Hi guys,
Just wanted to post on this forum about what I have learnt on my journey. First things first, here is a video that I created which explains how things finally “clicked” for me after several years of difficulty abstaining from porn/ masturbation for long periods:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUK42k7FiDc
Secondly, I would like to describe where I have come from in my journey. This is important, because the realisations that I have come to relating to how to succeed at abstaining from porn/ masturbation for long periods have been largely drawn from these areas too. So, as well as pursing the “no fap” route to self-development, I have also:
- Spent 3 years in the pickup community
- Several years as a student of tantra
- Several years exploring my emotions by myself, in groups/ retreats, and with counsellors etc.
A few other points:
- The process was quite straightforward for me once things “clicked” (I didn’t need to count days)
- These days I probably have a nocturnal emission maybe once a week.
- I don’t have a raging sex drive/ I don’t think about sex that much (I will explain why later)
So why did things suddenly “click” for me? It was the result of several years of what I call “ground work”, which created space for me to go for extended periods without porn/ masturbation.
When you undertake a no fap challenge, your “sexual energy” (your body’s bio-energy or bio-electricity) grows. Sexual energy is discharged when you ejaculate (I’m sure you feel the drop in energy levels when this happens), but it is also used for digestion, repairing the body, muscle growth etc. We build this energy by consuming food, water, sunlight etc.
Your level of sexual energy is directly related to your personal power (I am sure you notice the feelings of greater power when you undertake no fap). So if you are in an environment where you feel disempowered, it is going to be in conflict with your desire to cultivate greater power in your body.
This is why guys feel pressure to ejaculate (i.e. discharge their sexual energy). It is the pressure of the things that they have not resolved yet in their life which is conflicting with their new enhanced level of power in their body.
I hope this makes sense… Basically the key to long term success is to do the “groundwork” to create an environment which is going to support the new, more powerful you that you are in the process of transforming into. Honestly, it took me about 4 years to get to this point for me; however, everyone is different so this time period is going to differ for everyone. Also, it wasn’t until after the 4 years, that I realised how all the pieces fitted together.
So what do I mean by “groundwork”, and how can you reach this point? Your ability to hold an enhanced level of sexual energy is related to two things:
1. Your “external freedom” (i.e. your masculinity) a.k.a your “inner man”
It is not about being a “macho man”, but instead about learning how to face your fears, so you can create the kind of life that you actually want to live (i.e. the kind of life where you feel powerful, and can therefore hold higher levels of sexual energy).
If you are in a job/ relationship/ life situation that you don’t like, those things are going to be pressuring you until you decrease your level of power accordingly (i.e. ejaculate). The key here is to practice learning how to face your fears on a regular basis, so you cans start taking the steps you need to, to create the life you want.
Tip: To practice cultivating external freedom, try to do something consistently that you find scary, but you also love doing. For me, this was pickup, but it could also be things like skateboarding, lifting weights, playing competitive sports etc.
2. Your “internal freedom” (your femininity) a.k.a you “inner woman”
Some guys feel the need to ejaculate often because they are afraid of feeling certain emotions relating to past traumas. To create internal freedom you need to explore these emotions, not with the goal of “getting rid” of them, but of integrating and accepting them as part of your experience.
When you build you sexual energy (i.e. your bio electricity) in your body, you enhance your ability to feel emotions. It is going to bring up emotions that you have been hiding from, perhaps relating to past events: anger, pain, sadness, vulnerability etc. Each emotion you accept and integrate, the more “inner freedom” you create, and the greater ability you have to hold more sexual energy.
Tip: Try sharing emotionally more with friends, family, or your partner (make sure it is someone has the capacity to hold space for you emotionally). Also, it can be a good idea to take some counselling sessions, or other “healing” modalities (just make sure that you choose a facilitator/ counsellor who really cares about the wellbeing of their clients)
Marrying up your “inner woman” and “inner man”
When I reached a certain level of external and internal freedom, porn and masturbation suddenly become non-existent in my life. However, what I found is that I then developed a raging sex drive, and I felt like I needed a whole lot of sex from women.
So how did I go from have a raging sex drive to not really thinking about sex at all?
I went through a personal process which I call “marrying up” my inner woman and “inner man”.
Let me explain this further, because it may seem a little confusing as a new concept… Once I go through this explanation, I will give you a simple practice to do which will get you the same results.
Here we go.
Your masculinity is expressed through your sexual expression (how you penetrate the world), while your femininity is expressed through your love expression (how you love the world). The nature of masculine and feminine dynamics is that masculinity penetrates femininity, and femininity nourishes masculinity – they both give and receive from each other. Put simply, a man gives to a woman through his sexual expression, and a woman gives to a man through love (think cooking/ cuddling/ spending time together etc).
Now… we all have an “inner man” and an “inner woman” inside of us (no homo). What I have described in my first two points is how to activate these parts of yourself to a greater extent so that you can hold more sexual energy. The thing is that the more you activate them, your masculinity “inner man” and femininity “inner woman” start looking for their counterparts. If they are not married up, then they start looking for their counterparts externally (i.e. outside of yourself).
This can manifest in behaviour ranging from sex addiction (“inner man” looking for “inner woman” outside of himself) to emotional neediness around women (“inner woman” looking for “inner man” externally), amongst other things…
So how do you “marry up” your masculine and feminine (“inner woman” and “inner man”)?
Simple. Spend time loving your penis. Think about what I am saying here. Love (i.e. the expression of the feminine), your penis (i.e. your sexual expression – the expression of the masculine). You need to create a loving relationship with your penis. Once you do this, you start to become more centred in your sexuality because you are nourishing yourself internally, rather than constantly looking externally for that next women, that next fantasy etc.
How do you love your penis? Everyone experiences love differently, so it is something that you are going to need to discover yourself. If you are familiar with the “5 love languages”, they apply to self-love too (do a google search). For me, whatever sexual feelings I am experiencing, I practice meeting it with complete love and acceptance by allowing the feeling fully in my body while feeling a connection between my heart (feminine) and penis (masculine) at the same time. Each time you practice, you make the connection stronger
If you have any questions, I will try to answer them as best I can below; however I am not sure how much time I am going to spend on the forum, so apologies in advance if I don’t answer your question.
Blessings,
Andy
LINK – 500 Days. No Porn. No Masturbation.: How I did it. (+ video)
BY Andy123456
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