For the beginning I just want to apologize for some grammatical mistakes because I don’t use English very often and I want to tell you that it is going to be a very long story, maybe one of the longest I have read so if you don’t want to read it, nobody forces you. This story covers up everything important about my problems caused by porn in the last five years of my life.
I am 24 years old at the moment. So, maybe it is best to start with the beginning. Let’s say that this beginning is when I was seven years old. I started going to primary school and straight away I was the BOSS because I was the strongest kid in my class and everybody respected me LOL. I wasn’t a shy kid and I was nice-looking so all the girls liked me. I was very talkative and social person, always happy kid.
When i was eight years old, my older cousins taught me how to masturbate, it was very funny for them because they were fourteen years old and I was eight, but nevermind, it was the beginning. It was very good feeling, I didn’t even used my imagination because I didn’t know what am I doing but I just knew that at the end I would feel awesome, so I did it every day, sometimes more than once in one day.
Next year when I was nine I found dad’s stash of playboy magazines. Boy oh boy how happy I was. Better than Disneyland for me. I was reading it every day few times per day, those girls were amazing, but after some period of time I needed some stronger kick, and yes I found it, it was some porn magazine of people having sex in it. Well this shit was some higher level for me and I replaced whole stash of playboy for this one porn magazine. I masturbated several times a day using this magazine, but my life was ok in that time. I was still very outgoing person, very social, I did a lot of sport, was very horny like other kids, I could achieve a boner whenever I want it.
In next two-three years I collected many more porn magazines but I started feeling boring as hell. They didn’t do as much kick to my brain and body like they used to in the beginning. Next step were porn movies when I was twelve years old. Like always I found a TV channel with porn after 11 p.m. and whenever I was at home alone I watched them and they were about a million time better than magazines, sooooo my magazines ended up in the garbage.
Next two years, guess what, several times a day masturbation using porn movies on DVD. The only problem was I got used to all the scenes after I watched it once, but it was ok for about two years when my friends showed me way how to watch porn on internet and how to delete history after watching so my parents don’t find out. Even than I discovered that i have some fetishes, which I don’t want to talk about here because I don’t want to trigger you.
Using internet porn every day, I was still a normal kid, without any problem, I really didn’t see any impact on my life. I enjoyed to be around girls and would always feel awesome with them, especially when kissing, texting… As I sad, I was very handsome (and still am hahaha) so I didn’t have problems finding a girls, but I was always so happy when I was going home because I knew that first thing would be turning on my computer and then watching porn. It was my daily routine.
When I was 15 high school started and I wasn’t BOSS anymore because there were much stronger, bigger people and I was new, didn’t know anybody but somehow I succeed to start dating the best looking girl in the school. Fast forward, first sex didn’t went very well, my little friend wasn’t up (now I know that it was because of porn and my expectations due to porn but never mind) next day we tried it again and something like sex has happened. From that day I have never had any problem with my little friend until 5 years ago. Between age 15 and 19 it was high school time and I was still very normal person, social, outgoing… Always horny as hell, and only thing that has changed was my porn taste. It become worst, I was watching things that I didn’t really like in real life, but in porn this things were big turn on (novelty=dopamine). I sometimes watched things which aren’t in my sexual orientation but ok.
When I was 19 years old my college started. I got fit wery well, people were great, only problem was lack of girls but nevermind. It was time when first smartphones were on the market but I wasn’t some freak about it, I had old NOKIA hahaha. I needed my own personal computer for college so my parents have bought me one. Soon i got my first Smartphone. Very important thing is that I broke up with my girlfriend, she told me that I was inactive and boring. I was crushed, was really feeling bad because I loved her very much. I missed her so much, but I got high speed internet, my own computer in MY room and a Smartphone.
Guess what happened, daily PMO sessions for hours. My college is very hard and it demands a lot of hours in front of computer, so i got used to PMO every hour or two. I sometimes escalated in very fucked up porn genres. Once I was freshman, me and my best friend were on a trip to Hungary city Budapest and we went to night club, got very drunk and met some girls, they were hot and somehow me and one of them ended up in my hotel room. Probably you know what happened, my little guy was dead as much as he could be. I apologized to her, I blamed alcohol for that and continued with my life. I forgot to mention that it has happened once already, exactly that just different girl.
