POST CONTAINS SOME BIG TRIGGERS – I first start watching porn and masturbating to it when I was 12. Now I am 18 and I only discover femdom like a year ago and it already had a fucking big impact on me. I am addict. And I am mad also.
My self-confidence and self-worth was going down from a hill with fast speed. And I was so arrogant and so blind to my own behavior that I did not notice it was from porn. It literally suck my life from me and was leaving me half-slave, half-zombie. But I somehow find out about nofap.
I tried to stop it. And try to stick with it and by myself find those other nice joys of life which I was not able to find in my P journey. So as you can expect. I failed. I failed a lot of times. It was one time when I blame NoFap and literally searching in google for: “nofap is bullshit” or “nofap si placebo”.. You know where I am heading.
After a while I really get tired of all the relapsing I fucking have four Word documents full of my thought and feelings before and after Fap to most of the time to femdom.
I got tired of one time wanting to serve as a fucking toilet slave and be kicked to balls my some mean woman. It is really fucked up. I wanted it. I WANTED IT. There was nothing else I can found joy in except to masturbate to femdom porn wich as I say put an impact on daily life on daily interactions when everytime I saw a hot girl she was immediately dominatrix for me and I started viewing in my head how she can dominate me. And you know what? I found out that no woman want me. How can I be attractive when I want girl to piss in my mouth and with other hand punching me to my balls.
Then even talking about dogs was serious problem because I find myself in a situation when we were talking about dogs how to train them and you know this and I was in my head the dog and I imagine some mistress to train me like a fucking dog. And sometimes I even relapse cause I was talking about fucking dogs. I am mad didn´t I told you that? I was desparate thank God or whoever for not letting me spend money or even time with real session with dominatrix. Or not allow me to become a fucking 24/7 slave. OH shit. Or not letting me buy some chastity belt cause I was fucking close to it. Thanx for that…. I was full of depression, anxiety and all kind of bad shit I dont even know how to call it. In a big hole full of shit. But a light side was that between this ugly relapses sometimes I said fuck it and masturbate 8 times a day until my penis start fucking bleeding. Oh shit…
Anyway I said at the beginning that I bring hope so here it is. I started practice meditation during my little light moments during bad times. I practiced it quite a lot. Sitting meditation and here is what I found out. Actually more like what my mind and body was telling me. I was feeling like is my true nature to be a slave. To be submissive. And the only pain comes from not accepting it. So a lot of times I said fuck it and masturbate 8 times a day. Thanx brain!
Well.. This thought keep coming back to me. And eventually I almost everytime relapse cause I had no cure for that thought at that time.
BUT HERE COMES THE HOPE.
I found desperate in my suffering first week abstaining article on yourbrainonporn and that like I can say show me the light when I most needed it.
There was this guy with similiar problems like I said above and he said. “Every time I am viewing femdom I really wanna be slave (or whatever dominatrix want me to be) and after I fapped this stuff disgust me. So after all I dont like the idea of being dominated”
I found exactly the same I just don´t see it the whole time. Like it´s the only thing my brain gets really aroused by and that little smart motherfucker knows exactly that that´s my weak point and will eventually lead to relapse.
And don´t tell me that “Dont judge someone who likes femdom” No motherfucker I will judge him it is fucking disguising against nature and your biggest gift and as OSHO said is freedom. FREEDOM.
So I grab the last strength that stayed in me and breath into my balls and get on my journey and dedicated to my plan 14 days then masturbate. (sex doesnt count as reset and also I dont need to masturbate every 14 days only when I feel like it.)
But now it is 30 days since I viewed pornography I had sex twice. And I can say that is not fucking easy I still like edge every now and then but I am trying to stop it. Don´t blame myself for it. I still sometimes fucking view images or fucking text related to femdom but you know what ? Fuck it. Don´t blame myself for it. And that´s good thing cause if I blame myself for it like real hard then it will lead to relapse.
So… This thoughts, imagination about that shit is going weaker everyday sometimes it is hard sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is pretty fucking hard. But if you going trough hell keep going as Winston Churchill said.
And… Also my confidence and my self worth are coming on top of fucking Mount Everest. I am learning new shit everyday and all kinds of great things happening in my life. Sure there are also those sad moments but fuck it. It is all part of life.
So no matter how deep you are in your own pile of shit you can climb out and I am sure everyone can see light once more not matter how dark the shit is. Yes I can change. And I can choose how and who I will change (or evolve) to. So why cant you?
Accept the bullshit thoughts, feeling and emotions don´t fight with them but don´t act on them either. But you must find a way to not bottle them up. So there are lots of possibilities. And you must find which one best suits you. For me it is Dynamic meditation and mediation itself. Dance, screaming, writing poetry and singing. Also playing sports. So that´s it.
Thanks for reading. I just get it straight out of my gut and I feel like I might help some people.
LINK – REAL HOPE For Femdom And All Porn Addicts
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