Lamentations, but gratitude. Here, I recall in the years of near 2006, some 10 years ago, when I was ages 21-23 trying to “Sow” my wild oats as a young man. It wasn’t until recently, last year, (2015) that I discovered the true destructive effects of pornography in my own life, that I look back upon my youth and realize the consequences.
I was looking at some old photos, of a social group I often participated in, but indirectly never established meaningful connections, strangely, in my age, (31) now, I realize my youth had a dint in it, a fog, or a fade, of pornography over me.
It was a social club of sorts, and sifting through the photos of established people, I realized it was the type of group I belonged in, yet I was apart. My habit kept me apart. Young men need to flourish, and find themselves, and be a part of something. Recently, I was told, after posting my need for this type of flourishment at this age, that I had “Peter pan” syndrome.
Probably so.
I’ve heard, addiction keeps us from maturing, and some aspects socially I never matured. I glance at photos of smiling faces, young men and women, arms over each other shoulders, crossed; and I’ve many a youthful nervous energy of being around women, cold, clammy, sweaty palmed, for what?
Ah, my masculine vigor was robbed in a very important time of my life, where it was needed for growth, and yet we can “Dam the river” of passion within us, by refusing to “masturbate” and growth will come, holding our semen… but if one cannot “Damn the river” of eyesight, that is, looking upon lustful acts via video, or photo, we will be hindered as well.
The spirit cannot hide what it has seen and experienced. You say sixth sense, women are keen to this; thus my strange relationship with women were askew all these years.
Age 31, but my porn free life starts now; and it will count this time.
But I was never able to establish the true connections most people had. Though I hung around a friend, who “hung around friends” when we are about, ages 21-24 I made few newer friends and was a bit marked by a strange energy. A strange energy, that I didn’t realize kept me from being free until now. It wouldn’t be some ten years later, that I discovered pornography was that “Strange energy” that kept a fog over my existence, my being and kept me from establishing meaningful connections.
When I lifted the fog, I’ve already made two connections from humans that seem lasting, as if an internal subconcious barrier , or what I like to call the “Creep” factor has been lifted. I feel that’s what it was. I wasn’t a total, antisocial, but I was always marked by slight anxiety, afraid to be my true self, afraid to shine, and thus here I am, a failed man of sorts, sifting through old college friend photos wondering where I went wrong.
I lament in this reality. My 30’s, yes, will be free of pornography, given, that I just now realized the utter consequences that it has, spiritually, perhaps mentally, who knows. The distortion of the spirit and the wall it gives up drove a lot of things away. It brought me bad luck unknowingly, and anyone who has been free of it’s spell for a time will know the difference between being porn free and having it in their lives.
I am grateful, in being freed, back in 2012, my first year I began this journey, unaware however, that pornography WAS the culprit. I went many months and years with bouts of celibacy, railing against the nofap movement as to why “It wasn’t working for me.” – I would go, with 14, 30, and 40 days of sperm built up in these testes, yet walked around with a shadow over my head for months and years, angry at the nofap movement, thinking that I was accomplishing something as long as I didn’t fap.
“Nofap” was the misconception for success; the truth is it should have been, “NoPorn”. Ignorant, and at age 30, (It was 27 when I first discovered nofap and awakened) I had one more stage to go. See, this entire time, I had been viewing, edging on porn whenever I wanted. Not realizing that, edging, or viewing it, on occasion, kept my subconscious desires in bondage, morphing my expectations of life, women, and keeping my brain in an addictive, stimulating stupor.
It was about February, last year, 2015, that I realized, “Hey, wait a minute, I’ve been about this all wrong.” –
I quit pornography, and it wasn’t no easy task. In fact, it took a year to really “Quit it” and even then, I still relapse. Truly, it was my addiction of my 20’s and kept me in a fog, and kept me from building lasting connections. However, the months in 2015 that I went without it, there was a glow about me and I seemed to establish friendships easier, in fact and have established a deep friendship with a female co-worker seemingly out of thin air, and we remain friends to this day.
She told me she just felt like “She knew me” – and I feel that, in this day in age, where pornography is so rampant and easily accessed at any mands finger tips, the spiritual consequences are the great fog that is over all men, young and old alike.
Still, I lamant, looking back on the social club of my early 20’s. I glance at photos of young men and women, college bound, standing side by side, in platonic friendship, discovering their own strengths, weaknesses, finding themselves in identity and finding love. For me, it was all destroyed. I always felt “out of place” never normal; tinted with the scorn of pornography.
A man should be able to stand next to a girl he meets, put his arm around her, and feel nothing,
“..The sight of a young beautiful girl produces in a passionate young man attraction and agitation in the mind, piercing of the heart and serious intoxication. If these symptoms are absent in a man, then it is a sign to denote that he is established in Brahmacharya..” – SRI SWAMI SIVANANDA
In my own life, my youth, in my 20’s, this was my state of always. No wonder, I could not establish meaningful relationships with women, and those men associated with women who seemed so natural, carefree and social. I was always nervous, twitchy and felt I had to “Conquor” whenever near a woman. Women, and females in general always had power over me, my entire life, wether I wanted to admit or not.
I was not able to look, women in the eye, without desire. I was a creep, most of my life, unbeknownst to me until I was free from the pornography spell.
Free yourself of the spell and be free of the damaging effects it has on the spirit and join your brothers and sisters without perversion.
LINK – Lamentation and Gratitude; Damage to a young man.
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