I believe I am entitled to a long-ass post now that I have my blue star. Here goes.
Backstory I’m a 25 year old male who was raised in a traditional Evangelical home in a small church town where I was raised with some very conflicted messages around sex, such as “masturbation is a sin”. In addition to this my parents did their best to shelter us in an already conservative social atmosphere, minimal/distorted sex-ed, we grew up largely without being exposed to a lot of the tv shows and media (pokemon was evil, harry potter was evil), finally got a computer at 16, internet at 17.
I’ve been living independently now for 7 years, have backpacked through 2 overseas continents (solo for most of the way), and put myself through a bachelors degree. Despite plenty of friends and being a paid artist I still managed to retain my virginity until 25, and struggled with recurring episodes of debilitating depression and anxiety around women.
The Next 3 Months I really just stumbled upon this place last December. I had just graduated and was re-evaluating my life, cycles were coming to a close, and I had never really seen my porn addiction (PMO 1/day, always with the P) as something that might be contributing to my larger personal issues. Watched a few videos on Nofap.org and it just clicked, how had I not seen this earlier?
The first month might have been a flat-line, though not completely. I channeled my urges into working out, (I’ve been chronically underweight my entire life) and very quickly felt those initial 1-2 week-in pro-life pro-relationship affects. I felt such a relief having finally recognized a bad habit I’d been a blind slave to for years.
Then, something crazy happened. A roommate of mine was moving out and needed a place to stay for a few nights, she was already a close friend and a nice christian girl (I’m not christian anymore, I practice a type of magick, but there was something very charming about this). I invited her to crash with me, and lo, over the next 3 nights we shared a barrel of laughter and I lost my v-card. It was only on the 3rd night that I didn’t get PIED, and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend to be around for that.
For a while after she left town I went a bit crazy, the chaser affect hit hard, I got very emotional. I forced myself to go out as much as possible. I started seeing another girl that I wasn’t really into to forget about the last one, and to prove to myself I could conquer the anxiety that had plagued me my entire life. I still got PIED, but it wasn’t as severe, and could be conquered with a bit of patience.
The last month was the toughest. I went back to hard-mode, but still kept very socially active and worked out regularly. The urges were stronger than ever but I made it.
I think I want to keep going until around 120 days, or at least until my next opportunity to have sex. This challenge has been life-changing for me, although I’ve realized that it is only amplifying strengths and traits that I already have, but was conditioned not to use.
Stay strong fapstronauts. Channel that energy, Light be with you.
The Treasure
- discovery of sexual identity
- alleviated guilt and depression
- increased energy + confidence levels
- changes in perception and personality – supreme dance-floor seduction powers!!
The Pits
- increased tension/stress
- some intense emotional roller-coastering
- trouble sleeping
LINK – 90 Days – Relearning my ABC’s
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