Age 50 – Husband, lifetime porn use

Day 18

I am very happy and somewhat surprised to find myself here. I have had a 40-plus year addiction to PMO. I have lived a double life, pretending that my “private” addiction really wasn’t that big a deal, after all other people are hooked on drugs, alcohol etc.

I got into soft core mags at a pretty young age, not very much direction from my single Dad, who drank lots. The fantasy world and my fantasy life created a bit of an escape from the reality, I was not thrilled with, as a teen. I kept busy with school work and sports especially high adrenalin sports, loved the adrenalin, I think I got lots of positive dopamine type rushes from track, football rugby and racing and this was pretty good. But, my secret kind of hung around, in spite of my marriage to a wonderful wife. My mid-life type deal was in effect when we finally got high-speed Internet and my ongoing problem just rocketed.

I only came to the realization that I wanted off this about 2 years ago, And this feeling really took 2 years to get me to the point where it had to be done. Trying to re-establish a balanced mind. Absolutely opposed to the bullS**t porn lie. It was my choice to pursue porn, it was my choice to waste time wanking to a lie, but it is now my choice to kick it to the curb.

About 2 years ago I had a startling moment, a small voice came to me in the early hours of a sleepless night and said “it’s ok, you can let it go”. As was often the case I had used PMO before bed that night. My PMO use had been building and causing anxiety and some depression. It was a gentle voice (I know that sounds weird) and it was encouraging.

I threw out a large movie collection, all adult hetero type porn. I even admitted to my wife of 29 years that I was addicted. I never thought I would be able to tell another soul so my admission was very surprising to myself. I later told a close friend, and my doctor. I went through a very rough patch for several weeks and had a few relapses. I felt better but still was very judgmental of my past and all the wasted time. We are in a rural area and finally got high-speed Internet. Very bad for my addiction. I went from looking at jpeg images to viewing movies on “free” sites. So, 2-3 months relatively off porn ended and things escalated.

Which brings me to now. 18 days of no porn viewing. Serious unhappiness with my self for being so weak and a complete commitment to get past this. Searching for some additional help this time has brought me to “yourbrainonporn”. It is wonderful to see that others are dealing with this and many are beating it. Very inspiring posts. Those that have relapsed often tell very helpful stories. We should not be afraid to fail, at least we are conscious and trying.

I had a bit of an epiphany 2 years ago and tried to drop my use of porn, had no expert help, or experience and went through extreme anxiety. A few months of “no porn” (threw out a huge movie collection) We got high-speed Internet for the first time, great for work but bad for my addiction I found porn movie sites and was back at it. I moved the primary computer into a more public part of the house, but found I would just wait until my family had gone to bed for my fix.

I have a very loving wife and thirteen year old son. I have often felt shame and disgust at my “double life” These feelings have lead me back to anxiety and depression.

I “quit” porn 17 days ago. I was very depressed and saw my family doctor she prescribed a low-dose 5mg cipralex. I have always been anti-med, i don’t drink or smoke, my Father was alcoholic. I am trying the med and think it is helping.

I have had two MO experiences (while in the shower) but so far no porn in 17 days. I have had 2 orgasms having relations with my wife over this period so 4 orgasms total in the 17 days. I feel no desire to view porn but realize it can sneak up on a person. I am considering going for a complete re-boot no O of any kind. It seems beneficial to many here at this site.

Day 21

I am starting to forgive myself for my behaviour over the years but I still feel a lot of shame and guilt. My wife has forgiven me and I have spoken to my minister, who re-assured me that I was making big steps and should feel no guilt, the past is past. I do have moments when I do forgive myself but then guilt kind of creeps back.

Out for dinner with my wife and son last night as guests of an old friend, she is going through some pain from a divorce after about 30 years marriage, I really feel empathy for her, she still has some love for her partner but they agree it must happen. I would have been pretty sympathetic before but not to the degree I feel now. I see much more pain and it really hits me.

I can not watch the news, it is too raw, right now my emotions run away when I watch news or any edgy type TV. Maybe I have a hormonal change going on? LOL. I think avoiding the news trap, so negative won’t hurt for a while, looking for positive energy.

Day 23

Good sleep last night in bed by 11:00 and awake at about 6:30, I did have an O with my wife so I am monitoring how I feel today and for the next few days, but right now pretty good. I found after our lovemaking I spent a long time in very close contact with her. In fact I crave just holding hands and hugging and any physical contact with my wife is amazing.

If I understand correctly what I have been reading here the close contact, hugging produces oxytocin which helps counter the brains crying for the big dopamine hits? The bonding is so special. It only took me 29 years to figure this out…dense or what?

