I’m 30 yo, married and a father of few kids. Was struggling with masturbation for 20 years and with porn for 9 years on and off. As any slavery you never feel that something is wrong until you hit the rock bottom.
I had to hit it again and again before finally deciding to get changed. I got to a point that I hated my wife but decided to stay with her for the kids, while she hated me, called me her biggest mistake ever and said that she would love to smash my face with a baseball bat. I kinda understood her, I wanted to do the same. So I guess it was enough of rock bottom. I decided to get changed, and here I’m.
So 90 days passed, I can feel many benefits. I can feel various feelings now. I’m sad, angry, irritated and frustrated, and in a sense also tired and exhausted. Mostly bad feelings, but it’s still much better than before, when I was only feeling one gray plain muddy depression.
I can’t say I feel recovered. Of course not. But I had many glances of clearance these three months – I understood so many things. I changed my mind so many times. I got new attitudes that I was advocating against them for years.
Currently I feel very low power. While I have no urges to watch porn or masturbate, I still have terrible urges to chat. It’s not about sex and it’s not only with women, but it’s still the same escapism and a very slippery slope. I don’t want to be there. In addition I struggle with staring at random fine looking women at streets. I can easily distract myself from the views, I made it for these three months. But I still feeling like there is a huge struggle, something that I need to resist many times a day. It annoys me. Why do I notice women’s body before noticing their faces? What the heck is wrong with my pervy mind?
These two things are so hard for me now. I really afraid to fall back to square one.
I know I showed an exceptional will power and self discipline for three months, but now I’m just tired, sad and discouraged.
Thank you brothers for reading.
EDIT: I didn’t make it clear. The problems between us are not directly related to my addiction, but while being an addict I couldn’t talk to her, I could understand the problem, and couldn’t explain what’s killing me. Now we’re talking, she’s seeing a therapist and we have hopes. Things are better.
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