First of all, I have no badge. I didn’t have a reddit account at all until just now, so excuse me for that. But anyway, I think this is my seventh week of the challange (give or take a bit), and I have to say it’s worked wonders in my life.
I’ll give you a brief outline of my story (because it’s totally healthy to talk to random dudes on the internet about your self-lovin’ history) and then I’ll try to explain why I have to leave reddit to continue on my journey.
I came to this nofap thing through a drunken conversation with my cousin. At the time I was just overcoming a case of possible chlamydia and having symptoms of what I thought was herpes (it later turned out to be scabies – you should have seen the look of relief on my face when I started getting sores on my ankles which eliminated the fear of the herp). I had also recently been experimenting with club drugs and for some reason I thought my testicles were shrivelling up and dying. In short, I was feeling like less of a man.
I didn’t realise it at the time, but I think I was probably suffering from mild erectile dysfunction. Remember the chlamydia I was talking about? Well, I am no player. The girl I (maybe) caught it off was the second girl I’ve ever made love to in my life. That was an unprotected one night stand with a stranger. Before then I had two girlfriends. One, my first, I had sex with (maybe five or six times in 2 ½ years), but it was always an awkward experience, focusing more on lasting as long as I could, and an obsession with my lasting a long time and being obsessed over her having an orgasm (we were both virgins, so you can imagine the difficulty). The embarrassing truth is I cried once because she didn’t orgasm. This was not, as I thought about her enjoyment, but really it was all about my EGO. Whether she would be screaming out my name, fear that word would get around that I sucked in bed. In short, I had been indoctrinated into a pornographic view of what sex is. She left me. I thought it was because I was not a good lover, but really it was because I was fucking crazy.
My second girlfriend, I never slept with. From then on in, I was petrified of being taught at as sexually lesser. For some reason I was also super judgemental of her body, again based on porn (which I didn’t realise). This weirdness and fear of sex (as well as a hundred other emotional problems on my part, eventually broke us apart.
That sad part is, I loved them both. I mean, it’s all in the past and we’ve made our peace. I’m not sorry about the bad sex, so much as the emotionally testing situations my mentality forced them into.
That is, until my one-night stand. I went out with a friend, wasn’t looking for anyone, so I just got drunk and kissed this beautiful girl. A hipster from girl from Scandinavia who was a few years older than me and living alone in the big city (I still live with my parents). Her, the confident women that she was took me back to her house, which was like an artists-dive, we listened to some records that by coincidence happened to be our shared favourites, retired upstairs and, well, you know…
And the crazy thing? I wasn’t a bad lover. I wasn’t bad at all. I could have screamed from the rooftops “I AM AT LEAST AVERAGE!!!”. I was ecstastic. I figured two things were at play a) She was a complete stranger with no connection to anyone I knew b) I was absolutely pissed-drunk. That pointed towards my problem being psychological. It was the fear that was ruining my sex life.
(the other thing is that she was a real feminist, not like the stereotype, but a believer in gender equality, and the brief conversations we had over drinks and breakfast planted a seed in my mind, where I had always thought myself very progressive. I began to realise I thought I owned women, I thought if I was nice to them, the owed me something and their bodies petrified me) -yet, despite all this, I still didn’t realise that I had a problem.
I got tested for STDs because I was having pains in my testicles. The test came back negative (but I had already taken the medicine because the doctor was so sure). I figured most likely had caught it off her and had just taken the urine test wrong (it has to be your first pee of the day and it wasn’t mine), but now I’m pretty sure I was just neurotic about my penis for no reason.
Sadly, I called this girl I didn’t know to announce she had Chlamydia before I figured this out. …awkwaaard.
As I said, I felt like less of a man. My balls were hurting. I was always checking for lumps. I became terrified they were shrinking. I thought I was going eunuch and my erections were very weak. My solution? I talked about sex all the time. I forced myself to objectify and rate every woman I saw. Parties for me were about getting drunk and kissing girls. They complied at first (maybe I‘m attractive, dare I say it ;P…), but they quickly ran away when they figured out I was fucking crazy. When I was home I was terrified of impotence. My erections had been gradually softening for a year, so I figured I could only sleep with drunk girls who wouldn’t notice.
And yet, I still didn’t realise I had a problem. I thought every man was a macho-fronting walking pile of anxieties, watching porn twice a day to “test” their virility. I had all the other problems, brain-fog, difficulty carrying on a conversation with the opposite sex, low confidence, inability to look other people in the eye.
