I am glad this community is around. I was here a lot in my first 40-something days, and it helped me get through the tough times. But after I came out of my second flatline, I haven’t even thought about this place.
I knew I was close to that 3 month anniversary, so I decided to check and today is 89 days (i.e. Day 90) and I know I’m not relapsing anytime soon.
I took a lot of notes on my experience especially early on, so I offer this to you guys who might be struggling.
My Story:
- PMO since ~11 years old, now 20
- In past few years PMO frequency has been around 3-4 times a week on average, never considered myself addicted. Never watched porn just to pass time
- Had girlfriend of 2.5 years, busted all kinds of nuts
- Broke up with her in October 2012
- Turned to PMO more than usual
- Had a few encounters with real girls across 8 or 9 months, I’d say I had success about 50-75% of the time but sometimes had failures which wasn’t really normal for me
- Started dating a really great girl in May 2013, and had some success and failure in the early stuff with her but by the time she wanted to have sex I could never get it up, not even a twitch
- Decided something had to change, I’m young, healthy, in good physical shape, there’s no reason I should be having this issue
Why I decided to do NoFap:
- ED with real women
- Masturbating to porn out of boredom rather than sexual desire
- Experimentation with my body just for curiosity
Day by Day:
6/19 – Relapse and Start (because I don’t fap daily, this was technically my start day, though my conscious effortful start day was 6/21).
6/21 Two – With a beautiful, willing, naked girl on top of me and I just don’t feel ANYTHING. Really frustrated, I drove home the next morning anxious as hell. I told her the next day about how I turned to PMO more than usual after my last breakup and that I found YBOP and NoFap and I think it could help me. She was super understanding – this journey would’ve been so much harder without her.
6/25 Six – Noticeably more irritable than usual. I consider this the start of a very short flatline as I basically didn’t check out a single female for a week or so around this time.
6/29 Ten – Hyper! Feeling pretty good. Waking up with morning wood, haven’t done that regularly in years.
7/4 Fifteen – Had sex! I was so stoked. Actually lasted about 10 minutes, much less than I used to but it wasn’t like 5 seconds or anything either. Girl had her first orgasm during sex & said it was the best she’s had; I said if that’s her best, she better get ready once I’m back to full form.
7/6 Seventeen – More sex, erections at around 75% and sex lasting around 10-15 mintues, but it’s way better than limpdick two weeks before.
7/8 Nineteen – Emotionally expressive, which I’m normally not. At this point my ladyfriend is away for her sport’s Junior Olympics (I know, right!?) so I’ve got maybe two weeks to survive.
7/22 Thirtyfour – Flatlining BAD. I can’t remember exactly where it started, somewhere around this day though. For me, the flatline was less shitty in the basically asexual aspect as compared to the emotional toll. Severe anxiety to the point of attacks, which I’ve not really had before. Mood swings like I’ve never had before. Ladyfriend is really understanding but I feel bad for being a burden. Morning wood has disappeared on me.
7/31 Fortytwo – Still flatlining, anxiety occasionally, even for totally unexplainable reasons. While watching sports on TV, talking to people, etc. I just feel my heart palpitate and I feel uneasy.
8/4 Fortysix – WET DREAM. Haven’t had one in flat out YEARS. Rather crumby part – I was in my ladyfriend’s bed staying over this weekend, so I had to sort of ease out of bed and change, and it was a bit frustrating since we weren’t able to do much sexually the night before. I thought this could be the start of coming out of the flatline after two of the least mentally pleasant weeks of my life.
8/5 Fortyseven – Feeling pretty good, I seem much less disturbed on average, and a bit more able to think clearly.
8/7 Fortynine – Several consecutive good days, increasingly minimal anxiety.
8/10 Fiftytwo – With ladyfriend, great day – I made it official with her, and she’s now my girlfriend – but didn’t get hard that night because I knew I’d be expected to perform. Put a lot of pressure on myself. The physical ED turns into performance anxiety and I knew this was mental. I got really frustrated, but decided maybe I needed to get to training my body to respond now that my mind is closer to balanced. I requested from her that she touch me more (in general – my body as well as.. y’know) when we’re in bed, and she enthusiastically agreed she would.
There’s a gap in my notes here because as soon as she started touching me more, things really started looking up (pun intended). In the following month, my erections became increasingly regular and I always responded to her touch. I’d say at first, I’d get hard but have trouble staying hard. I’d occasionally start off strong, but then inexplicably lose the erection after 10 or 15 minutes. I decided I should be in control more often so that I could monitor my erection more carefully basically, and she understood (hell, as she saw it, it was less work for her anyway haha). I’d usually go strong for 10-15, then it’d fizzle, so I’d be able to slow down and really focus on the sensation and it’d come back rock solid. We were able to have some great sex and on several occasions (since we were doing it probably ~7-10x/week at this point) I lasted 30-45 minutes, which was my usual time.
9/8 – San Francisco, she’d planned a wonderful weekend for us in the City and about 2 weeks before I’d been excited but a little anxious about what I knew would be expected performance in bed that night. Why wouldn’t you? Staying at a hotel on a vacation alone as 20 year olds… Delighted to report though that it was probably the best performance yet despite the expectation of performance. I was able to be completely in the moment and we were both just super turned on. I didn’t even really lose erection, it started around 100% and fizzled after maybe 25 minutes to about 80% and sorta bounced around 80-100% for the remaining 10 minutes or so.
I took no notes on the last 10 days because the successes were pretty much no problem and unfortunately she was on her period the last few days. Last night, she left for a study abroad for the next 75 days, so it’s going to be a test in many ways.
I intend, honestly, to MO in those 75 days. I’ll never go back to porn, and I’ll never masturbate out of boredom. I imagine in those 75 days I’ll get some serious urges I can hardly fight off every 2 weeks or so, and in those cases I intend to relieve through MO with my imagination for visuals rather than porn, which is to my mind the natural way we are meant to masturbate in the first place. Let’s not forget that it is a natural thing to do – it’s the way we’ve learned to do it that is not.
This is a SUPER LONG POST and maybe my last thread here. Thank you guys for everything. I’ll attach a tl;dr/bottom-line advice notes at the bottom of this for those who want my take-away message or who don’t wanna read all this shit. Thanks for everything. Good luck to all of you, ladies and gentlemen alike.
TL;DR / BOTTOM-LINE ADVICE:
- Put an OpenDNS filter on your computer and set your safesearches to Strict.
- Don’t browse sections of sites (i.e. NSFW parts of reddit) that might not get blocked by a filter or safesearch.
- Be open about it to friends, girlfriends, wives etc. if it comes up. You don’t need to say you’re a broke-dick loser, I told most people it was an experiment in how my body and mind respond, which it partly was anyway.
- EXERCISE. You have to exercise. Especially if you get anxiety in flatlines like I did. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY to exercise in my most difficult two weeks of flatline. There was a HUGE difference in my mind and mood on days I didn’t exercise compared to days I did. Plus it’s good for you and you can make allll kiiindss of gaaaiiinnsss.
- This process is much easier with someone to do it for.
- This process is much easier with someone who will help resensitize you to someone else’s touch and an actual female body and genitalia (let’s be real, most vaginas ain’t gonna be no right-hand deathgrip mushroomtip cock stroke technique all us bastards developed).
BEST. OF. LUCK!
LINK – 90 Day Update – 20 year old dealt with ED, Anxiety, Flatline, and Getting SO MUCH BETTER
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