Age 16 – I was depressed, unmotivated, and shy

Sept-12

I’ve been reading blogs and forum posts on this site for a while and I decided to make an account. I’m a 16 year old boy/man and I’ve been addicted to porn and masturbation since I was 12. I’ve only recently realised how much this has affected my life. When I was young I was carefree but as I grew older I started to become extremely depressed, unmotivated and shy I feel like I’ve wasted enough of my life at this point and I’m determined to stop this addiction.

The majority of guys are addicted to porn and masturbation, I hear guys talking about porn all the time and I mentioned to my friend that I stopped masturbation & porn and his response was “How?! I can’t go a day without that stuff!”

I am currently on day 2 of no masturbation (I haven’t watched porn in a while) The longest I’ve gone without masturbating is exactly 2 weeks. I’ve noticed that whenever I masturbate the next 2-4 days are really terrible, the reason I made an account today is because I had one of the worst days of my life yesterday, I broke down due to stress and a broken heart and I’m determined to change my life now.

The first time I realised I that abstaining from masturbation has many benefits was about 2 months ago when I went almost 2 weeks and I felt extremely confident and I found it really easy to talk to girls and people I didn’t know. In fact the first time I intentionally went without masturbation I met a girl that I fell in love with. Whenever I masturbate I feel like all the bad things that have happened in my life come to the surface and I start feeling depressed and I don’t talk to people, but when I don’t masturbate I feel like I’m a completely different person, the person that people like and the person that I want to be.

I plan on going without P&M for at least a month and see where I want to go from there.

Today was a good day; even though I didn’t sleep that much last night because I got my heart broken and I spent half of the day crying yesterday (stupid I know ) it was still good. I’m trying to be positive and I can already see the benefits of abstaining.

I was a lot more talkative today than I usually am and I talked to people that I usually wouldn’t talk to, I also texted a friend who I haven’t talked to in a while which made the day even better. I didn’t get any urges to watch P or M at all because I’m not in the mood (which is a good thing).

9-13

I didn’t get much sleep again today, it seemed like I was just lying there awake for most of the night. I had a wet dream during the night, this is the quickest time I’ve had one after starting abstinence.

In school I was sitting on a table and my classmates were having a discussion about sex because the teacher was out, I didn’t say much because obviously I haven’t had sex yet (even though most of the people in my class have), this made me feel like I have missed out on stuff in my life even though I don’t actually want to have sex before I’m married (at least not with someone who isn’t worth my time)

I got a good result in my math test today which usually doesn’t happen so I’m really happy. School wasn’t as depressing as I usually find it today. I was very sociable again today I’m happy to say. No urges again today.

9-17

I’m currently on day 7 of my 25 day goal; I have been noticing a lot of things lately, one of them is I’m noticing people seem really miserable and uncomfortable in social situations (kind of like how I was before I started abstinence)

I’ve seen a ton of benefits so far; I’ve been talking a lot more, I’ve been doing a lot better in school (I got the best result in my class for writing a story), I’ve been able to fall asleep and stay asleep better than I did before and I’ve been getting a lot more opportunities to socialise with others.

I didn’t get any urges to masturbate from day 1-6 but today I got quite a strong urge which I’m happy to say I didn’t give into. I can’t believe I’ve seen so many benefits in just one week!

9-21

The last 3 days have been extremely difficult in terms of getting urges to masturbate, I almost relapsed today (thankfully I didn’t) I’m still seeing benefits emerging though and it seems as if they get better as the days go on but I’m having trouble remembering why I’m doing this, that’s probably why I almost gave in this morning.

I’m going out tonight and there will be a lot of opportunities to socialise so hopefully I see changes in myself later on.

I’ve managed to calm myself down now, I took a cold shower and I feel okay again.

9-24

2 weeks! Finally! This only the second time I’ve made it two weeks without P&M (The last time I made it to day 14 and relapsed) I feel great today, I had an excitement about life that I’ve never had before although it seems to have died down as the day progressed.. but I’m happy nonetheless.

I have been having trouble sleeping again for the last few days but it’s not as bad as it was before, I’m starting to feel more comfortable around people and looking people in the eye, it really is a great feeling, I just have to keep reminding myself how things were before and telling myself that I don’t want to go back there.

I’m not sure if I’m flatlining or not, the urges were really strong on day 10-13 but it got easier.