First time I was little concerned but I had many alcohol in my blood so…This second time again but I realized that I lost some fire in my body, didn’t know exactly what but I was feeling like real girls are boring, and I started masturbating a lot more to much more hardcore porn and avoiding real girls as much as I could. The biggest problem was that I felt into some depression state of mind, didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to talk with anybody. Screwed up my college heavily. Porn was the only thing that made my life happy back then.
The biggest mistakes come right now. I wanted something more realistic so I started masturbating on cam to cam internet sites. For me it was more than real sex, never had problem with erection or losing it, it was hard to find girls so sometimes I started masturbating with some dudes. Yes dudes…I know this sounds bad but it is true.
I continued to do it every day for several hours, and after few months, I realized I have very big problem. I couldn’t get erection to girls on screen, only in very very hardcore porns, but on guys without problems…wtf I was confused as fuck so I stopped doing it, it felt very bad and strange. I continued to PMO on hardcore porn but it was boring and my little buddy wasn’t hard as it should be. My real life was a disaster, one night I was dancing in a club with a beautiful girl and she was shaking with her ass around my little friend but he was dead and it was first time when I really got scared.
Had few more attempts with some girls but without luck every time. I thought it was because I am too worried and I can’t relax, this was what I have read on the internet due to my problem. The biggest problem is what I discovered next, and yes this shit is called TRANSEXUAL porn, shemale porn, ladyboy, tranny, name it how you want it. I apologize, I don’t want to offend anybody, but for me it is all big shit because it screwed my life very fucking bad. This addiction was very bad, every time I watched it, my little guy was hard as rock, I felt some fire inside me while watching it, and then disgust after orgasm. Didn’t know what is happening and I didn’t care. But it was some loop, addiction was to strong and I was addicted for long time, watching only that kind of porn. So something about my real life, zero attraction to girls, no motivation for anything, stopped with any kind of sport long time ago, had another unsuccessful sex with very great girl, got really rusty, fat…
Sooooo summer 3 years ago, me and my friends went to vacation, I met one very very very great girl, she was intelligent, smart, good looking as fuck, oh she was 10/10 . Guys trust me, i didn’t went to bed with this one, but we had some great time, and luckily she lives nearby me in my home city, so we stayed in touch. I don’t know how I manage to have normal conversation with her, because I looked at girls only like they were flesh and bones, but you know why, in that time when I first saw her, I was 10 days already on vacation and didn’t see any porn so my brain was little better. In my home town, I was very happy when she has texted me, but what I realized is that I have ZERO will power to have sex with her, and it was very strange for me. Always very horny and now nothing. I felt confused, but i thought it will be fine when and if we end up in a bed. Yes it happened, we were dating some time and one night we ended up in a bed. My dear friends who are reading this…do you know how it feels…it sucks sooooo bad, again my little guy wasn’t hard, actually he was very dead.
I told her that it has nothing to do with her, that I am very tired and a ton of shit. You who are reading this and I, we know why this has happened. But it wasn’t end…I come home and I turned on my computer, went to internet, typed TRANSEXUAL porn, and boooom instant erection, hard as rock….Thank you internet, in next second I developed severe HOCD. Boy I was scared to death that I am gay…
First few days were living hell, those who have it, you know what I am talking about, and later I am going to tell you more about it. So I dated this girl for next month or two, but every time we went out was because she wanted, and I said ok. I couldn’t talk normally with her. I was in a fear 24/7 and without any attraction to her so we broke up. I was very happy when we broke up because it was easier to be miserable and alone without her. Well you can’t be with girl like her if you are miserable, suicidal and depressed. She deserves a great man.
So what I did next, I started googling my problems and discovered NoFap, YBOP, Reboot Nation, discovered that I have HOCD, actually I discovered that I am destroying myself for a decade. Logically I stopped watching porn as they say on NoFap, YBOP and Reboot Nation, 80 hardmode days have passed very fast and then I relapsed again with Tranny porn, and after that I was binging few more days. My HOCD was little bit better, but far away from good. Libido, erections and morning wood were still nonexistent.
I was angry at myself, because I wanted to be BOSS like I used to be and not to be walking dead. I set my counter to zero; I think that this time I did 30 days hardmode, again ended up with relapse to tranny porn. This time I hit myself with my fist into the head how angry I was. Again binging few more days and again hardmode then relapse and it has happened many times in last 3 years. My personal best was 160 days, in that period I could have normal hard boners sometimes and 4/7 days morning wood but still no libido.
