Who I am: A 28 year old regular guy. Started PMO when I was about 18. Feel free to read my story. I realize that this is a long post and I’m mostly posting this for personal reasons, to finally get it off my chest. Maybe someone out there can relate.
Before: On average I fapped about once a day. I didn’t think this was excessive by any means, in fact I thought it was normal. I wasn’t into weird fetishes or anything, but the porn had gradually become more intense and aggressive over the years. Unable to recognize it, I had developed several reoccurring anxieties. First and foremost when I was about 20 years old I started to have HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder). This was extremely weird for me because I had been into girls my entire life. I can remember chasing and getting my first kiss from girls when I was about 5 or 6 years old. The HOCD rocked me to my core and I developed anxiety over it fairly quickly.
A couple years passed and I was still PMO’ing every day. At this point I was 23 years old and I met and became serious with a beautiful girl that I had met at the gym. After about a year of dating we got engaged to be married. We were crazy about each other and in love. Although things seemed to be going great we had some issues that quickly developed. I wasn’t giving her enough attention. I constantly fantasized about other women. I was bartending at the time and had girls throwing themselves at me every day. I found myself wanting to PMO rather than have sex with my beautiful fiancé. Eventually it got to the point where she was so unhappy that she broke up with me, gave me back the ring, and moved out. I was beyond crushed. I cannot put into words what I went through mentally after this.
I fell into a PMO marathon of sorts. Depressed, anxious, and although I fantasized about women CONSTANTLY the HOCD began to get worse and worse. At this point I had no idea what the porn was doing to my brain. I was unable to connect the dots with porn and the HOCD. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I knew I wasn’t gay but I couldn’t get the compulsive obsession out of my head. Along with this I developed a severe depression that I hid from everyone because I was so embarrassed about the HOCD. Suicide crossed my mind on a regular basis. I thought I was the only guy in the world going through this.
On the bright side, although I was going through mental torture I was still able to pursue my career and I landed a great job. However, the PMO and the anxiety was still there every day. The anxiety was starting to get worse and wasn’t just related to HOCD. I had become anxious with many different aspects of my life. A couple more years pass by. I’m still single and still fantasizing and chasing girls around, dipping my toes into the pickup community. I become obsessed with chatting up and meeting new girls. My friends and family notice a huge change in me and my personality. All the while the HOCD is almost at a mind-crippling point.
This was a weird dynamic that is really hard to explain. I wanted and fantasized about girls on a constant basis, but at the same time, the HOCD had me on the brink of suicide. I’m unable to form any attachment to the women I date. I changed the girls in my life faster than I changed my socks. I needed constant novelty. I broke a lot of hearts during this period in my life. As soon as I’d sleep with a girl I would want nothing to do with them. I hated this. All I wanted to do was to find the woman of my dreams. To make matters worse, my ex-fiance had met and got engaged to be married to another guy. The only thing that remained constant in my life was the fact that I still PMO’ed every day. Nothing weird or crazy, just once a day. I began to become extremely needy with women as well. My entire self-worth was dependent on what the girls thought of me. I had turned into a PMO fueled monster without realizing it.
Then one day I was browsing /r/askreddit, and a question that someone posted caught my attention. This guy asked “Why do I constantly objectify women?” I often asked myself the exact same question so I clicked on the link. I read a few negative responses, and then I noticed a guy posted a link to /r/nofap, and explained that he had been fap free for 7 days. I went to the link and discovered this community. I read everything there was to read on ybop.com. At one point I started crying because I realized my prayers had been answered and I realized what was at the root of my issues. Porn. And I had no idea. I immediately swore off porn and began my nofap challenge.
After: 90 days later here I am. I can honestly say giving up porn was the best decision I’ve ever made. Shortly after starting my journey I met a girl, and things are going amazing. We’re seeing each other exclusively now and I have no desire to move onto something else. I still fantasize some, but those thoughts are easily controlled now. And for the first time in years I can feel a healthy attachment being formed. We’ve only been dating for a couple months now, but I honestly feel like I may have met the woman I’m going to marry.
The HOCD is almost completely gone, albeit a few spikes here and there. I’m no longer anxious or depressed. I cannot describe the difference in happiness. It feels like a 1000lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m motivated and kicking ass in the gym and started eating healthy again. My boss has never been happier with my performance. Life seems bright and happy again and I hope to continue my nofap journey for the rest of my life.
Were all of my problems porn related? I don’t know. All I know is how I feel now, compared to 90 days ago. And it’s a night and day difference. It wasn’t easy. Early on, the urges were intense and I almost relapsed a number of times. It took a lot of willpower to stay clean. This community helped me the most and you guys always had my back.
This is my story. If you have read this far, thank you. I mean that sincerely. Cheers.
