Started fapping as teenager, then magazines, videos and finally internet. My PMO habit were never that bad, usually one short daily session and no weird stuff until the last couple of years.
I’ve always been lethargic, mildly depressed and generally lacking in ambitions. I don’t know how much is cause of PMO and how much is effect – I’m going to explore that more in the journal section later on.
Six years ago I decided that I’d had it with my situation (lethargy, lack of success in career, love and life in general), so I went into business for myself and tried to “fix” myself with various Self-help and Self-development stuff, as well as professional therapists and workout with personal trainers, all unsuccessfully (of course). In fact, a year later I broke down in social- and general anxiety culminating in proper panic attacks. At that time my PMO habit also escalated into weirder stuff. I now realize that was the cause of my breaking down, the two-three decade long PMO habit (though most of it was “light”) and not a medical/psychological condition as anxiety disorder or burn-out.
I’ve actually rebooted twice, unknowingly, in the last five years (due to circumstances where I was without access to high speed internet and it was generally inappropriate to fap). Both times I hit withdrawal which I, not knowing it was withdrawal, figured to be proof of something being wrong with me. Now that I know about PMO addiction and withdrawal I understand it was proof that my condition was caused by PMO.
So, anyway, 128 days clean – 128 days since my only relapse, 146 days since I committed to nofap. However I’ve been sloppy in my reboot and actually MO:ed (something called healthy M – “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A Glover). Through the month of December (after day 90) I got overconfident in my reboot and MO:ed with fantasy and indulged in sexual fantasies (without M). The fantasies where mostly real life sex and people, with just a little bit of P. I’m not sure whether that constitutes as a relapse or not, but to be on the safe side I’m now doing 90 day hardmode.
So that’s basically it. I’m going to post my journal as well as the tips, tricks and resources that has helped me to essentially become free from P. Barring some tragic or otherwise extreme event in my life I don’t see any risk of me relapsing ever again.
As for the result of my reboot: I’ve not experienced any forms of superpowers. My confidence is only slightly higher (climbing ever so slowly). The only benefit I’ve had is that my anxiety “disorders” seem to be gone. Instead I’m now suffering from rather strong sexual, social and business frustrations and I’ve yet to find a (productive and healthy – not numbing through M, Gaming, TV or such) way to manage them. For me the cure surely is worse than the disease. I had ways to manage my anxieties and I were numbing frustrations. So, honestly, so far rebooting has not been worth the effort and pain. But I understand that I still have a long way to go. I’m still quite lethargic and mildly depressed, but there’s much more than just PMO contributing to that.
My reboot/rewiring has come to the point where when I’ve been spending way too much time online lately (more on that in my journal) on sites (not P-sites! ) with ads for dating sites and such (you know the type) I’m no longer triggered at all, in any way. A month or two ago they’d trigger both urges and anxieties. But I am not pushing my luck, I’m avoiding looking at the images but only 30 days ago the quickest glimpse would have triggered all sorts of bad stuff. Now I’m going to severely restrict my online activities again, that also contributes to my lethargy (more on that in my up-coming journal)
Also on the upside, real life women about town has become significantly more attractive lately! (Maybe they all had a meeting and decided to put on make-up and hit the gym )
That’s it.Thanks for reading! I hope I can contribute something to current and future fapstronauts as well as the community in general! May you be successful in your reboot!
/Qwerty (I cannot believe that username was still available!)
LINK – Age 42 – 128 days no PMO
BY – qwerty
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