Believe me guys, it is not about how many days have been passed, it is all about what you are doing during this days, and what are you going to do in period of time starting at this moment lasting until you die. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. After you read this, go out, somewhere, god knows where, if you can, leave your phone at home, go to walk in a wood, go ride your bicycle, hang out with your friends, go to gym, go visit your grandparents, help your parents with something, do something useful, it won’t change the world or your life, but doing it every day, it will become your routine so it means you are going to become a better person. Forget about your dick and PIED and some stories about fapstronauts, forget about worrying about do you have morning wood this morning or not, don’t think about what would happen if you find great girl and you don’t get him hard and how many days are you without PMO and bla bla bla.
I have one bad news for some of you guys…The most important thing for me and for all of you is rewiring. Listen to me, you MUST be persistent in finding your soulmate. Going many days without PMO is very nice and useful but it is just a peak of big iceberg. Going NoFap and not changing anything in your life will change absolutely nothing. There are many people on many sites who are complaining about being 1,2,3 or 4 years absolutely PMO free and they still didn’t achieve nothing. Why? Because their only goal is to got their little boy hard so they can fuck every girl who walks nearby. It is completely wrong, believe me. It shouldn’t be your goal, because if it is your goal, then you are doing everything wrong, and do you know why?? Because I HAVE BEEN THERE.
Girls are beautiful human beings, they are funny, they are sensitive, they need a lot of attention. Everyday is a new battle how to win her heart. Sex is only something nice which usually come along with relationship. You should be funny and good to her if you want to keep her. She has her life, she has her problems, every month she is few days in her period and you have to support her, she has to be your best buddy. Stop treating them as they are sex dolls, they deserve much greater man than you are in this moment.
I am reading recovering stories, and stories of people having problems for a long time and many people talk about superpowers. What are they supermans or what? Fuck that, you won’t have superpowers, you are just going to be a normal human being. You are going to be a person as you supposed to be if you didn’t watch porn for so long. Where am I now? I realized this thing about life goals a long time ago, and I changed my life style completely. I study mechanical engineering, in my country it is the most hardest college, and I have finished the hardest exams because I fully committed myself, six more months and I am an engineer… Can you believe it?
3 years ago I was nobody, man without any goal…now I hit the gym 3 times a week, I look great, started boxing year ago and it is very useful for life believe me, because life is one big opponent, and if you are weak, it will crush you. I travel a lot whenever I can, with money or without. I socialize a lot, I talk with many people, sometimes I go hitchhiking.
My girlfriend left me 5 years ago, and today we are together again, and to be honest if I were on her place 5 years ago, I would do the same thing she did much earlier because I was stupid human being. Now, I am very happy with her, she is very beautiful, I love her very much and we spend a lot of time together.
And now something about sex what i guess everybody wants to know. Porn addiction…I really can’t tell you when was the last time i did PMO, but really, I guess more than a year and a half has passed. Do we have normal sex? Yes we have, every time when I see her naked my guy is stone hard and we practice karezza sex because I think that it isn’t very smart to have sex with orgasm and ejaculation in the beginning and it makes you feel like you want your partner more and more and it is useful in long term relationships to keep that fire between both partners and I think that if you have sex with orgasm and ejaculation to often that it can set you back a little.
Only problem is that my libido isn’t fully recovered so it isn’t that I am walking with stone in my pants but if he need to do some action, he WILL be ready. Last time I saw TRANNY porn was more than 2 years ago, and believe me I didn’t even type it until now hahaha.
Question is are you always going to be addicted in trannsexual porn or any other genre. NO!! After more than 2 years, I have really forgot about I even watched it, but you have to fight against it. It is not going to be easy job.
Like I said before, I got some fetishes due to porn consumption, and after long time period living very active life, they really faded away. When you stop watching porn, your brain will seek dopamine in any possible form, I suggest you to say fuck off to your brain every time, and after you won many battles against your brain, he is going to stop attacking you, and will become your friend. You should install some porn blocker, and the best possible solution what I did, was to give my girlfriend my account of my porn blocker so she can see everything what I search on the internet. Try now watching porn or anything related if you have balls. To make it short, ANYTHING ARTIFICIAL IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
Now I am going to tell you in short form what you should and shouldn’t be doing:
1) Immediately stop watching porn, and stop with masturbation. (some people say that masturbation is good, but really is it possible for you who are porn addict to masturbate without imagination? I don’t think so, and masturbation will took your energy away, and that energy is what you need to do PRODUCTIVE things.)
