I was dealing with depression and severe anxiety… I’d just moved to a different state and had no friends. I was masturbating an average of three times a day (my porn habit started around age 12-13. I’m 20, almost 21 now). I played runescape twelve hours a day. For the past few years I had thoughts of suicide a few times a week.
Everything was boring. I had less than no desire to interact with anyone. When my classes started I dreaded going every day. I went, got there just as class started, left as soon as class ended without ever saying a word to anyone, came right back home and sat down to fap and spent the rest of my day online.
I usually am only active on Reddit during the NFL season. I’m a big NFL fan and I love the subreddit. Anyways, During the NFL preseason I checked in and I saw the subreddit “nofap” had a couple posts on the top few pages of Reddit. I checked into the subreddit and saw people had day counters of over a year. I thought “I could do that, but there’s no point…” I didn’t read into why people were doing it. October came around and I started to become unhappy with how I was living my life. I checked back into nofap for no reason at all and began reading into why these people were doing this. I realized a lot of the things wrong with my life were symptoms of people who were addicted to porn. It explained my lack of interest in real sex and why I had performance issues. It explained almost all of my mental issues. It gave me the sensation of hope… I’d completely forgotten what that felt like.
In the beginning of October, I attempted nofap for the first time. I made it 27 days before I relapsed (under the excuse that I wanted to make sure I wasn’t “dead” down there). Within 14 days I had unbelievable improvement. My family commented that I seemed so happy and social lately. I cut my time spent online in half. I started to desire more social interaction. I could appreciate the beauty of nature. I began to desire something more from life, which led to me figuring out what I want to do with myself. Oh, and little physical and sexual improvements like experiencing morning wood for the first time in years felt awesome too. Being rock hard when I woke up and maintaining that until I was in the shower – a definite proof that something was changing. It felt awesome.
Then, the flatline. I had grown accustomed to the pride of having that morning wood every day. When it stopped happening I began to twist it into an excuse to check and see if my penis still worked. It took me a few days to actually do it, but it had been building for a week and I gave in. First I MO’d to my own thoughts. Then a few days later I had the urge to do it again, this time with porn. I binged.
That first relapse after a long period brought me way back down. But, I needed it. It reminded me how far I had come. The mental fog that I didn’t even realize was gone had returned. I don’t know how I was able to operate for so long that way. All of my emotions were repressed again. I immediately became irritable and reclusive for the next few days.
I struggled on and off until Thanksgiving. I sort of had a last hurrah with porn before I went away for the holiday. Haven’t PMO’d since. I have a beautiful girlfriend now and recently experienced sex for what felt like the first time. I wasn’t able to get it up fully the first time, and it seemed even worse than before nofap. I’d told her in advance that I didn’t know what to expect and why, and she was very understanding and supportive. The second time was much, much better. The third, even better. I’ve been improving every time and enjoying it more and more. Now, when I have urges, it’s for her, and not for PMO. I haven’t desired to look at porn in three weeks or so now. I usually spend less than an hour a day online now. I feel better physically and mentally now than I have since I was a little boy. I feel like a human now. I hope I continue to improve, because I don’t think I’ve fully recovered mentally, but I feel dramatically better than I did a few months ago.
It’s a tough, slow process. I hope that if you’re new and you took the time to read this, you learn from some of my mistakes and are encouraged by my triumphs. Stay strong, everyone, and best of luck to you all.
LINK – Four months ago I was at the lowest point of my life.
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