I’ve decided to do a post aimed at those who’s recovering from watching/abusing transsexual/shemale/ladyboy porn. I don’t have all the answers, but I consider myself able to a degree to give advice and talk about my own experiences and progress towards rewiring my brain.
I want you to know that this isn’t a “guide” or a key to all your answers. All that is written within is MY experiences and theories, as well as the personal answers I’ve found for myself. However, if you find any of this encouraging and/or helpful – well, then I’ve done the right thing.
I’ll begin by giving my own story. Yours may not match mine, but I still think that it’s important in order to give my post context. I’ll try my best to refrain from going into too explicit detail.
For context reasons, I am a 21 year old straight male.
I began to masturbate when I was in fifth grade to straight and lesbian porn. Having been interested in the concept of transformation I fantasized about women “transforming” – as in, getting improved “assets”. Larger mammaries and the like, if you will.
That progressed to fantasizing about people changing genders – definitely a form of escalation, in hindsight. Somewhere along the line I began to dabble in porn featuring transsexual women. I won’t go into too much detail, but I didn’t really find it interesting to imagine myself being the one who does the penetrating – I imagined myself being the “girl.”
I doubted my sexuality very heavily towards the end of 2010, and as luck would have it , due to consuming various illegal substances I fell into a drug psychosis. This strange phase of my life lasted from January to late November 2011. I believed myself to be gay, and I lost any form of sexual drive towards women. In the summer, being in a delusioned state and desperately trying to find my solution, came up with the idea that I was having transsexual feelings.
I basically decided to “fulfill” my fantasy of being a “woman.” I lived, in public I might add, as a transperson for three months. After that, I was assigned to a psychiatric hospital. Due to counseling and me spending time in male company I realized that I was not attracted to men and I realized that porn had begun a process that screwed up my life pretty badly.
I masturbated VERY heavily during this period of my life, and thankfully I found NoFap upon regaining my sanity, helping set me on a new path.
Upon finding NoFap, I said something to myself: “Never again.” This referred to all and any pornography concerning trangenderism. I am happy to say that I’ve kept that vow since then. (Note; yes, I have relapsed since 2011, however it has been to straight pornography.)
With my background out of the way, I have decided to do the following section in a Q&A format. I hope that you will find some form of advice in the text that follows.
You should note however, this is from my perspective and my experiences. Most who is recovering from transgender pornography have not gone to as extreme “lengths” as I have, but we’re all in the long run going for the same goal here. Please, read on.
- Q: Will my “attraction” towards transsexuals fade?
The short answer: yes. The long answer: it does, most certainly. You have to understand that arousal at transgender pornography is a form of fetischism – an acquired taste that is originally not part of nature. The means to which the people featured in porn have gained their physiques is through pharmaceuticals and surgery – something that was not originally part of human evolution. The phenomenon of transgender feelings are known to exist in various forms through history, but the act of actually physically changing somebody’s gender is based on technology that hasn’t existed in even a century. It is then impossible to assume that mankind as a whole has adopted to these inventions and that arousal from transsexuals is a sexuality you are born with.
The psychology behind the arousal is most certainly a complex one, something which I only have theories about at this point. The point is, the concept of transsexuals in pornography as they exist today is a recent phenomenon, and it makes sense that the curious mind would check it out and eventually escalate to masturbating to it.
But as it is with all forms of escalation, it is very much possible to recover by not watching and masturbating to it.
- Q: But will my arousal to shemale porn ever fade away forever?
A: At this stage in time I am not sure at all. I do for a fact know that it fades HEAVILY, but you can never be too sure. You wired your brain to masturbate to TS porn, and you can unwire yourself of it – it’s not impossible to say that you can rewire yourself back to it. The answer to the question will come in time. Which leads me to the next question…
- Q: I have gone a while now without watching any shemale porn – should I check it out to test myself if I’m still turned on by it?
A: No, no you should not. The reasoning behind this is understandable, but “testing” yourself isn’t actually helping you. Not at all. The reasons behind these are twofold:
1: You are playing with fire. It may burn you, badly. You might be aroused, and lose yourself to the urge. There is a big risk that you will lose all the progress that you’ve accumulated – it is simply a risk that you shouldn’t take.