So ANYWAY: drunken conversation with my cousin. I was boasting about how often I masturbated or some shit (which was for me a trophy of how full of manly testosterone I am) and he said he didn’t wank any more. He said he’d been practicing nofap. I laughed at him. He insisted there were benefits. I brushed it aside, it can’t be, I said, “It’s PRACTICE SEX!”
-what an idiot I was
A few weeks went by and I finally started to realise my mind was not in a healthy state. I figured I was spiritually sick. I got into Buddhist meditation, gender equality, started reading Gandhi and adopted a vow of non-violence (I cannot allow myself to commit violence in word, thought, or deed and must treat people with love and respect, even those who do me harm- or at least I endeavour to hold myself to this principle).
I’m not religious in the conventional sense, but I began questioning my life as morally as spiritually lacking.
So I arrived face to face with my porn as being a possible problem. I concluded that watching it condoned active violence against women in the industry. I eliminated video and kept nude photography which was always my favoured form anyway. Then I began to think that objectification was passively violent, in that it denied a woman her full personhood. My moral compass was beginning to grow (I guess I’ve had a late emotional puberty) and it was really starting to fuck with my selfish side!
I knew I had to stop. I knew I had to delete my hidden folder of photos, but I felt afraid of losing my collection (I didn’t even think it was weird to be attached to them!). I couldn’t do it.
And then, like many, I watched Gary Wilson’s video. I did it, I deleted all my porn. I stopped masturbating. I vowed never to watch porn again, because it was hurting my real-life sexuality.
And now it’s been about seven weeks. I haven’t really been keeping count obsessively. I’ve just been living. The results are amazing.
- I’m interacting normally with people
- I feel like I have a right to walk this earth
- I’m more at peace with myself and others
- I can talk to anyone
- I’m forming genuinely meaningful relationships with women. They seem to feel safe around me. Because I have no ulterior motives, and I’m so proud of that!
- I now have emotions. My happiness is happy and my sadness is sad. I love even being sad. It makes me feel alive.
- I even feel more intelligent, more able to hold a conversation and express myself
- I feel like a full, sexual being. I’ve been a practical eunuch my whole life. Now I’m free. I look forward to each day I get to be alive.
I’m having a slight emotional flatline and the moment but I know it will pass. And I have one overwhelming feeling, it screams through my whole being: THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL WORLD OUT THERE, SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE, SO MANY THINGS TO DO, AND I’VE BEEN DRUGGING MYSELF ON FALSE ELECTRONIC LOVE FOR TOO LONG: MY REAL LIVING HAS BEGUN
(I hope that doesn’t sound fucking stupid) Now, I’m still trying to self improve. I’m trying to love my enemies, love myself (with compassion now, not petroleum jelly :P) and to cultivate this love that now pours out of me for my loved ones and friends, into using this love for good, being a genuine and caring MAN (I‘m a man now, tee hee). I’ve kept up the meditation. I’m finishing my final year of university (I was on the brink of dropping out), I’m planning my travels across Europe, alone, in search of the good life (wherever it may be) next year. I’m going to try being a starving artist for a while. Because, as the prophet says, “fuck it!”
So, anyway, to steal from a great author; Irvine Welsh (who I can now admit I’ve never read, because I’ve admitted everything else): I CHOOSE LIFE.
And that brings me to you, reddit. From the beginning of my journey, I looked at this subreddit every day. It gave my inspiration. In truth, it gave me something secretive to look up on my computer. Something to do on sleepless nights.
I LOVE YOU, MODS, FOR KEEPING PEOPLE LIKE ME INSPIRED I LOVE YOU, NOFAPPERS
But I have to leave you. Like porn is a shitty, pretend version of sex; social networks, are a shitty, pretend version of real human interaction. It reminds me of my old life too much, so I’m going to quit.
(I have to keep facebook up until I finish college – for communication with my class, but that will go too when it can)
But before I quit reddit lurking, I thought I‘d sign up and write this post. Just to express my gratitude.
And then I’ll continue this journey alone, my life forever changed.
Thank you all so much.
I don’t even want to go back to PMO now. I’m so happy watching this reboot happen before my eyes.
It’s been absolute catharsis writing this. Take care!
(I’m keeping up the NoFap lifestyle, but I’m moving away from message boards. I encourage others to join me when the time feels right. I think it’s an important step.)
BYE!xx
-Anonymous guy, 23.
TL;DR: ME+NOFAP+MEDITATION+NONVIOLENCE= MY SOUL AWAKENING, SUPERPOWERS AND A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE
LINK – 50(ish) days in, and I’m out of here! A stream of consciousness rant.
by OMGMcGee
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