If I can affect ONE human being with this post then I’ve done my job. It is my civil duty to express my no fap/internet porn addiction/ED story; as real and raw as I can.
Where do I start..
I was always a fairly chubby kid. I wasn’t huge and I stayed active, but I wasn’t fit. In hindsight, I realize I was just a normal sized kid, but my feelings weren’t always that way. My older cousin picked on me (due to his own insecurities), which manifested into my poor self-image. When I reflect back on it, that is the only reason I can think of that lead me to have low self-esteem; among other minor occurrences with girls. I was always insecure about my body. I didn’t really try to date until I lost some weight. I always had this weird preoccupation with my penis size; I felt it was embarrassingly small. I’m not sure where that feeling came from, but it only made things worse.
Around 15/16, I got my first girlfriend. I lost about 20 lbs. over the summer and I came back to high school junior year with a fresh lease on life. I easily got more attention from girls. The one who liked me the most, and made efforts to let me know, ended up becoming my girl. We would make out and hold hands and all that cool stuff. I would get intense boners just from being next to her. My hormones were out of control and I couldn’t wait to lose my virginity to her. It was only a matter of time. There were days when we’d go back to her house after school, and I’d be championing to go to her room. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to be with her, feel her, experience intimacy.
Fast forward to 1 month deep into the relationship, we still haven’t had sex, but it was coming. For some reason (Most likely me being nervous and uncomfortable), I decided to break up with her. I knew deep down I didn’t want to stay with her forever, and also, I was scared of sex. It was a tough separation, she didn’t want to let me go, and even though we weren’t together, she still wanted to take my virginity. I’m sure she thought she could win me over that way. I reluctantly agreed. I definitely wanted to do it, but I was so insanely nervous about it.
Maybe 2 days before I was going to come over her place to lose my virginity, I was nervous about my potential performance. Obviously, I didn’t know what I was doing. She had already had sex before. I found myself perusing the web late-night while my family was asleep. I’m not sure how I came across pornographic images, but they were there… and I was hard. All I did was touch my penis and I came. It was the best feeling I had ever felt. From that night on is when my addiction to internet porn started.
That Sunday, I went over to my ex’s house. Her parents weren’t home, we went down to her room, started kissing, and I recall being extremely nervous. When I took off my pants, my dick was completely limp. I didn’t know what to do. And then her brother tries to waltz in the room, which made it even more awkward. It was a complete failure. I was so embarrassed. I wasn’t sure why it happened. In my humble opinion, I believe It was a case of stage fright. I don’t feel that my porn induced ED was to blame just yet.
From there on, I continued to masturbate to porn every night I could. It quickly escalated to Tranny porn. I was questioning my sexuality very early due to my inability to be aroused when with a woman. Almost every girl I dealt with, I couldn’t stay hard. One girl, I went over her house 4 or 5 times in an attempt to have sex with her.. and we’d end up just making out with me flaccid. I would be drunk almost every time to loosen up. I was 17. I always thought it was because of nervousness.
By 19, I was still getting drunk and started picking up street hookers. With them, my inhibitions were thrown completely out of the window. I wasn’t as nervous because there were no expectations, which allowed me to attempt to have real sex. The first few times with prostitutes weren’t the best, but one night, I picked up a woman that was tweaking off crack. You could tell she had been up for days because she was ready to fall asleep. She did end up passing out in my passenger seat, and while she was sleeping, I moved over in front of her, pulled down her pants, and proceeded to penetrate her. I came inside her and had finally lost my virginity.
By 20, I decided to change my life again, lose more weight (I had gained everything back originally), and start fresh. I managed to meet a few awesome girls. A couple of them I had sex with. I got a new girlfriend. I was feeling a little more confident. I was still struggling to have 100% fulfilling sex. 1 out of every 5 sessions, I would maybe perform well. The rest, I would get soft in between sex, or not get hard at all. I eventually broke up with my girlfriend at that time because I wasn’t totally comfortable with her. It always felt like a chore having sex with her. I wasn’t 100% into it.
I was always into porn, though. And prostitutes were always easier to be comfortable with; even though I would have issues staying hard for even them sometimes. I even would pick up trannys. It eventually led to my addiction to crack cocaine. Now THAT almost killed me. It became a nasty quest to feel good. I would get super drunk, drive around to find the first crackhead hooker, and have her buy us both crack. It became a vicious cycle all to feel good sexually. Ironically, the crack high never allowed me to have an erection, but I loved the feeling of being intimate while high. It was the best I ever felt. Real intimacy with real girls was just too overwhelming and uncomfortable to me. I hit rock bottom.
I moved across the country to overcome my addictions. It was all about quitting alcohol and crack first and foremost. That was my main issue. At this point, I’m 22 and still under the impression that major performance anxiety and body insecurity are the main reasons I still can’t totally submit myself to a normal girl. But by 23, I found myself not being able to get hard AT ALL; like worse than ever before. I used to be able to get hard and then lose the erection. I went through a couple of new experiences where I couldn’t get hard at all even though I didn’t feel insecure or uncomfortable. I knew there had to be deeper roots to my problem.
Also, my porn addiction escalated to an even more extreme category that I rather not put in writing. But I’m sure you guys can think of a couple of totally taboo and unacceptable categories. That pretty much led to me feeling more insecure, unsure, and uncomfortable. I was losing touch with all women, because I knew even when I’d start texting a girl whether I will be able to perform with her or not; I knew I would not get hard. I was sure. There became no point to even try.
I came across the concept of NoFap this year. I’m 25 now. I instantly felt that internet porn HAD to be my problem. All of these testimonies and stories were very relatable to me. I made the decision to quit masturbating.
That was about 3 months ago. I relapsed about 3 times already for no more than 6 days at a time. While I’m not completely healed, I can easily say that I gained my libido back. The girl I’m with now, I hung out with and ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH HER. REAL, MEANINGFUL SEX. I WAS TOTALLY HORNY AND INTO HER. IT WAS THE BEST FEELING OF MY LIFE!
Don’t get me wrong, there were some hiccups during the night, but my boner was there and kicking! There was no hiding it. I was too horny to worry about performance anxiety.
I AM A WALKING SUCCESS STORY! THIS IS REAL! IF YOU’RE FEELING DOWN, JUST REMEMBER TO KEEP GOING! IT MAY TAKE A WHILE, BUT IT’S REAL. YOU TOO CAN FREE YOURSELF OF INTERNET PORN ADDICTION.
I can still easily relapse any day. I’m not completely saved.. but I’ve seen the light! This was all my addiction to internet porn. It feels amazing to know I’ve been fighting this battle and finally made some progress.
PLEASE IF YOU’RE FEELING WORTHLESS LIKE I WAS, KNOW THAT THERE IS DEFINITELY A CHANCE FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT AND YOU HAVE TO CARE ENOUGH TO. ALL I WANTED WAS TO FEEL NORMAL, AND BE WITH A GIRL. That was literally what drove me to drink, trick, and do drugs. It was the very root of all of my problems.
I will be asking this one to be my girlfriend this weekend, God willing. She really likes me and I explained to her my story and she understands and is willing to work with me. I’m NOT special. I’m just like you! If I can do it, you can!
LET’S GO!
LINK – SUCCESS STORY TO END ALL SUCCESS STORIES! MUST-READ!
by SoSuccessful
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