LINK – My 90 day experience: Before and After
UPDATE
1 year ago today I started my nofap journey. My thoughts.
I honestly can’t believe I made it. I finally have the little rocket next to my name! I’m not really sure what to say. I’ll just pour some of my thoughts out on what my life has been like since giving up PMO.
Initially, after completing the first 90 days I wrote a post that received a lot of positive feedback. For everyone who commented in that post, you gave me the motivation I needed to finish the year out strong. Thanks fellas. Here’s a link for anyone interested…
http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1wwd54/my_90_day_experience_before_and_after/
I can honestly say that I just lived the best year of my life. Nofap has changed my life. There’s been a lot of ups and downs. And a lot of times where I was close to relapsing. Your brain has an incredible ability to justify anything it wants, despite how terrible it is for you. I had many battles and close calls. In the end though, I didn’t relapse and was able to finish the year on my first try. I’ve decided to break the benefits of nofap down into different categories. I feel like this will be the easiest way to show you guys how it has affected me.
First, the HOCD/anxiety. For anyone wondering what the hell I’m talking about go ahead and read my first post, where I explain what it’s like to experience that shit. Extremely terrifying is putting it mildly. This was easily the biggest challenge that I was facing when I started. For those of you not familiar, HOCD stands for Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or, it’s also known as Primarily Obsessive OCD. Essentially it’s an irrational obsessive fear that presents as unwanted intrusive thoughts that you cannot control. In my case, it was a fear that I was gay. I know, I know, go ahead and say it. “This guy is in the closet!” I’ve heard it all before. The thing is is I’m not the only one to experience this. YBOP has a lot of info on the subject. Normally, you could equate this to someone simply being “in the closet,” which would be fine if I was actually gay. This is extremely terrifying for someone who is straight and has loved women their whole life. I was terrified that I was going to lose something that I cherished and loved. Relationships with women.
Since giving up PMO, the HOCD is essentially gone. That’s right. Eliminating the porn consumption has allowed me to get a handle on the OCD. I also sought help from a therapist who helped me in finding the proper techniques to beating the OCD. Most importantly, the ability to stop the “checking” that comes with OCD. It’s as if a thousand pounds has been lifted from my shoulders. I’ll never forget the night I discovered nofap. I broke down in tears, realizing that porn was likely at the root of my issues. I was unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Unable to be aroused by normal, beautiful women in front of me. Porn had twisted and contorted my view of sex to the point where normal girls did almost nothing for me. Thus, leading to more anxiety about the HOCD, creating a viscous cycle. They had become objects instead of people. I needed more. Fake boobs, perfect bodies, multiple partners. All of it fake, unrealistic bullshit. Regular sex wasn’t enough anymore. If anyone can relate to me and needs someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message. I’d be more than happy to listen. Being free from the OCD has led to a happiness that I had all but forgotten about.
Second, motivation and focus. I can’t really describe it. I’ve never been more motivated in my entire life. I’ve taken my fitness to a new level. Before, I had trouble staying consistent in the gym and staying on my nutrition program. Simply put, I just completed a 12 week cut and now I’m starting a bulk program. It isn’t easy but my motivation hasn’t wavered. I’m so happy with where I am physically and I’m excited to see where I can take it. For anyone wanting to know what program I used, check out /r/leangains. The guys over there are great.
Third, Relationships. This might be the most drastic change that I’ve made and probably the one that I’m the most thankful for. Shortly after starting nofap I met a beautiful and smart woman who was way out of my league. Beautiful, motivated, smart, and fucking hilarious. All the things that I was looking for. I wrote about her briefly in my first post. We’re still together and things are still going great. We’re coming up on a year now. She knows everything about me and my nofap journey and has been unbelievably supportive through all of this. But I’ll say this. If I hadn’t started nofap, she probably would just be a distant memory by now. Like I said earlier, I was unable to hold a healthy relationship. Girls had become objects. I was into pickup and was going through girls like crazy. Of course, I thought I liked them initially, but after sleeping with them, I would instantly lose interest. I was craving the novelty. I had been called just about every name in the book, and frankly, I deserved it.
We’ve been dating for a while now and I honestly think that I will end up marrying her one day. If I’m lucky. Within the last year we’ve had a blast, even going on a trip to Hawaii. If it wasn’t for nofap I never would have been able to settle down and appreciate her and everything she can offer someone. I’m unbelievably lucky and thankful.
I’m sure there’s a lot more I could add but this is what I’ve thought of off the top of my head. My advice to anyone who is thinking about trying nofap. Just do it man. Seriously. At least try it. What hurt could it do? It has changed my outlook forever and I hope to continue my nofap journey for the rest of my life.
Thanks for reading. Cheers.
Kenny
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