9-25 -Relapsed

I’m trying to calm myself down, I feel pretty angry at myself right now but I’m going to lay out a plan for my 3 week goal. 15 days is now a record for me and I can’t forget that I got that far, I have to be proud of that.

First here’s some things I’ve noticed and the reason I’m angry:

I’ve noticed that I find the first few days of abstinence easier because the feeling I had when I relapsed is still fresh in my mind but as the days go by I forget why I’m even bothering and that’s when it all goes bad. If I could find a way to remember the feeling I get after relapse in the later days then I think I could get further.

The reason I’m angry at myself is because I was using a girl as my motivation to abstain and I haven’t seen her in weeks but when I do see her it’s usually about 1-2 days after I relapse and something stupid always happens. I wanted to go for over 2 weeks without P or M because I wanted to see her and be confident around her but I didn’t get to see her and I felt like I had gotten so far for nothing and I relapsed.

I was invited to a social gathering that I knew the girl I like would be at, I got to the place and as soon as I saw her I started feeling nervous and shy (I talked to her 2 days before and I was fine) I went to talk to my friends and we didn’t say hi to each other or anything like that.

Later on she came up to me while I was talking with someone else and starting to join in on what we were talking about but I didn’t respond to what she said, I just continued on talking to the other person and she seemed a bit offended and we walked away from her (I think that made her think I was ignoring her). She’s kind of an awkward person at times (like myself) but whenever we talk (and if I haven’t relapsed a few days before) we always seem to have intense chemistry and it’s so intense that when we talk it’s like were the only two people in the world at that moment.

The event I was invited to ended and we all got some drinks and food and we all just talked. I kept telling myself to go over and talk to her during the course of the night but I could never bring myself to do it. I even tried sitting on my own for a while so she could come up and talk to me (so dumb I know) I noticed that she did the same thing a few minutes later though (she was sitting by herself with her phone behind me while I was talking to some other people)

When the night was coming to an end I started helping to clean up and I saw her as I was doing so, we just looked into each others eyes as if we were longing to talk to each other but we just walked past and I felt so useless. I saw her standing by herself a few times after that, I don’t know if she wanted me to talk to talk to her or not. By the time I finished helping to clean up I saw her leaving and it was too late to do anything. I really don’t want to lose her, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I need a source of motivation that isn’t a person, if someone could recommend something that would be great and I also need to stay positive and stop thinking about the girl I mentioned above.

My plan for the next 3 weeks is to keep busy and not be too conscious of how many days I’ve gone without P & M because when I count the days I tend to celebrate when I get far and then I let my guard down and then I start giving in to temptations. I’ll be using Habit Forge to record my progress and I will be visiting this site every day to read and encourage but I probably won’t post anything in my blog for at least a week.

I was looking at some anime pictures that were sexually suggestive (I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was actually telling myself “You know how this will end” but I didn’t listen) and I started looking at worse and worse stuff and I ended up on a video and then I started and masturbating. I installed K-9 on my laptop, I really think this will help me, the annoying thing is I had been at least 5 weeks without porn until today.

Yeah I’ll try and think of how things will be but I find it hard to go through days and having to wait for something good to happen, I’m very impatient 😀

I’ll definitely focus on improving my life more now, the past 15 days really were great even though I didn’t get to see her, I became so dependent on her for my happiness and I’ve now proven to myself that I can be happy without her which is great.

9-28

I’m going through the same insomnia thing (currently on day 3). On my attempt I went 15 days. I couldn’t sleep for the first few days but I started to get sleep at around day 5 or 6.

10-1

I’ve been feeling a bit down today, it feels like I’m starting to go back to way I used to think (putting myself down and saying I’m worthless) I don’t get why this is happening.

Last night I went out and I was completely different than I had been 2 days before; before I was happy and confident but last night I was nervous and awkward and it really pissed me off to be honest.

There’s this girl who I like and we’ve talked quite a lot before but last night when I saw her it was like I couldn’t say anything and I think I made her think I was avoiding her. I don’t know what to do anymore because any time I see her it’s either really great or really awkward and I’m getting sick of it.

I’m stil going to keep going with this and see how things go.

10-2

Today was a pretty boring day, I went to church in the morning and that was okay and I was talking to people with no problems at all. Nothing exciting happened today though and I’ve been having mood swings all day and I’m starting to sneeze a lot, I don’t know if that’s to do with the reboot.

