I wanted to post my story because many of the stories I read on the internet really helped motivate me and maybe something I write will help someone else. In fact without that inspiration I doubt I’d have been able to take my journey as far as I have.
A little about me.. I am from western Europe, I wont be any more specific than that. I’m now 48 years old. When I was in my early teens I remember being as horny as you can be however there was no porn to be had. I would use mail order catalogues with women wearing lingerie, newspapers with topless girls etc. If the internet had been about then I don’t think I could have resisted it.
I had a pretty normal life.. I was 19 before I lost my virginity but had great sex with lots of girls in my 20s and had a few long term relationships. This continued into my early 30s I suppose. I remember getting connected to the internet around 1998… it was dial up but at the time my main reason for going online was to view porn. As soon as I could that’s what I started doing.. for hours and hours. At this time it was pictures only and the connection was so slow it took a long time to get anything but I was patient and got plenty.
Even back then I can remember thinking how lucky I was to be born in the era of the internet so I could access all this ‘wonderful’ material. I don’t know how long I spent on porn in those early days but it was plenty and it set a pattern of behaviours for me that I would follow for many years. My family and friends would ask me why my phone was engaged so much so I recall having a second phone line installed so I could access the internet without tying up my phone line and that was only so I could go online without people knowing about it.
Up until this time I don’t think what I was doing affected my ability to have an erection very much. I was in the beginnings of a relationship with a girl I’d eventually have a child with and I remember having great sex at the time. I think it was around 2004 when I first got high speed internet and this probably marked the beginning of me losing interest in sex and having ED. I became much more interested in masturbating to porn than having sex. It was no longer just pictures but full length movies. I became secretive in my relationship, deleting history, hiding files, making up excuses not to do things so I could look at porn. I couldn’t wait until my partner would leave the house so I could start ‘enjoying’ porn. Our sex life gradually diminished because I was no longer interested in it.
I got into stuff I previously didn’t know existed and my tastes became more and more extreme. I remember my partner explaining my lack of interest in sex as laziness. I’d managed to hide what I was doing well from her. Anyway needless to say the relationship ended when I was about 41.
After that I became more and more engrossed in porn when I didn’t have to sneak about looking at it. I spent so long on it and at the time I knew it was eating my time and stealing my life from me but I couldn’t stop. I had several relationships after this and of course each time I was suffering ED to different degrees. Not all the time but a lot of the time. Enough to make me very nervous about having sex. I just got to the stage I dreaded having sex. I could appreciate and was attracted to the beauty of the women I was with but I just couldn’t get it up often enough.
I’m not sure when I first considered that this was caused by porn however I think it was about 3 years ago. I was in a relationship with a lovely girl.. she was very understanding about my ‘problem’. I tried giving up porn for a few days expecting that I would see some immediate improvements however it didn’t work so I very quickly went back to my old ways. That relationship ended soon after. I remember thinking I just wasn’t sexually attracted to the women I was with.
Like a lot of people say I was getting into more and more extreme types of porn and presumably more and more desensitised to normal sexual stimuli. For me the part of your brain that attracts you to women wasn’t affected by porn and I soon got into another relationship. It started great with her, the sex was mostly good and then of course it went bad after a fairly short period of time. The difference between this lady and others I’d been with was she was not happy about my problem and let me know.
She explained to me in quite a lot of detail how it made her feel whenever I couldn’t perform. It was the first time I’d really thought about the effect of my condition on others.. she found it devastating and interpreted it as me not being attracted to her. I started thinking about all the other women I’d done this on only they hadn’t said anything to me. I’m still with her however we have split up several times and always because of my ED. That sounds tough but it was the kick in the ass I needed to make a serious effort at sorting myself out.
The last time we split up was earlier this year. We had been on a holiday together and of course I was plagued with ED. We decided to split up soon after. I was gutted about that and started reading everything I could about ED. The medical sites said a healthy guy like me shouldn’t have any problems with ED until well into old age however I had problem since my mid 30s. It didn’t take me long to find the YBOP and Reddit sites on PMO.
Around the start of April I gave up PMO. I only lasted about 10 days. I found it so hard to begin with I decided the only way I could do this was to masturbate without using any porn. It sounds like a good idea but this was the start of a steep slippery slope of getting back to using porn again. It was impossible for me to get hard without thinking about some porn scenario and as I found out this was almost as bad as looking at it first hand. In a month or two I was fully back to my old bad habits. Personally I don’t think it is possible to fully recover this way or it will be much slower at least.