2) You stopped watching porn, congratulations and now stop watching dirty youtube videos and bikini pictures or facebook pictures, twitter, instagram and other million sites like these. STAY AWAY FROM PIXELS. You are fooling only YOURSELF.
3) Install some good porn blocker and give your account to your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/mom/dad/sister/brother or whoever.
4) Start doing something productive right now, but first go out from your house, it is good start. Do something what you want to do for a very long time.
5) DO NOT GO TO BED AND START IMAGINE YOURSELF HAVING SEX WITH SOME GIRL, I SAD DO NOT!!! It is very counterproductive, It isn’t as bad as watching porn, but believe me it is bad.
6) You should seek for a partner. Someone who you can share secrets with and someone you can tell what is going on. It is very crucial. Rewiring IS THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. Read it again!!!!!! Without it, things will go slowly as much as they can. You must tell your partner what is going on because it will make things much easier and it will put your pressure away. If she don’t want to be a support in your life when you are healing, than she doesn’t deserve you PERIOD.
7) If you count the days, DO NOT get upset if you don’t see any improvements after those stupid number of 90 days. Believe me, some people maybe get cured after 90 days, but if you are hardcore porn addict like I was, than 90 days is only warming-up. After 90 days you should be free from urges to watch porn and that is everything. That is moment when you should use your free time to do something good for yourself.
8) FLATLINE. Stupid motherfucker…terrible period of time. Do not ask me or anybody how long will it last because nobody knows, maybe a month, and maybe a year, if somebody tells you it will last 34 days, 9 hours and 14 minutes, he is probably full of shit. It is time that your brain needs to get normal so let him take all the time he needs. This is actually very good because it will release your brain from porn cravings.
9) MORNING WOOD…well if you think about it every day, it is possible that you won’t have it. Do not put pressure on anything. It is a good sign that you are improving, but you can wake up without it for million reasons such as anxiety, stress or ALARM. If you wake up every day using alarm, then it is normal that you skip this period of time in the morning when you should have morning wood. So don’t worry about it, first time after ten years i felt morning wood after 4 months in NoFap. Some people experienced it after 6 or 8 months or even more, so don’t worry.
10) Do not trust your brain, he will try to trick you many times, now he is your ENEMY. Do not fall for it.
11) Socialize with people, very important.
I think that I have covered up everything important, now I WILL help my friends who have HOCD (porn induced or not).
As I mentioned earlier in text, because of lack of dopamine in my brain over time I started watching gay porn and transexual porn. Normal porn related with my sexual orientation became too boring. I needed stronger kick in the head, and this genres were pretty strong so I was ok with it, I knew that it is only porn. My problems started after I have realized that I can’t achieve erection with normal porn or with real girls. I got terrified that I might be gay, and 5 minutes later HOCD.
As i mentioned, first few weeks were the worst weeks in my life. I was so scared, I couldn’t believe that it is happening to me, I always liked girls, been in love with them, imagined them and all the other beautiful things. I don’t have anything against gay people but i could never understand them. So what I did, I started googling about HOCD every day and night, it became my obsession. I sometimes felt some relief after reading about it on the internet, and sometimes I read something written by somebody who don’t know what HOCD is and I would feel devastated. It took all my energy, I couldn’t function properly, I couldn’t hang out with my friends because I thought that i feel I could become gay. If some male person was nearby me, I would be feeling sick. I was watching every man and woman on the street and trying to understand what do I like. When I saw a woman, I wouldn’t feel anything (because of my porn destroyed brain), and when I would look at the random man I felt that shitty groinal response. It was very bad feeling.
I can write about it 10 more pages because I have battled with it for almost 2 years but I won’t because you know all the things. So first year was pretty shitty, I wanted to know all the answers why am I like this. You see, this is the problem, I don’t want to call it HOCD, because I will just name it OCD because that is what it is. Do you know what OCD is? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is actually just simple ANXIETY. One question for you and your brain have whole day for processing it. Believe me, YOU ARE NOT GAY OR BISEXUAL, and do you know why am I 100000% sure? Because you are afraid that you are gay. Tell me something, do you think that gay people are afraid that they are gay? No they aren’t , they are afraid how the society are going to react and that is all. They don’t want to become heterosexual, they are happy because they are gay, believe me, I have spoken with many gay people. If you ask them, they would be the happiest people in the universe if they have some gay planet where nobody would watching them like there is something wrong. And when I ask you what do you want to be gay or straight, I know the answer, but you don’t have to answer it, because your brain is going to play tricks and you won’t feel like you are telling me the truth.
