Age 37 – ED, anxiety, low drive

11-14-2012

My story is similar to many others on here. Where do I begin?

I’m 37 years old, I’ve been M since my early teens. I began using my imagination, then moved to magazines, then vhs tapes, then DVD’s, and last and certainly not least, high speed internet. For years now I’ve been viewing porn on a daily basis, sometimes for long periods of time. I never really thought that viewing something could be considered an addiction and have such serious effects on life outside of the action itself. Had I know then what I now know I would have taken action long ago.

My years of PMO have had terrible consequences on my interactions, or lack there of, with women. I always told myself that I was just shy, or wouldn’t settle for anyone. The REAL problem was never with them, it’s been me all along. My last few sexual encounters were usually more stressful than fun. I have some ED issues and until just recently couldn’t pinpoint the cause. I’m sure anyone who’s had this experience knows what a painful mind game it creates. My fear wasn’t meeting women, or talking to them, it was fear of not being able to perform and trying to explain it. This fear, up until now, has left me alone and lonely. Frequent PMO has also killed what little drive I would have had to meet anyone in the first place.

I’m a good looking man, I work out frequently, I’m not anit-social, and I’m actually pretty likable. People always ask me why I’m alone and it’s become an uncomfortable question for which I never had a good answer, even for myself. Then I came across a thread from another website where people were discussing the benefits of no PMO. My initial reaction was pure doubt. I thought the claims people were making seemed “exaggerated” to say the least. However, my disbelief didn’t mean I was right. I’m old enough to know, I can be wrong and from time to time, it’s the case. This took place 28 days ago. Up to that moment I would not have considered myself a porn addict or drawn any parallels between my ED/intimacy issues. Since I didn’t think I was addicted to PMO I figured I’d stop for 30 days and see what happens. After all, I had absolutely nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain. To help assure my success I took some precautionary measures. I deleted all my saved porn clips and threw out a few old videos. The first week was really easy, I had a bit more energy and felt good knowing I was trying to do something positive.

At the end of the second week I truly realized for the first time, I was indeed addicted to porn. Not M was easy, not looking at porn was getting more difficult. On day 14 I was watching TV, my computer in front of me. I wanted SOOO bad to open up some of the sites. I deleted the scenes, but I knew I’d have no difficulty finding them. I began an internal conversation, or I should say, rationalization. I told myself I’d pick a favorite scene, watch for a short period of time, then MO. This went on for several minutes, in the end the good me won, lol. I decided against it and focused my energy elsewhere. That was my closest call. Since then I have noticed some real changes taking place. I’m in the flatline phase for the most part. Since I stopped PMO my penis literally died in it’s tracks, which of course was unpleasant. Just recently I’ve been getting some morning wood, which was rare while engaging in daily PMO. It’s not fully back but it’s creeping back to life.

I have not had any sporadic erections however during the day, nor have I had any wetdreams. My mood has been better overall. I’m more sociable with people at work, I feel good in my own skin, and I want to be closer to those around me. I feel I carry myself differently. My mind is clearer, I feel like I was under some sort of spell for so long that I accepted it as normal. I’m more productive lately. I used to put things off to the last minute, then stress that I waited to the last minute. I think I spend my time more productively. My apartment has NEVER been cleaner. I feel different and I can tell that others see me differently. As far as meeting a real flesh and blood women, I know I will. My feelings of awkwardness and fear are being replaced with confidence and excitement.

It hasn’t been all ups or course, but I know I’m going in the right direction. Entering the thread I mentioned earlier led me to yourbrainonporn which led me here. Once I started reading I couldn’t stop. This was a major eye opener for me. Finding this was such a major relief, to finally have answers to the questions I never knew to ask. I’m really grateful that I found this site, and for all of us who have a place to share our stories and improve our lives. I used to think I’d always be the way I was, that’d I’d just have to accept things and deal with them in my own private way. Now I know, I have a problem, and the great news is…when you think about it…it’s not all that difficult to correct. I’m all over the map here, my original goal was 30 days…I’m now in for the full 90. That’s all I have to say about that…..

1-16-2012

Well I haven’t really posted much as of late, but I still like to lurk.

I’m now on round 2 of my reboot. I just hit 45 days today….surpassing my first attempt of 44 days.

I can’t wait to reach my goal of 90 , but I’ll make sure I keep my focus on the present moment.

My mood has been good overall, but the insane energy I had the first few weeks has passed.

I feel more confident in just about all situations. I haven’t had any wet dreams, and don’t think I will.

I have some leakage here and there usually after I urinate. This seems to bother some posters but I don’t mind it.

I figure it’s my bodies way of doing what it needs to do.

My progress in the gym has been great. My energy level has been unusually high. I even started doing cardio which I don’t really care for.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really put myself in situations to meet new women, but I’m about to get on that.

Now the holidays are over and things are much less crazy in my life.

My libido still seems pretty dead. I’m a bit surprised and a little disappointed about this. 45 days seems like a long time.

I’m in my upper 30’s and haven’t really been around a lot of women as of late, maybe that combination is slowing things down a bit.

Earlier today I had a strong urge to PMO! For me this is REALLY uncommon.

Ironically, when I had my relapse the first time (day 44) the same thing happened. I didn’t have any urges, then all of sudden I had really strong ones.

Is is unusual to not have any urges, then suddenly have strong ones 6 weeks in?

Is it possible that maybe my libido is starting to resurface and since I used PMO to meet my needs in the past the desire to do so again is also resurfacing?

I don’t really know, and it really isn’t that important.

All that matters is that I control it, not the other way around.

I’m not a man of many words, so I guess that’s about it for now.

LINK – 10 13-2012