2: You risk a major disappointment. Thinking that you are finally free from the curse of TS porn is a great feeling – seeing that feeling crushed is even worse. A blow to your morale is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to somebody who takes up NoFap – yet again, this is not worth the risk. It’s like having an itchy wound: each time you scratch it it’ll get worse. Let it heal.
- Q: What if I am attracted to transsexuals in real life as well?
A: No matter how uncomfortable the topic may seem, there are people who’s willing to have real life sexual and romantic relationships with transsexuals. It is rare in the grand scheme of things, but those people exist. I want you to understand something though: I’ve talked to a lot of people who’s watched TS pornography and on the question if they would “do it” with a transperson in real life about 90% said no.
I just want you to repeat to you the basic meaning of porn escalation and fantasizing; most of the time what you watch and what you fantasize about isn’t real feelings or attraction. Even if you do try the real thing there’s a big possibility that you won’t like it.
In the long run, this is a very personal issue. Only you can find out the answer – there is always the possibility of trying it out, but in the long run it might do more harm than to help. It might possibly even make you more confused.
My advice? Be honest with yourself. But also give yourself time. Don’t, and I repeat DON’T try to force yourself to bring out an answer over a day or two. This is a personal matter that will reveal itself given time. This might sound obvious, but in the long run this is all there is to it. Just like the recovery process itself it is achieved by simply letting nature have it’s course.
In this last segment I have decided to add details about my own experiences and progress. I will warn you though; there are two points of note that are TRIGGER WARNINGS. I will cover this warnings with hidden text.
First of all, I am much more attracted to women around me in general. I have had quite a few spontaneous erections and I have never been more confident in myself and my sexuality my whole life. I have not had that many sexual encounters since taking up NoFap – half due to a dry spell, half due to deciding to avoid it until I sort out other unrelated issues in life. I have been able to come though for the first time ever. This is no doubt due to NoFap, and I am very happy with my progress.
Flashbacks of old pornography does occur quite frequently. They have little effect in me. While it makes me feel uncomfortable I feel neither lust nor need for me to seek out pornography or get in touch with a transperson in real life. I don’t doubt that it’s possible that I could get an erection if I ever looked at TS porn again, but I plan to leave that as a possibility rather than to find out in all honesty.
I’ve had two close-up encounters with transsexuals. Both were while drunk and purely accidental. I dare even say that I was “trapped.” Details follow in the hidden text.
I met a “girl” in a club. Fairly unattractive, but I was drunk and we somehow maked out. Her lips felt very strange; very dull. The kiss was very… lacking. I did get some blood pumping in my member, but I didn’t even get a semi-boner, which I though was odd at the time. I found out later what she was, felt disgusted – but at the same time felt a bit of hope that I didn’t find the experience that enticing. It was nothing like the kisses I’ve had with a biological woman. It just felt wrong.
The second encounter was at a club. A “girl” came on to me. We talked. I got a reaction down there, as one would while being touched by somebody who looks like a female – later found out what she was. Lost any attraction that I had for her in that instant.
I consider these events proof of progress, almost like “signs” that I am doing the right thing. I decided to share them as a symbol of hope; even if you imagine the worst, it really doesn’t have to be it. Life surprises you, and sometimes in positive ways even though it may feel really fucking uncomfortable in the process.
I will close this post by saying the following: a recovery towards your real sexuality is possible. It is. The benefits and effects of NoFap is real and you will feel it given time.
But you have to be realistic. This might take a while. Your urges and arousal won’t fade in days – I’m standing here over two years later and I still feel a bit weird thinking about what I’ve been through and seen.
But it it gets better. Oh boy, it does.
I also want you to learn to accept yourself no matter what your true feelings are – feel no shame in the past. You’re here for a reason, and that is because you’ve learned from the it.
There’s no shame in yesterday.
There’s only the hope of tomorrow.
(OP’s note: I have not actually typed “shemale” and the like for over two years. It feels oddly familiar, but it’s as if it was something I did in another life. I think it feels like proof to how far I’ve come, and how far you will come as well.)
by Anitropius
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