I am a medical doctor myself, but I thought I’d focus on the sexuality side of things. I am a heterosexual man, 100%, always have been and always will be, just like I believe you to be.
The doctor you saw who made the comment about your sexuality either:
1. Came to that conclusion based on faulty reasoning
2. Had perfect reasoning but flawed information/assumptions
3. Both of the above
Either way his conclusion was not correct.
I too had a similar experience, although through the pressures of OCD I did it twice, 24 hours apart, with two different transsexual sex workers. I remember thinking on the way to my first transsexual that if time travel were ever invented and I was ever to travel back in time to stop myself from doing this, it would be now. so as I drove there I consciously made a note of the date and time exactly as I pulled up to my local ATM machine to withdraw cash. Not surprisingly there was no future version of myself waiting there to stop me, who would have supposedly remembered the date and time I burned into my brain moments earlier. Other than this trivial thought experiment I have been thinking a great deal about these experiences and drawn what I believe to be water-tight conclusions.
Through my years of addiction to pornography and continual daily PMOs, I developed an attraction to the extreme concept of something horrible happening to me. This is what fueled my sexual urges, whether it was a woman doing horrible things to me, an alien, a monster or whatever, what made me orgasm was this extreme concept, and it was dynamic/fluctuant. One week it’s be a woman destroying me with her feet, another it would be rape from a transsexual, and following that it could have been a female vampire castrating me. This is what years of pornography did to me, it made me only able to become aroused when I played whatever sick variety of extreme pictures and words in my head, that my mind was latched onto at the time. Even when I was with each of the transsexuals, nothing they did aroused me, I had to force myself to become aroused by thinking of what they were doing to me with some extreme connotation to it, only then was I able to be considered “turned-on”. After each experience I was wholly dissatisfied. This is also consistent with the level of dissatisfaction I have felt with all the extreme things I have done with the female prostitutes I have been with, yes I have been with many. During my most severe low-period, I was unable to be simply turned on by being near a naked woman (something I used to love more than anything, and now love again), I’d have to, again cook-up some extreme scenario in my mind alone, without the assistance of the sex worker in order to get aroused and orgasm. All the sex workers, the two transsexuals and the 20 or so females were merely “extras” on the extreme pornographic movie set my mind conjured up, staring me and some twisted version of reality I’d invent without connecting with the other person at all. I even found that with each of the sex workers I saw, I’d be switching between different activities every few minutes at a rate equal to that of how quickly I switch between watching porn videos at home.
This is in stark contrast to what happens to me if I avoid PMO and even MO. I have found, probably like many of you, that “abstinence” or quitting this terrible cycle of self abuse, without concentrating on strict avoidance of porn, but instead concentrating on living your life, after a certain period of time results in reversion to your old self. Seeing a curvy hot female walk past and getting a spontaneous erection from just a glance of her, feeling turned on when she sits next to you and touches you or when you get excited from a chance glimpse of her breast cleavage etc, naturally, without forcing a fantasy, without obsessing over specifics, is a lot of fun. Furthermore when you’re with a woman and you experience an actual connection with her, this is your sexuality, the exceptional awesome feeling you get when you’re intimate with her, this defines heterosexuality.
What I have experienced, and what I believe you to have experienced fits perfectly with the definition of an illness, that is, it is a process that interferes with normal functioning.
So what do you do about the constantly nagging negative thoughts in your head about the fact that you slept with a transsexual? Well if your situation is similar to mine; dump all your eggs in one basket with all the other porn-induced aberrant thoughts precipitated by the dopaminergic hyperactive loop that information overload has infected you with mentally. It will be lost to the past as an insignificant symptom of an illness that you used to suffer, but have now managed and cured with rebooting and rewiring (assuming you’ve gone through the process).
Now I can’t claim to know the details of any of the situations any of you have experienced in any more detail that you have described, but I from what I’ve read it sounds as though your situations all have one core parallel notion – that of being extreme, which is not specific to transsexuals, men or anyone of that variety. In other words I could go out on a limb and say, you’re all heterosexuals with an attraction to some general “extreme psychological entity”, invented by your brain due to self-abuse from too much porn. It has just triggered such discordance within your thinking because you’re straight and always having been implicitly proud of this fact, you dislike the idea that this “extreme psychological entity” like a random number generator has thrown out a temporary fake-fantasy that synchronizes with what the socially accepted norms consider being not-straight, that you acted out. I hope that makes sense.
So, if anything, this/these experience(s) have taught you that you’re straight, don’t really like transsexuals or men, did something because of confusion created by an illness caused by porn and can be therefore safely left in the past. So next time you look at yourself in the mirror, realize that the guy staring back at you is a heterosexual man who suffered an illness which made him understand a little more about psychopathology.
I hope I have helped.
Yours Sincerely
Dr P.J.D MD
BY DoctorMD
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