I am 19 years old and I am addicted to porn, and I would like to share my story with anyone who could find it helpful. I am not sure for how long I have been addicted to porn, I started watching it when I was 12 or 13, and I think it wasn’t long before i got hooked so you can say i am addicted to it for 5 or 6 years.
I haven’t realized that i was in that much of a mess until half a year ago. I went on a trip for a week and i didn’t have access to porn, during that week I DIDN’T GET A SINGLE ERECTION !!! I was like whoa, I am only 19 something isn’t right here. It was long ago when I noticed mine erections are getting weaker and weaker, but since I was so absorbed into porn addiction I never really wanted to admit to myself that it was caused by the porn. Two months ago, somewhere around Christmas I finally admitted to myself that I definitely have porn issues and that I should try to get away from it. Since then I am unsuccessfully trying to stop watching it and i have been experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, most notably the dreaded HOCD.
Since I have many things I want to share with anyone going through the same or similar situation, I have to warn you that this will be long and hopefully, helpful story.
PERSONAL HISTORY
I never had much luck with girls due to low self-esteem and social anxiety, that is one of the main reasons i got into porn. It was too easy, with a few clicks i would see anything that I ever wanted to see without making any notable effort and having to approach girls. I always thought that it was a brilliant solution and that I would never need a girlfriend, I believed that all I ever needed is porn. It was only a few months before I realized how damn pathetic I am and then i decided to get off porn for good, I thought it will be easy, how foolish of me.
OCD IN THE PAST
I have always suffered from OCD, i had some serious health issues as a kid and because of it, i got PTSD. After some time the PTSD disappeared (It went away by itself, i have never been to psychiatrist because of PTSD or OCD), and then OCD flared up, it was mostly cancer related, but since then I had several other types of OCD (Relationship, HOCD, you name it). As you can conclude, I self diagnosed myself with it and you might doubt mine judgement, but believe me I am 100% sure it is OCD.
TASTE ESCALATION
As you can guess, with time mine porn tastes got more and more deviant, I will try to chronologically sort them as they progressed and try to explain why did they get me off.
- ANYTHING INCLUDING GIRLS (Pictures, videos, even music where the girl singing had hot voice)
- Vanilla porn (I remember the time when i felt guilty after fapping to uglygirl video)
- Lesbian (Think i didn’t want to watch men in porn, in the beggining it was only licking videos, but it evolved to extreme stuff)
- Double penetrations
- Anything anal
- Rough gangbangs
- Only the most extreme straight stuff imaginable (Extreme domination, double/triple anal… These stuff get me off even today even thought it was somewhere around two and a half years ago)
- SHEMALES (I only ever watched shemales being dominated and they were always feminine, just like girls with penises. This one is mine biggest fetish and the source of my HOCD, since i sated mine hunger for extreme straight porn, i moved on to not-so-straight stuff. The reason i found it hot was because i found it to be so degrading and humiliating to the shemale. It was basically male being that is stripped of last traces of manliness and dominated by another man, and the thing was that the shemale looked better than most of the real girls. So I think this was mine final form of sadistical fantasies.)
- After more than two years of shemale fetish it just bored me because i watched every single video of good looking shemale being f***ed, so i started slowly reverting to the straight porn, but guess what: it was barely a turn on for me!
SHEMALE PORN ADDICTION
For two years I fapped almost exclusively to this genre, at first I never really wanted to see the shemale doing anything with her gear, even touching it would be a turn off for me. But as mine addiction progressed I got more and more into c**ks, to the point when I couldn’t fap to shemales that had ugly genitals and at one point I even started to think like “I would so suck her off”. Although I never wanted to see the shemale dominating the man. I got so deep into it that i even imagined the girls i liked having penises, that is some f***ed up stuff man, honestly, at one point i preffered shemales over girls. Luckily, mine interest in shemales is diminishing the more time I spend away from shemale porn, and i find female genitals more and more attractive. (45 days no shemale PMO)
SUMMARY OF ESCALATION
I am just thankful that I never got into gay porn, I can just imagine how bad mine HOCD would be if I escalated to it, it would probably spell suicide for me. But the thing that worries me the most is that with time mine sadistic urges simply got depleted, and something in my brain clicked and I started getting off at thinking how would it be to be the shemale that is being dominated. As you can guess it completely horrified me and caused a lot of sexual orientation and gender indentity confusion.
