I find sex so much more natural, more enjoyable. I feel more sexually sensitive, resensitised.

So, coming close to 200 days. Looking back, I can hardly believe the time has gone so fast. It was like the first 30 days were slow motion, and the rest a blur. So, I’m just checking in to round up some of the things that have come up for me, and some of the things I’ve learned.

I get waves, micro and macro, throughout the process. There might be whole weeks where I hardly crave orgasm at all, with maybe the odd urge here or there. Then, other weeks, usually if something difficult is happening, I get clusters of cravings. Maybe two or three a days for a couple of days on end. This is usually accompanied by lots of looking at women. This last bit, looking at women, I’m finding the most difficult part to move through.

I mean, it is of course natural and pleasant to look at attractive women. However, the sheer amount of time and energy I put into this, especially when craving, is ridiculous. I’ve posted on this before, but essentially it boils down to the question: what do I find so very important about the female body, that I have to clock every ass, every leg, every breast I see when I’m walking down the street. The answer is multifarious: escape, a high, the hope of someone’s affection, the desire to be desired, to craving to be loved.

So, here’s the truth: deep down, I struggle to love myself. So, I desperately seek someone to love me, in whatever way possible. It is a hungry, craving, desperate process.

The only thing that can end this process is me, is having compassion for myself, and finding a way to love and accept myself. A difficult task, to actually feel that, but using mindfulness and visualisation, I’m getting there.

The end result of this, of finding love for myself, and as a consequence, truly ending the desperate need for orgasm, sex, women and external romantic love, is power. I engage with my own power. I don’t need sex. I don’t need external validation. I don’t need women. I want these things, but I don’t need them.

That, my friends, is gold. Because when you don’t need orgasm, or porn, or sex, or even women, only then are you truly free to go out and get what you really want.

I’ve had massive issues with my relationship throughout the last 100 days of my quit. Quite literally, it’s been horrific. Still, I didn’t fap. I didn’t fuck other women. I didn’t even have sex with my girlfriend for the last two months until today, because I wasn’t prepared to have a relationship with her until she was prepared to make some changes that would better meet what I wanted in the relationship. Otherwise, I was out.

She changed. And now I have a better chance of really finding what I want with her. But, you know what? If I don’t, and we have to end it, I’m OK with that. Because I’m OK as I am.

Throughout the last 200-odd days, I come to learn that the following really help me get by:

• The Gym
• Meeting friends regularly. Like, at least twice a week. Ideally more often.
• Eating well, and cooking nice meals for myself.
• Grooming. Taking care of my image. Designing that beard just the way I want it.
• Chilling out. Playing video games.
• Sleep. As much as I need. Not too little. Not too much.
• Regularly cultivating compassion for myself. Like, as often as possible throughout the day.
• Being prepared to stand up for my dreams whenever necessary.
• Saying clearly what I want.
• Doing new stuff.

So, that’s it for now. It’s been rough, but I genuinely think this process has really helped me become who I want to be, and actually, in a rather profound way, this process has helped me stand up for, and better attain, many of the things I really, deeply want in my life.

TL; DR: Love yourself, and have an adventure!