The only reason I’m posting is that I hope it’s inspiring, others can relate, and because it’s stories like this that got me here. I’m not a great writer, so I apologize if this is all over the place.
When I started NoFap back in August (can’t believe it’s been that long already), I had pretty much given up all hope of a relationship, connecting with other people, and always felt that I was disconnected from the rest of the world. I assumed I would be a virgin for life (I’m 22 years old now), and had pretty much accepted this fact. I had been fapping for almost my entire life (I started in elementary school – I was molested once. Over it now, but masturbating was something that stuck with me), and really didn’t realize what I was doing with my life. I found this subreddit right before I started an internship, and after some extensive research, realized that so many of the “symptoms” applied to me. I up and decided to quit the next day.
First 2 weeks:
by far one of the the hardest things I have ever done. The amount of self control you have to have over yourself is insane! I had never gone a week without PMOing, and over these two weeks all I could think about was how much I wanted to, and how great it would feel. These were also my first two weeks in the new city with my internship, and I think that helped – moving somewhere new allowed me to change habits.
First Month:
The habit changing was a huge part of this experience for me though. I forced myself to do things that I’ve never done and never thought I would do- hanging out with random people from my school, joining a rock climbing gym (i have a fear of heights!), meeting new people at random social events, and even seeing a therapist (I cannot recommend this enough. seriously. I’m kind of neurotic and worry about how I come off to other people, and more than anything, he helped me come to understand myself and appreciate the things I am great at). I started going to the gym every. single. day. I looked up a workout routine for beginners and started this routine called 5×5, where I picked certain excersizes and had to do 5 reps of increasingly heavy weights. I can tell you more about it if you’d like, but this combined with rock climbing regularly helped change my body from undefined and awkward blob into a slightly toned mush (I’m not embarrassed about my body anymore, which is key). In terms of urges over this time, since I was working out so much I would get home and actually be tired, and not use PMO to fall asleep. I also recommend the rock climbing because it’s something you do as a group- during this time I made a lot of new friends and definitely improved my social skills, not to mention all the physical benefits as well.
2 – 3 months- flatline/crazy emotions:
So around this time, i still continued to go to the gym very regularly. However I stopped having sexual urges completely. I did notice I was checking out girls a lot though- something I have never done in my life as I was too shy to even make eye contact. Now I didn’t really care. I think during this time, it wasn’t that I was depressed, but that I finally realized all of what I was missing. It’s incredibly difficult to put this concept into words, but I was definitely living in a fog for my entire life, and these two months I was sort of emerging from it, and was so, so sad at how much time I wasted not being social and not meeting people. It wasn’t that I was depressed about not having sex, it’s more that I realized how much I pushed people away my whole life instead of inviting them in. This realization phase was the worst, and made me feel terrible about myself. I would even tear up for no reason during the day, and at random times when out drinking too.
Months 4-5 (to the present):
After a while I stopped being sad with myself and sort of moved on. I made a conscious decision to try and flirt with girls- on the bus, in line, wherever. failed each time. But I now had a group of friends I climbed with, cool roommates to hang out with, and fun parties and social events through my work. There are actually quite a few students from my school interning out here, and I met this one girl at a picnic we set up. We started talking and stuff, and after a few weeks we went on an actual date. The past month has been a whirlwind for me- we’ve gone on dates, she’s actually really into the geeky things I’m into, and we talk like old friends.
trigger warning?
Also, I’ve now had sex 🙂 I feel really bad that I’m so late to this game, and know that at 22, I’m well past the curve of what’s normal here in the US. But she’s totally cool with that, and in fact I think she likes teaching me things and showing me how to do moves and positions. I absolutely suck at it! Before we had sex, we actually went on a camping trip, and we were alone together in the back of an SUV for the night- she started to dry hump me and I, since I haven’t orgasmed in months literally jizzed my pants (just like the song…). I don’t think she knew, but I definitely prepared myself for the fact that I would not be lasting long in bed – I guess I have P.E. a little bit, as the feelings are absolutely crazy. We’ve had enough sex that I can last a little longer now, and kind of just keep going post-orgasm. If you have any good tips for beginning sex/moves I would really like them!
/end trigger
So that’s my story. I seem to have found a relationship with an absolutely gorgeous girl, made lots of friends, starting cooking and eating healthy, and found hobbies. I don’t think any of this is attributable to “super powers”, and is far more because of my need to fill time with things to do that are not PMO. I also learned to be selfish- I always thought I was being nice by giving in to whatever other people needed. I stopped worrying about others, and focused completely on improving myself. When you find a hobby (like rock climbing, for example), not only does it give you something to do, but it makes you an interesting person with something to talk about. I dread those silent moments alone with people- now I can just bring up rock climbing or cooking, and instantly people are interested.
I don’t think I’m healed or anything in any meaningful way- I more have accepted who i am, and what I need to do to be the person I want to be. My goal for the upcoming semester is to become an athlete – I have always been the pudgy one, and am now halfway between normal and super in shape (ran 7 miles yesterday! I couldn’t even finish the mile in high school…). My goal is no longer don’t masturbate for 90 days, it’s instead to be super toned, and to do activities that lead to that. I hope that I am past the PMO thing, but we’ll see what lays ahead.
I hope this inspires someone, and if you have any questions about my journey/what worked for me/what a therapist is like (my experience)/how to rock climb/other things, please ask. I feel like I was able to turn my life around, not without some serious emotional stress, and am on the road to being the person I’ve always wanted to be.
Go team! You can do it!
LINK – Long time lurker… 138 days in. A success story of sorts?
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