I’d like to share with you all the last 3 months of my life, relating to the use of porn, masturbation etc. I’m 23, in a 3-year long lasting relationship, but as I discovered about 3 months ago (thanks to this and other sites) I had been addicted to porn for a very long time.
I always thought that porn viewing was normal. Everybody did it, masturbation was also considered normal and little did I think it could cause any problems in my life. In the beginnings I only watched regular porn, never even looked at the hardcore stuff since I found it disgusting but then something happened. I had experienced my first sexual encounter, but failed – and blamed it on the alcohol. This happened 3 times and by the time I went to college I still thought porn was OK, just reminded myself to watch the booze. I haven’t realized that the kind of porn I used to watch changed and gradually it escalated until the only porn I watched was bi/transsexual porn. At times I even questioned my own sexuality, thinking about going for my first gay experience.
Somewhere between this I found a girl, became a couple and been together ever since. Of course, the sexual failures were very common in the beginning. Erection problems at first, then premature ejaculation, sometimes even delayed ejaculation. These problems have come and gone, and I never really thought what was the cause. Sometimes I blamed it on school/work related stress, tiredness and I even thought that my GF just stopped attracting me. Now I realise how lucky I am to have her endured all this and still stand by me.
But to get to the point. As most of you I have come across few articles dealing with the influence of porn on our sexual performance. I have thought for a while and really realised, that my sex life was always better at times when we were together for longer periods – during which I usually didn’t watch porn. After browsing the forums, reading almost every single article I came to the conclusion that I have to stop viewing porn.
And that’s what I did. 14 weeks ago.
The first 2 weeks were terrible. Couldn’t sleep. Really, I remember not sleeping for 4 or 5 days. Thought I’d go crazy. My head was about to explode. Then the flatline kicked in and lasted for 2, maybe 3 weeks. I felt ashamed, wronged, useless. The only thing that made me a man did not work. No morning woods. No interest in anything. Luckily, I haven’t seen my GF for almost a month, due to her studying for graduation exams, so I did not have to think about what would happen if we were to have sex.
After about 5-6 weeks, my morning wood came back. What a relief that was. I starting having the best erections of my life during the day. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but I had a feeling I was on the right track. Then, after the exams, we finally had sex, one of the best in our lives. No erection problems, no PE. I felt like Hercules and decided to carry on in what I was doing.
What now?
- I haven’t watched porn for almost 3 months now
- masturbated a few times, but always thought about my GF
- sometimes my erection is not 100% and sometimes I come as quick as in a couple of minutes, but I guess that is the part of the proccess
- I value my GF more, not just for the body or sex we are having, but somehow I stopped limiting our relationship to just physics and care more for the emotional aspect
- I cannot say I have more energy, because I never lacked it, or the motivation to do something – but I do feel good about myself, about stopping my addiction, something that was not real and something that stole my focus from reality
- I know my journey is not over. I still have urges sometimes. To turn it on, just as a treat for myself. That shemale porn, so exciting…
- But then I realise how stupid I would be If I went back, to those half-alive erections and 1 minute lasting sex
- In exchange for what? Instant rush of dopamine in my head that would f*ck me up for another 3 months?
What helped me?
- support pages, every time I had the feeling I would snap I visited the forums and read, just kept reading
- diet, even though I do not know if It helped a lot or just a bit, a few weeks before I stopped viewing porn I changed my diet, I stopped eating diary, minimized meat intake, started eating lots of fruits and veggies, mostly organic and I totally cut off junk food, later added chlorella and omega fats as supplements to help my brain with rebooting
- I also realised that the whole porn industry thing is just not real, the women, the acts, the feelings from it….now it feels alien to me, all those fake tit implants, make-up, fake situations, relationships, fake orgasms, fake penises, etc. Yes, the women may look better than in real life, but just because they are actresses, paid for it. It’s their job.
- And I decided I don’t want to watch other people have sex anymore. I want to be the one enjoying it ! Living the real deal, not the fake shit happening in the movie.
So that’s my story, I know it’s not over, I know I am leaving behind one way to instantly gratify myself, but I refuse to pay its cost anymore.
M.
LINK – 3 months and carrying on
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