Age 23 – 90 days: Confidence level is literally over 9000.

I had a very unnatural upbringing and I trust you, my fellow Fapstronauts, enough to share my deepest, darkest, well-kept secrets. Keep in mind I have never spoke of these things to anyone, as I have been too ashamed to talk about them.

Where it all started: I am currently 23 years old; this story starts when I was roughly 3 years old. At that age I lived with my grandmother/grandfather and father, and my cousins would come and visit us every now and again. There is a female cousin of mine who is 5 years older than me, so she was 8 at the time of this incident. I remember one night she asked the adults if she could sleep downstairs with me, alone. Since we were young and innocent they thought nothing of it and said yes. I distinctly remember she turned on the tv late at night and flipped it to a pr0n channel, I believe it was the spice channel. I remember seeing a naked man and woman, and the woman was pouring honey all over the man and licking it off. I remember feeling strangely intrigued by what was happening, and slightly confused as I had no idea what pr0n was. This went on a few more times, with my cousin most likely touching herself. I don’t recall what she was doing because I was focusing my attention on the tv. That same cousin took me upstairs once, alone, and she pulled off her shirt. She told me to touch her breast, and I said “ewww I don’t wanna!” She then got mad at me and said something to the extent of “if you’re going to say eww then don’t even touch it,” giving me a really bad guilt trip, making me feel like I was a bad kid. I believe I ended up touching it, I don’t recall as my memory of that incident fades after that initial touch.

Keeping it in the family: Fast forward a few months. Her sister, who is a year younger than me, decided to play doctor in the garage with me. She told me to urinate in a small cup and I obliged. Being the young chap I was, I didn’t have full control of my urination, so as you’d guess, I urinated all over her (hehe). She got mad, started crying, and told on me. I got in trouble and sent upstairs for time out. Fast forward a few years, that younger cousin and I would still experiment with each other. A bit of dry humping, shoving random crap up our a’s, and I got one or two bad bj’s from her, because she had braces. I remember there was a time when we were in the jacuzzi and she wanted me to eat her out by telling me to put my face on her crotch, without her bottom piece on. I had no clue what to do or what that was as I wasn’t exposed to internet pr0n yet, so she got frustrated with me and that’s when it all stopped.

ForeverAFirstPlayer: Concurrently with the younger female cousin of mine, I performed a few sexual acts with male relatives. No one had told us it was wrong, and we weren’t doing it out in the open anyways so how were we to know? I remember it started because of an older male cousin of mine. It was me, 2 older male cousins, 1 younger male cousin, and my younger brother. We were playing 007: Golden Eye for the N64 and we always fought over who was first player. My older cousin had a bright idea of, “Hey 0neir0naut! If you kiss the head of your brothers’ penis you will be first player, forever! I promise.” I was hesitant at first, because I thought it was weird, but I gave in because come on, who wouldn’t want to be first player forever??! That single act of kissing my brothers’ penis led to my brother, my younger male cousin and I to kiss each others’ penises a few times when we were alone, eventually leading to a bit of awkward head. I only remember doing this once. I just now recalled, when we were older my cousins and I would have “fap contests”. We would all lay down with blankets over us and race to see who could bust first. We all thought it was fun and games, not knowing of the dangers that come with fapping so much.

Outdoor fap sesh: There was time when I was out exploring my cousins’ neighborhood. We came across an open field where people would paint ball. No one was there except for my male cousin and I. As we were exploring the field I saw a faded black and yellow piece of crumpled, torn, old, dirty pr0n on the floor and immediately felt like rubbing one off. Well.. while my cousin was off exploring a different spot I rubbed one off behind a cart where he couldn’t see me. When I finished I covered the spill zone with dirt and threw the paper away. I was ashamed of myself, yet I didn’t have enough control to tell myself No.

Beastiality? One of the most shameful things that came out of the boredom of fapping is the use of dogs for my pleasure.. There were a few instances where I would pull my penis out and let a family dog lick away. Honestly it felt better than fapping, because my brain was tired of the same old hand giving me the same old pleasure. This happened with a few different family dogs, and every time I stopped I asked myself, “wtf am I doing? What is wrong with me?? Why do I do this?!?” Now, when that went on I never came. I just liked to feel the rush of dopamine whenever they started licking. After a few minutes of them licking the dopamine would shut off and I would feel really weird and ashamed of myself and put my penis away. I upped the ante on more than one occasion by having the dog lick my a-hole. While the licking went on I would fap away, and boy did it feel amazing. Again, whenever I finished I would feel ashamed of myself, and I felt sorry for the dog for making it go through with it. This would happen when I was alone and feeling depressed/unwanted; I felt I needed something worthwhile to occupy my foreveraloneness.

Assturbating: Fast forward a few years from the dirty pr0n experience and I find myself losing interest in fapping while showering/on the toilet. I would either fap sitting on the toilet, facing the direction of the wall or fap in the shower, as I thought no one would know I was fapping. I explored my body and found a new way to fap; it was to spit on my penis and rub the head in a circular motion using the palm of my hand. I did that for a while and that got boring as well, so I started fingering my anus/prostate while simultaneously rubbing the head, which gave me the most pleasure I’ve ever felt during my whole life of fapping. Every time I finished though, I felt awful and asked myself, “wtf am I doing?” and yet, every chance I got to be home alone I’d continue to do the same thing. This was my last form of fapping until I started the NoFap challenge 16 days ago.

misc. stuff: I’ve had 1 gf who I went out with for 6 months, then we were married for 6 months, then I divorced her because she was an alcoholic and she abused me when she drank. Also, our sex lasted a maximum of 3 minutes. I had PE and I was ashamed of it, I didn’t know until now that it was linked to my masturbation.

tl;dr: My fap-life story: assturbating, fapping outside, sexual relations with relatives, using pets, feeling shameful, relief from posting this, I encourage you to share.

So, my fellow Fapstronauts, my motivation for NoFap is to not be that guy anymore. I don’t want to be the guy who secretly does sexual things with pets. I don’t want to be the guy that faps in secret. I don’t want to fap anymore, period. I’m tired of it. I want to be myself, because I don’t know who I really am. NoFap is helping me grow as a human, and I know NoFap will help everyone else grow as well. I encourage you all to share your deepest secrets as I have just now, it feels great pouring out your secrets without fear of being rejected/shamed. The people here in /NoFap are people who understand our pain and suffering so please, don’t be ashamed. What are you waiting for? Type up your story! I want to read it.

Good night good sirs and madams. Thank you for reading this. I will be back in 7 hours.