This is definitely the most challenging reboot I’ve done so far, even though I’m not getting any urges to masturbate I feel like crap and I can’t stop thinking about something that happened on Friday night. I really feel like I have no one to talk to right now, my mom and my dad are avoiding me because they know how I am when I start having mood swings and I didn’t get to see any of the people I usually talk to today.

I’m going to try and be positive tomorrow, hopefully things change…

EDIT: Things literally just changed for the better a few minutes ago, I found out that I’ll be travelling soon which is something I really love doing and I’m talking to my parents again. I feel like I have energy again but I’m still thinking about stuff. That was fast!

10-3

Today was a very odd day, it wasn’t a bad day but it wasn’t particularly amazing either. First thing that happened was I woke up after having 2 (yes two) wet dreams during the night, I was dreaming about masturbating and I ejaculated twice, the dream felt so real and I was sad that I had relapsed but then I woke up.

In school it was a fairly normal day and people seemed keen to talk to me (something I always notice when I abstain) There was one really weird thing that happened today though, I found out that my friend who I’ve known for years now is bisexual, this doesn’t really bother me but at the time I felt really uneasy about it.

My heart starts to beat fast and almost feels like its hurting when I think about the girl I like, I feel anxious for no good reason.

10-5

Something I thought would never happen just happened today, I told my parents and my brother about my addiction to porn (after a lot of tears), I’m so happy I did it. I live in a Christian home so I was expecting much worse but what I got was support and “You’re not the only one this has affected”, of course my parents think watching porn isn’t good as do I. I’m happy that they are going to support me with this.

I’m probably the youngest member on this site (16) and I just want to thank everyone for everything ( your blogs, forum topics etc.) You have all helped me tremendously and I am so determined to stop this addiction. I have decided to give my parents my laptop and there is also an internet filter (K-9) on it so I don’t get tempted. I would recommend telling someone who can help you about your addiction because it helps not having to do it alone.

10-11

The key to a quick and successful recovery is a positive outlook on life and others around you because if you beat yourself and put yourself down about it you won’t get anywhere.

10-25

Since my last blog post I’ve made 3 rebooting attempts, I went 12 days, 9 days and my last streak was 7 days (which ended yesterday) I haven’t really been experiencing the negative effects that I usually get, I think it’s mainly because I am practicing a being positive.

Today was Day 1 and I was feeling as if I had gone a lot longer, I did however feel a little bit depressed during the day but that seemed to fade. I was talking to girls in my school so easily and it seemed as though they gravitated towards me, it was pretty cool but I feel sad at the moment because the girl I really do want doesn’t want me back (at least I think so) and it’s making me feel sick and hopeless.

I’m going to keep going and this time I’m a lot more determined and there are less distractions so hopefully I’ll reach my 3 week goal.

11-7

12-30

I haven’t been on this site for a while and I have a lot of things to say about what has happened during this year. At the beginning of the year I was shy, insecure, depressed and anti-social and looking back now I can see that I’m an entirely different person now. I’ve stopped using porn now, though I still get urges.

A little background on me, I was never a popular kid, I couldn’t talk to girls (I didn’t have any friends that were girls) and I only had about 2 close friends. I was always telling myself that my life was worthless and I had suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I always wondered why my life was the way it was, until I started noticing a pattern: Whenever I watched porn or masturbated I would always get what seemed to be ‘bad luck’, so what I did was I decided to try and stop masturbating for 2 weeks and see what happened, this turned out to be the best decision of my life.

During the 2 week period that I abstained, I met a girl who is now a really great friend of mine, this was the first time that I ever went up to a girl and talked to her and I was really shocked that I wasn’t nervous and I was so confident while talking to her, we talked to each other everyday after that until I had a wet dream and I started to be distant and I felt the way I felt before I abstained. This was a bad thing and a good thing, it was bad because it made her back away from me a bit but it was good because I had proof that porn and masturbation had a negative impact on my life. Needless to say me and this girl are very good friends now.

I also found that I was able to talk to people (guys and girls) a lot better when I abstained and I am proud to say that I now have a girlfriend (my first proper girlfriend) and she’s absolutely beautiful. Before when my life was miserable I always thought I would never find someone and that no one could love me but now my confidence has just sky rocketed I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am. 2011 has been a year of great change for me and I am very much looking forward 2012 and the years to come.

by Equil

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