You probably imagine yourself with every male person around you and you feel disgusted, afraid and exhausted because your brain is working very very fast and it is taking away all your energy. You think that gay person feels disgusted around some handsome male person? I don’t think so. But you do and that is what makes you 10000% straight. OCD attacks ALWAYS something what you really ARE NOT!!!!!!! Remember this!!!
Every day is going to be hard and you are going to ask yourself a million questions, and that is what OCD is. I have read some stupid tests for OCD about can you imagine yourself kissing a male or not (do you like it or not) and if you say yes then you are gay and if you say no you are straight. It is stupid because you are probably going to say no but your brain will tell you it isn’t true. So don’t do this stupid tests.
Next thing are gay people who live in the closets. Please don’t start googling am I in a closet or not hahahaha because you are not and they will just screw your brain. People who were „straight“ whole their life and have kids and they are now gay, and then you ask yourself, what if this is my case…hmm hmmm…well it isn’t because they were always gay and they always wanted to be with same sex person but couldn’t because of the society and religion . I have one very good test for you which has helped me a lot. When you are in the car, and waiting on the traffic light, and some very hot chick is walking in front, well this first moment what you feel when you see this girl is what you are. Do you understand? This first second when you saw that girl before your stupid brain with OCD got involved and tried to play tricks with you and tried to convince you that you are gay is what you are. After 5 seconds your brain is going to tell you that she is borring and that you should look at some handsome guy, but it is not important, the first second when you saw her is important.
How I overcome severe OCD? Well because I was porn addict, I couldn’t use ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) using gay porn because it is how I got it, so I use real life ERP. I often went to sauna where are a lot of naked guys and some of them are gay and they are looking at you sometimes (sometimes I hate myself for being handsome LOL), but believe me it is the strongest weapon against OCD.
Do not stop hanging out with your friends and do not stop doing things and visiting places where you feel like shit, it is not helping, when you realize that nobody can’t hurt you and that it is just some stupid thought then you are going to feel better. Thoughts are just thoughts. Many times I had some dreams of me with some guys doing stuff, and what I did first time? I almost killed myself, and what I did second time? Nothing, I just told myself that I have much more important things to do than worrying about NOTHING. Porn is just a porn, these are just a pixels.
You go to cinema and you pay a lot of money to watch some horror movie where a man with a chainsaw is cutting people in halfs, so does it mean that in real life you would like to watch it? I don’t think so. You watched this movie because it is unreal and you felt some thrill. Do you get it?
You are probably thinking what if you end up in a bed with some guy and you got erection and you suddenly have sex…Well that is something that many of us can do. Most of the actors in gay porn movies are straight. If you open Kinsey scale, you are going to see that not so many people are 100% gay or 100% straight. It means that many people can have sex with same sex person, but important thing is only what do you want. And now you are confused and you don’t understand what do you want. When these thoughts come up to you, only thing that you should do is NOTHING. This is the only difference between you and somebody who doesn’t have OCD. If someone who doesn’t have OCD ask himself is he gay, the answer will be short. NO in one second and that is all without processing and complications but not you. You can’t do this. You are thinking about it all the time.
I can’t write here everything about it because i really collected almost every possible answer no matter how stupid the question was. I think that I have all the answers that you need because I really had severe HOCD and I overcome it. You see, don’t search about HOCD or OCD, if you really must, search about ANXIETY because it is what is hurting you, HOCD is just next phase, ANXIETY is the root of your problems and if you want to visit a psychiatrist, well choose wisely because there are many of them who don’t know what are you talking about, and you will feel worse than before …
So guys, if someone has any question about anything, feel free to ask because I think that this text become really to big hahaha. I have million thoughts in my head about addiction and HOCD that I want to share with you guys so only option is to write a book hehehe.
I wanted to write this for a very long time because i really feel like I owe to community.
I would like to say thanks to every great person on this site and all the other sites, who have helped me a lot in the most terrifying moments of my life, and sincerely guys big THANK YOU to everybody.
I hope that this will inspire someone and help some of you guys. If only one person get better after reading this, and if only one person do what I said, than all this effort for writing this will make me the happiest person alive.
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