Day 24

Kind of down, had very little sleep last night and my family are all out today, this is a big test. I am alone for about 6 hours working and using the computer. Although I have gone 24 days without viewing P, this is the kind of situation that would have triggered my use before.

Day 25

The uneasy feelings of yesterday passed and the late afternoon/evening were much better than the near-crisis I felt mid-morning. Thanks to all of you here who really helped me through a very uncomfortable spell. I think the broken sleep at 3:00am really affected me. I am strongly concerned that I was experiencing a chaser-effect from a nice time with my beautiful wife on Sunday night.

I have talked with MrsFCJL8 about the information here and on YBOP about chaser-effect. I might have to abstain from O’s with the Mrs for a while just to observe my moods. Obviously a big part of my motivation for giving up PM after all these years is how much I want to improve my relationship with my wife, I value all 29 years of our marriage(married very young) I love her very much, even more than when we were young. I really love just lying in bed next to her, her voice , her touch, bonding. I used to have a much more 1 or 2 dimensional relationship with her. I think while using PM I was missing several dimensions of my life?

Going for a walk/run … more walk than run to be honest… LOL. will look forward to push-ups (arms getting really buff) and sit-ups with my son later, sit-ups are a bit slow and painful, good pain though!

Day 28

Good 28 days since quitting PM, cold turkey. Halloween will be 30 days, can’t believe it has been so quick. When I started this I had no goal/target number of days, I had never thought about how long? About 6 days in I found this site and wonderful group of people. Thanks all.

Yesterday (day 27) 5:00am awoke with spontaneous, good old fashioned wood. laughed at it, and fell back to sleep. This was a fresh experience , no dream , no fantasy , no P, just maybe a balancing mind? i think so… many of you have posted similar happenings about 20-30 days in re-boot.

Enjoying being with and near my wife more than I ever remember. We walked through the parking lot at the mall holding hands this afternoon, can’t remember the last time we walked holding hands. Everyone say “aawwww”. LOL . Enjoy her touch, smell and voice her touch beside me in bed at night is wonderful, and this is a 29 year marriage. In fact enjoying all people more. Still laying low on any O’s with my lovely wife, since last Sunday so about 7 days ago. I did not have chaser-effect so much as I desired PM, but felt a bit off about 2-3 days later just lonely, sad.

I am feeling more than ever that PM is in my past , never will be part of my life again. I laugh at some of the PM references on TV shows, used to be too sensitive to laugh at the cultural “normallizing” of my bad habit, my secret.

Day 30

It has not been easy, all the withdrawal symptoms, others have expressed here I have felt and still have but to a much lesser degree. I must thank all of you who I have “leaned on” when things were rough. I never in the 30 days have had the desire to search for porn or view it. I have not installed blocker software. My issues have been more mood and emotional re-setting than desire to pursue P.

I would like to share my positive experiences:

My confidence has picked-up noticeably, I am speaking with people, and introducing myself in social settings. I have begun singing well and louder at church, used to just barely croak out some weak voice. I found myself dancing with my wife last night to some music my son had brought up on the PC. I never dance , always too self-conscious, it was great. I will take her dancing soon. Starting to feel better about my work as well. From a physical standpoint this morning was my Second spontaneous morning erection in the last 4 mornings. Each time I wake up and notice these I kind of gently laugh roll over and continue sleeping. Good feeling. I am more aware of grooming myself better and more conscious of dressing better when going out. I wasn’t a slob before but often did not take my appearance very seriously. I like myself in the mirror more, although I am no Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Oh , I like hugging people when greeting friends, never used to besides my wife and son.

Day 32

I am at 32 days not viewing P or M. This is definitely the longest period I can remember going porn free. Also no fantasy is allowed I use the RedX when ever one starts to pop-up.

I would be lying if I said it is all going well. Although, I have totally committed to never watching P again, and I never will, my mood is very disturbing at times. I have noticed many positive benefits, I outlined many of them in my day 30 post, but the depressed mood also swings back and forth, not good.

I awoke from a bad dream Monday night, it had been a brief flash of a random scene , porno style, I was not participating just a quick viewing. I was very disturbed by it and made it stop right away. I did have an erection it went away quickly. Tried to go back to sleep. This has never happened before during the re-boot, did not like it. Why did this happen, when I am so positive about my quitting PM???

Had been very positive on day 30 not so great now. I had an O with my wife Sat night and wonder if all this is related to that. I had gone 7 days without an O and think we must lay off the O’s for a longer period?

Very confused this morning. Thought I was cruising through, but maybe just fooling myself. No one said this was easy.

The last couple of O’s I had with my wife produced severe hangover type mood swings. Very good mood the next day followed by 2-3 days of downer. I find i enjoy lots of hugging, hand holding, snuggle type contact. The stuff chicks dig.