My second attempt was much more successful. In fact I’m on day 80 of it at the moment. I went 33 days before I had a chance reunion with my partner.. the sex was amazing so of course I though I was cured. We met up a week or so later however I had a few problems with ED but after a little patience it started to work properly for me but wasn’t as good as on day 33. It was two steps forward one step back.
For me since day 60ish I’ve been able to perform fairly consistently. (that’s just 20 days so I have learned not jump to conclusions) . I’m back with my partner now and we have been having sex regularly and it’s been just amazing. I haven’t masturbated and as I said I did 33 days ‘hard mode’. The most I’ve gone since then is maybe 10 days. More recently I’ve noticed a massive difference. We have been having sex three or four times a night and it’s been amazing. Not only the amount of times I can have sex, also the quality of my erections in terms of hardness and staying power. I’m not saying I’m completely cured but I think I’m well on my way. I have decided not to masturbate at all while I’m in a relationship.
I want to say a little about life without PMO. I kept a daily log which was something that really helped me, especially in the beginning. The first week was a little easier than I expected however that’s only because I was prepared and believed it would be unbearable. It’s important to mentally prepare yourself for the journey, steel yourself for the challenge as it were. Having said that I took one day at a time and took great satisfaction from every milestone eg first week, 10 days, 14 days etc. After about 8 days I was feeling extremely horny but I was determined to see it through.
One of the things a lot of people mention is the increased energy they have. It was the same for me. I also had a lot more time as I wasn’t sitting wanking in front of a computer screen. I spent a lot of time walking.. lucky for me there are lots of lovely places to go where I live so I tried to spend my ‘new’ time hiking, walking etc. After the first 10 days I had intermittent erections often in the morning but then went into the flatline. It’s good in a way because it makes it easy to cope .. feeling horny all the time would mean more temptation so for anyone embarking on this journey, once the flat line starts it is a welcome assistance to your target. The other side of that coin is it can be a little concerning because while you’re in the middle of it you can have the worry it will never end.
I remember thinking “at least in the past I was able to have an erection sometimes albeit with the assistance of porn”. These are the little examples of doublespeak you can get into with yourself. But of course it will pass, you just need to take a leap of faith. And what do you have to lose? As I mentioned I had some success after 33 days but then a small setback. I don’t know if doing hard mode or soft mode is best. I planned to go hard mode however circumstances gave me the opportunity to have proper sex which I think was beneficial for me. I also think it’s good I don’t have sex on tap it’s usually about once a week however everyone should decide for themselves what suits best.
I read lots of experiences before I began where people were listed all the benefits of no fap. I must admit I was sceptical about these however I’ve really enjoyed the experience. I grew up in a world where we are encouraged to masturbate and I would never have believed there were any negatives about it. Since I’ve given up masturbating my overall mood has improved. I feel much more positive and happy inside. I sleep better. I used to moan all the time about my work and other things and I do that much less now. I’ve got more energy, do more gentle exercise. I now prefer to listen to music than talk radio or news and sport. I also get a reaction from looking at a pretty girl.. before no one could measure up to the porn models I was looking at.. this has only happened to me since about day 60.
These changes are not always immediate but they do happen fairly quickly after you stop (in my experience). You don’t undertake this journey for the added side benefits so my advice is just to go for it and hopefully they will happen to you too.
Generally it wasn’t hard for me to avoid porn.. however I did have lows as well and once or twice I looked at dating sites and personal adverts on Craigslist. I knew deep down what I was doing and that this was a back door to porn, a first step if you like. I think you need to prepare yourself for this. There is a part of your brain that wants to get you back on porn again.. the part of you that was addicted in the first place. It is constantly looking for an opportunity to get you back to your old ways.
Thankfully for me I was able to catch myself on quickly however it’s a lot easier just to avoid it in the first place. The internet is full of temptation even on a news site it’s common to scantily clad women… it’s best to prepare yourself mentally for these and avoid these backdoors to porn because it’s the equivalent of an alcoholic taking ‘just one drink’. One drink usually leads to another and pictures of women are the same. Thanks for reading and if you have any questions I’d be happy to answer.
LINK – 48 Years, life changed…
by relzzis
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