CURRENT HOCD
Mine HOCD started few days after i decided to get off porn (thus i firmly believe it is withdrawal symptom), after a few days of no porn I decided to try to get off on fantasy which i hadn’t done in long long time. I tried every single fantasy where I was in dominant position and simply mine penis wasn’t responding. Then i tried fantasizing about something that i would find unimaginable some time back – me being bottomed, and guess what, I got and erection in a matter of seconds – I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED !!! It felt like just first time i watched porn, or when i first discovered shemale porn, it was like a mix of adrenaline rush and horniness. I will try to describe it, although you won’t be able to understand how it feels like because I think only OCD sufferers can truly understand it (I hope you are not one). It feels like you are battling your own mind, you are desperately seeking some kind of affirmation that your opsession (in this case being homosexual) isn’t true, but the affirmation is completely unobtainable. Even when you get some kind of affirmation of your straightness, your mind just discards it in a matter of minutes and shoots another burst of questions at you.
I was terrified of being homosexual and not being to fall in love with a girl ever again. At the worst point i had panic attacks that lasted for 10 days, I spent 6 hours per day googling for “Am I gay” tests! It was like i am trapped in a nightmare and i had no way out. At one point i even said to myself “Oh man i will even turn gay if it will make this nightmare go away”. If anyone with HOCD is reading this i will say the following: just let it go man, I know it sounds hard, but seeking reassurance about your straightness will only get you deeper into it. HOCD is SATAN ITSELF, it will play illusions on your mind, it will get you into game where you play against yourself and whatever you do will turn against you in the end. Only way to win this game is to not play it !!! If it started at the time you first tried to get off porn, you can be 100% sure (sounds impossible if you have OCD – nicknamed the doubting disorder) it is withdrawal symptom. The moment you relapse and masturbate to porn again it will go away, only to come back few hours ago.
FALSE ATTRACTIONS
I simply have to devote a separate paragraph to this phenomena, I was never into men before of all of this HOCD stuff started. But when it started i simply had an urge to check out men and women and compare them to each other in order to figure out who am I attracted to, and you can guess what – mine mind started to make me feel kinda attracted to men.
The process of creating false attraction goes like this:
- First you check out someone to figure out are you attracted to them
- Out of 20 men you check out you will conclude for atleast one that he is good looking
- Then you will go in panic mode because you will fail to differentiate between being attracted to someone and concluding that someone is good looking
- After that, as a cherry on top, comes you mind that makes you think that your anxiety spike is actually true attraction you feel towards that person
- Next thing is your mind throwing in intrusive thoughts like “would you suck his c**k” or “would you like to be his little wh**e”
- Then comes depression and suicidality, atleast for me THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW ABOUT HOCD IS THAT IS FEELS LIKE IT IS REAL, IF IT DIN’T FEEL LIKE THAT THEN IT WOULDN’T BE THE SATAN ITSELF. I am currently in no HOCD mode because i relapsed again few hours ago, if I tried to write this while I was under full influence of it, it would be impossible to do because of huge amount of doubt. While typing this i would probably be thinking thigs like am I really thinking like this or am I in denial etc.
MY REBOOTING ATTEMPTS
I am trying to reboot for two months now, but I never got further than 8 days of no PMO. I am having huge problems stoping with porn since my HOCD is making me check mine reactions to straight/shemale/gay porn all the time. But anyways, 8 days of nofap is something I haven’t done i 7 years, so it is a huge success to me. As for weird fantasies, they arouse me less and less, now they are even slightly disgusting. Shemales arouse me waaaay less than they did before I first tried no PMO and I can finally get erections to normal straight porn in a matter of 20-30 seconds without any hand stimulation, that was UNIMAGINABLE three months ago. Also mine HOCD is getting weaker and weaker, then when it peaks I just have to relapse and then it goes away again for some time before it gets back again and forces me to test my sexual orientation by watching some more porn, which inevitably ends up in another relapse.
RELAPSES
During relapses I just feel like I have been possessed, mine willpower just implodes and I feel like i am being in cage forced to see another relapse. Best description is that mine mind just goes in zombie mode, but instead of saying “BRAAAAINS” it says “JUUUST ONE MOOORE TIMEEE”. I laugh when an ignorant person writes something like “porn addiction is not real get a girlfriend wankers”, i now truly understand how narcotic abusers feel like. I have some friends with drug issues and i can now fully relate to their failed attempts to get off drugs, every time I relapse I fully indentify mine zombie mode with theirs (“JUUUST ONE MOOORE TIMEEE”).
I also noticed that after relapse I feel exhausted both mentally and physically, mine mind feels like it is out of focus and i get a slight headache and mine body just gets weak and I have strange sensation in mine chest that I can best describe as something between emptiness and lack of breath.
This is all I can remember at this time, if anyone identifies with mine situation, you are welcome to ask any questions you have. Good luck and I hope we will get out of this.
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