I healed a big part of myself, in sex, relationships and manhood. I had the most amazing sex of my life (thank you Brazil). I co-created the most amazing and strong relationships with men and women whom I love. Love flows thru me. I have become love.
[History] There I was kissing with all the girl friends I had. Behind the door in my living room, at school, in the locked room of my parents. I was 4.
I once returned home with the underwear of my friend after we went naked in her parents’ bedroom. It still is a family joke, haha.
We didn’t have sex of course but we kissed and played naked (not with each other genitals). There I was so young and innocent yet sexually curious and attracted.
At Age 6 I discovered porn. Hell I couldn’t even masturbate at that time.
I’d wake up early before my parents, I can still feel the feeling of horniness on an empty stomach.
When my parents were away I’d print some pictures of porn on paper. I’d hide them inside the belly of my teddybear.
Eventually I discovered masturbation, soon these 2, porn and masturbation, went hand in hand along the sidewalk.
At this point similar contact with girls I had at age 4 stopped because we got caught and all were discouraged not to do this kind of things.
Years went by. Porn was becoming more important every year. We’d explore together with my friends at age 10. Everything was awesome!
“This is very bad, you can’t look at these things” My dad said to me very passive aggressively. Not even saying the word porn. I was caught and shamed bad. At least it felt this way
Then, at age 12, middle school came along.
Worse time ever, pimples came along, worse friends ever and then there were the bullies. I started to play video games excessively along with porn. At this moment I felt so awkward and shameful around girls my age. I felt so much shame I couldn’t even look them in the eyes, especially the girls I found attractive. I made myself feel wrong for wanting to have sex with them (dad’s voice). I was torn apart. Basically, I felt like shit most of the times. Super anxious so I numbed myself with porn. Advocating that porn was really good if I wanted to have great sex one day.
As I aged towards Highschool I started to develop a social mask for myself to survive. I chose the quiet dangerous looking cool one. Sadly at some point I couldn’t even remove the mask not even to my loved ones not even to myself. No more love for me.
I felt more deeper and deeper into gaming, porn and now binging series as well.
I secretly became a walking death so numb with multiple masks so scared so anxious. I left al my hobbies, I never cried because that was not so cool. So much pain that didn’t even felt like pain. More like hell. No one noticed because it was al done secretly inside my room and the only evidence was my browser history (which I deleted) and some tissues. The last one carelessly covered my whole floor most of the time.
Even the colors of life began to literally fade away. Everything looked more grey.
At the same time I still eluded myself that porn was good for me. Up at age 16 I’d have my HD pirate downloaded adult movies. Deep inside I felt that I wasn’t happy though. Somewhere my heart craved for change. I quit all the hobbies I had left to spend my free time with. Now my hobby had become porn, video games and TV series.
In the summer of 2014 I stumbled upon an article, “Quit porn and have amazing sex life”.
Ah up until now I was still a virgin and after watching others perform the act I was super eager to do it myself!
I discovered a site called Reddit NoFap. My god that was such a revelation for me. Finally I knew why I have been feeling like shit almost all my life! Soon with the desire to have sex myself and to have a better life, I set up my first day counter. I failed 2 days after, Hahaha. Big news son, you’re addicted to porn!
But with my new vision in my mind there was no turning back, really I didn’t even need to think about it there was no other way so I just burned the boats behind. It was suffering towards a better life or suffering towards a worse one.
As Christmas time came near I started to reach 7 days. My god! I felt super anxious, my body was just overloaded with feelings I kept myself numbed from for such a long time. I had 0 emotional intelligence. I was starting to Feel feelings the hard way.
After Christmas, towards spring, I discovered more ways to help me on breaking free from porn. I read a lot of success stories feeling jealous and admiration towards their lives. I discovered and started meditation. Soon in early spring I’d get to my first 30 days free. But I always failed because I couldn’t sleep out of horniness. Around that time I started watching videos on YouTube on social dynamics and how to seduce women. Hahaha I still remember awkwardly staring into girls eyes for as long as I could. I began to feel more energized.
My meditation began to improve slightly. I stopped gaming (gradually). I discovered that porn was not my biggest problem. It was just the way to numb myself from all the pain I felt. Bad social life, bad relationship to myself, no energy no purpose.
At the end of Spring I reached 60 day streak! But failed again after a restless night… I stopped reading success stories on reddit. It was time to write my own, I’ll have to write it in the language of life!
I still hadn’t pulled the courage to talk to a girl.
Then at a poker party at my friend’s house, I met a girl, she was an exchange student. All things I learned from social dynamics came down to this moment. I whispered in her ears explaining her the poker game. I was shitting myself. I asked her out on a date. She said “…..Yeas!” She was super excited.
After our first date we kissed. In the summer, 2015, we fell in love. Romantic Love for the first filled my body! It’s cool to say and true. I never watched porn since the day I met her. The love was so much more powerful then my desire to watch porn.
That’s now more than 3 years ago.
I spend 2 years in a relationship with her; as much as I loved her I still didn’t know how to love myself so I became dependent on her loving me. We decided to split up and I started loving myself. This has swept me of my feet and made me listen to my heart and follow my dreams.
I spend 1 year as an exchange student in the country of my ex-girlfriend, I hitchhiked all around Iceland, I started helping other people overcoming porn, I gave a speech about my former porn addiction in front of my High school peers. I traveled 4 months in China, Turkey and did volunteer work in the favelas of Brazil. I healed a big part of myself, in sex, relationships and manhood. I had the most amazing sex of my life (thank you Brazil). I co-created the most amazing and strong relationships with men and women whom I love. Love flows thru me. I have become love.
So here is to you, my reader, who give meaning to the words I have just written down. I’m but the reflection of what is possible for you! Maybe it’s time to write your own story!
Thank you so much for reading my story, this is very special to me. I bless you all.
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