Day 36

Nice naked cuddle with my wife before breakfast! Bit of early running around on my wife’s behalf and wound up at the farmer’s market in one of the next towns over. Wow..wonderful fresh DimSum dumplings all nice and hot…you don’t expect those at a country market out in hicksville.

Working on a couple of carpentry type projects this afternoon around the house. Good to keep busy. Super good to be busy, highly recommend the busyness! Now on the no PM for 36 days front, what was that stupid crap I used to search for and spend long hours watching…oh yeah …stupid crap!!!

Major erection every morning now! Very impressed I am. Quite a bit of good old fashioned horniness during parts of the day. Starting to check out attractive ladies but in a subtle good way, not as sex objects. I don’t mind the horny feelings and feel in control of it, it will not lead to anything unless I choose. My libido is not running me, my dopamine craving mind will just have to wait until I say it is okay and that will be more of the good physical stuff with my lovely wife.

Getting morning wood every morning now! At age 50, and I thought I had no ED, this regular morning wood had stopped years ago I just didn’t notice. No multiple trips to pee at night either, sleeping is getting good.

Still going to go easy on the O’s with my wife. Loving the touch, the hugs , the kisses, the hand holding, the innocent spooning, all the “mushy” bonding stuff. So lucky to have had a beautiful cuddle bunny for 29 years!

Talking to people freely when out and about , very friendly sociable type stuff, not my old somewhat introverted type “tough guy” b.s. attitude.

Day 38

I once went to Montreal with my wife and her sister for a post Christmas shopping trip. We shared a 2 double bed room. This was about 16 years ago, before my son. After about 2 nights, I was in bed with my wife my sis-in-law in the other bed, we watched TV, the girls fell asleep. I waited and put on the pay-per-view porn movie and … well you know. I ran down to the desk the next morning to “get the paper” just so I could pay for the movie so it would not show up on the hotel bill. Man, I couldn’t even wait a few days to get home. And now, 5.4826 weeks no porn. I had not thought of that trip for years but all kinds of “I did what…!!!!” type memories are cropping up. Not sure what any of this means but I don’t ever want to be so controlled by an ,almost unconscious, force again. It was funny though…now. Or pathetic…or pathetically funny???

My confession. I started this journey to be free of PM with the guidance and support of God. God has stood fast by my side as I have progressed through the past 37 days. I know this may not sit well with some people here, but I want to be honest. I don’t expect that this should or will be part of everyone’s life or motivation, but it has helped me. A friend here, kind of cautioned me, to maybe not go on about this. Don’t worry I will not preach at people, that is not my thing. I just wanted to say that I am also relying on my Faith to help me make this life changing choice. It has still been my free-choice to quit PM I just asked God to help me. God did not push me to this.

Day 39

39 days into my recovery from an almost “lifetime” of PM and still learning each day.

I had a wonderful orgasm on last Saturday evening with my wife. I had avoided any O’s for 9 days, as I was experimenting with any “chaser/hangover” type issues.

I am not focused on orgasms for the first time in my life , I cherish the hugging, and physical bonding that I am enjoying with my wife. Why did I not appreciate that as much until starting this? Fool. I sometimes went 3-4 weeks without hugging my beautiful lady. The orgasm I enjoyed Saturday seemed to be the first one not to produce some bad after effects. I did not experience more depression, hopelessness or craving. I have not “craved” porn since starting this, maybe I am just lucky, or benefit from my strong conviction to beat this.

Still getting morning erections , most mornings. This is at age 50, so that is a good sign.

Day 48

Enjoyed an unplanned “karezza” session with my wife this morning she enjoyed an O , in spite of my full, hard erection we were interrupted (son woke up) and I did not even care that I did not O. It was such a wonderful feeling. Before, I would have been grumpy and sought porn at the first chance.

It’s kind of funny, there we were Saturday morning , my wife and me, making slow love, nice lots of shifting positions and hugging. My wife enjoyed an O from gentle penetration and pubic rubbing, me enjoying a hard erection. And… our son woke up and ran down the hall to the bathroom. We had been very quiet.

In the past I would have been very frustrated, at not having “my orgasm”. i would have looked for an opportunity to PM all day. And would have expected “my turn” Saturday night even if I had PM during the day.

This experience, was wonderful. I felt proud and hard and horny and loving every second of our intimacy and not worried about an orgasm in the least. Of course I would have enjoyed one but it was not the sole purpose of our time together. And NO CHASER/HANGOVER, although I did not have any after my last O either.

I have kept thinking about it and am truly amazed how I never thought lovemaking without an orgasm could be possible never mind so great!

