I’ve been waiting for a long time to post this up – I think it was last week that I realized that I was finally rebooted. It’s been a long but amazing journey.
I decided to start NoFap on 16th July 2016 – a date permanently etched into my brain. I was suffering pretty badly with HOCD before I started and I knew that I was an addict (but didn’t realize how addicted I was) but didn’t know how to break it. I thought that masturbation was healthy and porn was something that everyone used. I stumbled on article by accident on my Facebook feed (which I have now quit – another part of my NoFap journey) where someone gave up sex and masturbation for 21 days. “Impossible”, I thought. I read this story though and at the end they mentioned NoFap. I thought that maybe I could do that and ended up finding YBOP, Gabe Deem’s Youtube videos (who was initially probably my biggest inspiration) and this forum. I decided there and then to give it a go. When I was reading how long a “reboot” was I thought that I could maybe manage 30 days and, when I saw 90 days I really didn’t know if I’d manage that! 90 became 180 which became a year…
I had no idea that HOCD was a thing until I started reading about it on YBOP. It suddenly made sense what I was experiencing. I read a lot of books on overcoming OCD (I have actually suffered with OCD for most of my life but most recently it was manifesting mainly as HOCD). Overcoming HOCD I think was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done. Trying to fight the monster in my brain felt for several months to be a hopeless cause. One day it suddenly seemed to get much easier. Now I would say it’s 90% gone. It still comes back from time to time (mainly when I’m stressed) but I now recognise what it is and have strategies to deal with it mindfully.
When talking about NoFap benefits, obviously overcoming my HOCD was a big one. My life feels more enriched. I find that I have a much more “can do” attitude. If I want to do something now I’m tending to do it rather than looking for the path of least resistance. I am also much more assertive about stuff. When something goes wrong now, I don’t try to pretend that it hasn’t or hide – I actually go and put it right now. I’m still an introvert but I definitely am putting myself out more and feel more self confidence.
Oh, and in terms of masturbation I have done that twice (after 13 months had passed) without porn/fantasy. Sensation was much better (I couldn’t believe it) but it really wasn’t actually that great. I will do it from time to time (maybe once or twice a month?) and I feel that I have finally broken the link between it and porn. Porn has gone for good and I have no intention in letting it come back.
LINK – 58 weeks without P – feeling rebooted, almost overcome HOCD, more confidence
by diddykong
ONE YEAR EARLIER – 32 days hard mode. Fighting HOCD.
by diddykong
I’ve wanted to write something for a while as I know a lot of people here are working through HOCD. I’ve been lurking here since I started my reboot and this forum has been a massive source of inspiration for me. I need to write this but I am finding this really difficult to write, even on an anonymous forum. I stumbled upon NoFap almost by accident, then YBOP made me realise that a lot of my problems were probably porn related and HOCD (I actually didn’t realise you could have HOCD until I read that).
Decided to give it a go that day and 32 days later I haven’t looked back (I never imagined I could make it this far). My target is 90 days hard mode but I feel like I’ll probably need to extend it.
I’m 30 years old. Originally started MO without P, I think I was 12. Been PMOing most days for the past few years but have found my PMO escalating over the past couple of years – I could waste hours and wasn’t really even enjoying it. Was watching gay and straight porn for at least 5 years. So many times I wanted to quit but never committed. I don’t know how I escalated into gay, I think it was a combination of OCD thoughts that I might be gay and novelty (I’m sure I’ve always had mild OCD so it feels logical that I would have HOCD as well). I could barely talk to another guy without feeling anxious. I’ve never experienced attraction to other men or even fantasies but my mind would go into overdrive if a man so much as looked at me.
My benefits since rebooting:
- HOCD so much better already. Feel more comfortable around other men and can have a “normal” conversation with guys now. I actually engage in small talk now (something I used to hate) and I’m much better at banishing the OCD thoughts when they start (which I also do with my non HOCD thoughts). It feeds on anxiety so I find that the trick is not getting anxious when the thoughts arise. That’s much easier if I’m not PMOing to gay porn.
- Less lethargic during the day, even though I sleep less.
- I can’t believe how much energy I used to waste on PMO. Sometimes I feel like I have so much energy I can’t get it out.
- Doing more exercise and seem to have more endurance.
- I’ve embraced cold showers, which I’m actually starting to look forward to every day.
- I’ve lost a lot of weight over the last year but it got static. I’ve somehow managed to lose 4kg weight in the last month (3kg away now from the target I set last year) which is awesome!
In terms of withdrawal it hasn’t been too bad. Luckily, I’ve had no urges for P. I’ve had some urges to use P subs but most urges have been for MO. Urges seem worse in the morning and before bed.
For anyone else suffering with HOCD, it’s miserable and people don’t understand it which makes it hard to talk about. It’s definitely easier to manage now that I know what it is and I’m not constantly feeding it with PMO, which feeds the anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely broken but I know it’ll get better.
Thanks for reading. Stay strong
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