Last June I stopped fapping, for the purpose of restoring the peen to its long-lost glory, and to stop feeling like a total degenerate. This is for all y’all still dealing with the struggle, to learn about the long road to recovery.
The central theme in my story is my relationship with a girl who lives far away, and therefore we can only meet once every few months. She knows about my old habits and my current rejection of fapping, and has been supportive through and through.
It’s almost been a year now. I had to go through various stages. Although after a month and I half (last summer) I got my rock-hard, reliable erections back and my orgasms were off the hook, I still had to resort to my old fantasies in the last moments before climaxing. Why? I don’t know. Maybe out of fear of losing the boner. Maybe because old habits die hard.
Fast forward to last winter. I see her again. Was able to come inside her, but only once (couldn’t do that last summer as she wasn’t on BC and condoms just didn’t work out). In the times after that, the vagina just felt too loose, too unstimulating. Maybe it wasn’t even about the physical sensation but the fact that there was no depravity involved. That would cause me extra stress and pressure and made coming even less likely. A nagging feeling persisted in the back of my mind. Would I never be able to quit being a pervert? Was my brain ruined forever?
Every once in a while, I’d still lie down and relive my sexual fantasies. Was able to resist fapping, but not the thoughts. Over time, those became less and less frequent. A shining light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe the perversions would be able to go away, after all.
2 months ago. Saw her again. For the first time, I felt like our sex was about love-making, not just sexing. An incredible feeling on a whole different level. Could this mean that my mind was getting cured? Am I becoming a decent, normal human being now?
2 weeks ago. Came inside multiple times. The dirty fantasies have mostly gone now. 99% of the time I fantasize about her in a way that would’ve left the old me completely bored and clicking furiously for new material. The weirdness creeps into my mind every now and then, but it feels like the remnants of an old order, too stubborn to let go.
Whenever I do imagine the dirty things of yore, it doesn’t really turn me on. It’s more from an analytical perspective. How did it come so far? Why was Japanese porn once such a central feature of my sexual life? Why did I retreat to toilets in airplanes to jerk furiously to literotica? Are internet-fuelled perversions just another sign of the alienation we face in our first-world lives? What is the point of all this technology if it can’t make us happier?
We could spend hours discussing these questions. What I want to show you, however, is that there is a way out. Not just from erections softer than wet cheese, but from the mental prison of degenerate sexual fantasies. It just ain’t easy, and it takes time. I thought that not fapping and looking at porn was the hard part. Turns out, it was the easiest part because all it took was not making my hands do certain things. It’s harder to stop thoughts and feelings.
LINK – Nearly one year in, my progress.
by DrKarupin
EARLIER POST –
In my previous topic marking about 3 months of NoFap, I went into my reasons to start and how it affected my relationship in a good way. Long story short: my wang wasn’t all up to spec when I was with my grilfriend after jerking off 1-3 times a day to disgusting porn (I guess it would be relatively tame compared to the stuff teenagers are growing up with now?) for years, did NoFap, and things became much better.
She came over for a few weeks during the holiday break. It’s been four months since I said goodbye to her in the last days of summer. I’m not worried about the wang anymore, it’s strong and stays hard for a long time. Still, some issues that I have:
Coming while inside the P: I did come inside her the first time we did it (she’s on birth control pills now, before we tried using condoms a few times but it was very uncomfortable for her, natural feels much better now), but since them I’ve only come with some assistance of her hands. Same situation with BJs. Pussy/BJ fucking feels good, but it doesn’t really provide enough stimulation to come. Sometimes I had to resort to closing my eyes and fantasizing, although at least the fantasies aren’t as depraved as during the YesFap days.
Related to the last point, a few anxieties: I’m super horny all the time when I’m with her. So horny that I don’t feel like I can just lie down and chill. My dick is just screaming inside my head to go inside her vagina, even when I don’t really feel like it. It’s kinda annoying because there’s no need to fuck all the time, especially if I came last night or half an hour ago. I don’t even like to cum all the time, it feels good to just have a hardon and have her gently stroke it, or just spooning together and putting my dick up along her buttcrack. But it’s like my cock keeps shouting into my ears that it has to fuck and to come. It’s a lot of mental noise, if noise sounded like “FUCKFUCKSEXSEXPUSSYPUSSY”. It’s stressful. I feel like my dick doesn’t even want to really have sex – it just wants to come, over and over again (perhaps an echo of porny days long past, still remaining in my head like stardust in the universe?). I’m not a teenager ffs, I’m 25 now.
Overall things are pretty good. I’m not worried about the banana’s health anymore, and need to focus now on the mental noise. It makes me feel like it diminishes my capabilities to love her, and that’s kinda fucked up. We still had a good time and we’ll meet in a few weeks but I feel bad about still being a perv who can’t just calm down about sex for a few minutes.
On the plus side, at least I can fuck her good for a long time. Last time I came inside a girl (which was in 2013) it was over in about 1 minute, or less. In the end I do feel like it’s more important to satisfy her than me. Some things just take more time to balance out in your head, I guess. I feel like everything will be fine, eventually.
Note regarding superpowers + tip for all: at the beginning of november I was getting super tired, and it dimished my ability to do well at school and get enough excercise, which made me feel even worse. I’d spend 12 hours a day sleeping. I got a blood test done, turns out Vitamin D (which isn’t really a vitamin and more a steroid) levels were very low, a common thing for all y’all growing up in countries with wintery seasons and little sunlight. Got a prescription for extra Vit D, plus extra Vit D pills from the supermarket (which have a much lower dosage than the one from the pharmacy, but I can take them daily rather than weekly), and I feel great and energetic now.
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