Every day  that passes without pornography in my life is a wonderful gift. I am not even beating myself up for all the time it took to finally get my resolve to quit that horrible addiction. I am just glad to be here now , recovering from many many years of doing something I really despised.

It does get easier because you begin to get much more aware of all the triggers even the subtle ones. I must have always known what drove me to PM I just did not want to own the knowledge and use it.

Mood is getting much more even and positive. Resolve to remain porn free for life is stronger each and every day. Attitude towards everything and everybody better than I ever remember.

Looking to make positive changes in other areas of my life as my porn/masturbation habit fades, will always remain vigilant against triggers(temptations). Starting to become more comfortable with the sexuality displayed on mainstream TV shows and media. Still avoiding news ,as much as possible and that is making me feel better.

Even, handling daily stresses and challenges better.

Loving the physical/bonding with my wife more and more.

Looking forward to hitting 60 days and then triple digits.

Day 50

Would I , honestly, like to view porn movies. NO, not one bit. Too many good things happening in real life. Enjoying time with my wife and son, not that I wasn’t with them, but a part of me was always craving or thinking about the next time I got my PM fix. Especially if stressed or agitated. It was my drug of choice. I know people who smoke for calmness, drink scotch, smoke pot, whatever…I had my drug. It seemed organic and harmless but I knew that was a lie. We all gain true freedom when we gain the strength and courage to face what we know we must do.

Day 58

My day 58 of no porn or masturbation. No desire to view porn, quite randy at times, my wife and I have not had an encounter for about 10days and I feel very much looking forward to some lovemaking whether karezza or not.

I declared myself fully cured, but have still been wondering about that. Although I will never view pornography again, I am wondering about my overall sexual picture. I am not always “in-sync” with my wonderful wife, and often am aroused or horny at times that don’t work for her. At some point, does this mean that I will want to masturbate for simple relief??? Will simple, non-graphic masturbation lead to fantasy and then fantasy to the desire for more graphic? I will not look at porn, ever. So will this just lead to frustration?

This is why I am trying to move my sexual energy to other areas. Not sure if this is possible??? Porn will never again be part of my life but healthy sexuality, what is that for most people?

Day 61

Happy to report no chaser whatsoever after the wonderful orgasm with my wife yesterday morning! Will stay watchful for any chaser but I don’t expect one. Slept great last night and feel alert and positive. And in Love , trying to focus on the word Love.

Day 62

Yesterday mornings good feelings, filled with Love, did not last. By noon I was lonely and very depressed, not due to my recovery, I think. Just getting occasional depression, and not always coping well with it.

My depression and negative feelings had been building while my porn use was getting out of control during the summer. I feel so great to be away from my lifelong porn habit but still get residual depression and anxiety.

The pendulum swings and so be it. I think many people I know go through this even those who have not suffered an addiction.

Day 64

Up early yesterday morning a nice 10 min. semi naked hugging and feeling session with my wife, we did not have time for anything else, no problem. While in the big city at the restaurant I saw lots of very attractive women, but I just appreciate their beauty, there is no “lusting” like I honestly used to. This is one of the best parts of my recovery. I enjoy women but see a whole complete wonderful person. I always respected women but still had a part thinking …oh yeah she would look good______fill in the blank.

Day 66

I have enjoyed two O’s with my wife in the last 2 days, one Sunday evening and one yesterday morning. That makes 3 O’s in the last 5 days all with my wife, of course. These were very nice and I was still very hard after each one and could have gone several more times, very large volume of ejaculate each time. It did not bother me a bit to stop at one O each time. Good self-control.

I am staying vigilant watching for chaser/hangover and how it affects my mood. I know it never gives me the urge to look at porn, that is done! But, I must watch for mood/depression/anxiety type mood.

I would like to have more karezza experiences but we just have not got that going yet, except for 1 or 2 tries. Which were very good for me, my wife did O. She is not sure about karezza.

Day 68

Still no chaser from the last few oral orgasms I had maybe that is a thing of the past. No typical signs and quite positive and busy and productive. Mood seems fairly balanced and have enjoyed some lengthy conversations with friends that were very deep.

Day 72

Funny, just realized I am intimate with my wife far more now than any time during my heavy porn use! Gee, wonder why???

My big wish is to be able to help others who have problems with addictions. Even just through words of encouragement and using my own experience. I just learned of a couple in my small town. The wife is really distraught as they went to Mexico for two weeks, she toured and hit the beach alone and her husband stayed in the room, in the dark and watched porn for two weeks, apparently that is all he does now. I am not going to preach to anyone or interfere, but if opportunities to help come up and someone asks me, I will share my knowledge.

Day 75