20 months in, and what a difference. I have women beating down the door to meet me, I have a few friends who support me, I’m confident enough to hold conversations with strangers and I’m very present in the current moment. My job is AWESOME, I get to be creative everyday and get paid a massive amount of money and I trust myself and others.
Three ways I got here
1. A social worker. We all have fucked up social lives, and it’s almost impossible to fix on our own. Being able to go to someone and be completely honest and have them talk to you about what to do next is freeing.
2. Make mistakes. I went to a lot of weird meet up.com groups, hit on crazy girls, got rejected, did dumb things, said awkward things…..but each one I LEARNED something and CHANGED for the better.
3. SEX is nothing. It’s putting your dick in a wet hole. Love, friendship and connections are what you should be really going for
Fucking addiction, you are a bitch. 20 months clean and still struggling.
I’m starting to be able to hang out with people, but I notice I almost have a “social gas tank”. I can talk to people and hold conversation, but then I just lose it and withdraw and can’t get back into it. I still find myself wanting to fuck a girl as soon as a I meet her and being sometimes creepy, but I’m getting better and enjoying more smaller things like taking walks, enjoying coffee and comparing cultural likes and dislikes. Women have begun to look at me and I approach them, and I think I’m about to start closing and get some results. I went to the gym at 31 years old for the FIRST TIME EVER. And it was nice to go with someone and get taught how to do it properly. I had terrible form, but my friend who I went with helped me a lot.
One of the most interesting things I’m noticing is how the people I am hanging out with changes. At work I have new friends and people who I talk to, and can’t talk to my old “friends”. In my social life I’m attracted and hanging out with people who are healthy, balanced and lighthearted. It’s also getting easier to make comments, express myself and connect with people on simple things.
Lastly, my family is still shit. Which hurts and is disappointing. They are all very codependent, money driven and self centered. There is love there, but it’s inward, not outward, and they are very negative. Last time I was home my brother said hurtful things to me, obviously doing it to protect himself and his wasted life. My sister as well. The only good thing was I did not let it affect me. My emotional happiness is my own doing and is not based on people who I don’t have to let in. I even tried to ask about their lives, and we did have a few little good conversations about video games and dogs. But for the most part, their is a huge, negative emptiness in my family. NOT in me.
I hope to continue my slow, upward growth, kill off the addiction voice, work toward sex, and avoid porn and fake stimulus at all costs.
One last interesting thing about the addiction voice. When I was working out I was present. I was nowhere else but there and it was great. Then we went to do crunches, which I don’t like and my addiction voice came in. I went inward, felt awful and disconnected. The voice said “stop. Quit. Jerk off. Pull your dick out and ask the Asian women to suck your dick. Fuck that blonde chick in the bathroom.” With my friend there I fought through it and did the work, and it felt good that both the voice was only present at the end of the work and that I pushed through it.
LINK – Slow growth, big victories
BY – badmangoodman
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