fap is not to become celibate (though I respect whatever wish you make). Sex is perfectly natural and so is masturbation. What you have to look out for are the extremes i.e. Excessive masturbation, porn, sexual addiction, etc. Don’t fall into these traps. Be mindful of your thoughts and actions. Most of all, don’t expect miracles and don’t aim to be perfect. Your goal each day is to get better, not perfect.
Good luck!
LINK – 90 day (hard mode) report
EARLIER POST
I feel great! My memory is astonishing, I took a chance and applied for a lucrative job, and was offered the post the day after the interview, and I am currently chatting up a gorgeous girl whom I intend to get to know better 🙂 My house mates have said that I seem more confident, cheerful and calm these days, like enjoying an air of serenity.
Sometimes I feel down. Sometimes I feel the urge to search for ‘that clip’ and fap, but I think of what I have to lose and quite frankly, the painful consequences of fapping again are greater than the momentary pleasure that will come from relapse. It’s just not worth it. I want to live a real life, not a life through pixels.
There will be ups and downs. But that’s part of the process. I take one day at a time. Each day passed is another victory. The goal is not 90 days, or any particular target. The goal is to become better with each passing day, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, and to accept hardship and challenge as a path to peace, growth, and fulfillment.
Stay strong!
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