Ex-Cam girl speaks about healing

Hey guys and gals (I know we’re out there too). I just want to say how much I love this subreddit. [TRIGGER WARNING] I used to be a webcam model. It was really fun at first, I won’t lie. Having people in a trance like that can be very satisfying. Or so I thought anyway.

However, after about a couple of weeks, it started to change. I started to grow tired of the same thing. I got so tired of hearing I was beautiful or pretty. Not because I was being stuck up, I am not. It was because it meant nothing to me at all. It was just words spoken or written with an ulterior motive. Unfortunately, I literally can’t stand to be complimented about my looks anymore. It actually repulses me. I am trying to repair this mental damage.

I began to be very distrusting of men in general. Even in real life. Even to the point of kind of hating them. In my mind all you want is to see me naked and to do gross things.

I was in college at the time, I needed a job but I couldn’t find one that paid enough. A friend, more like acquaintance, from one of my classes told me about camming. She then affirmed that I would most likely do really well because I have a much larger than average bust line. She was a little more forward about he she approached that subject lol. She was right though, that actually rocketed me to the top; fast. Which gaining that much popularity at once actually turned out to be detrimental in the end. It became a toxic environment. There is a lot of self-pressure to maintain top spot, viewers get bored when you basically are doing the same thing over and over no matter how cute your personality is. Through talking with other girls they suggested to start getting more edgy with my shows, as in add people to the show. This was when it really started to go downhill, well, starting was downhill, this is when the car began to crash and burn in the ground.

I started first with just girls, I am not even lesbian, I just figured that all the girls in porn liked being with girls a lot (a lie) that I would probably like it too. Yeah, no. So a few of my friends “helped out” and I paid them. Yeah, I basically pimped them and sent them on their way. I am only friends with one of them still. Then after time came guys, I never wanted to do this one. It was in my moral code from the beginning that I would never do it. But when you go down the rabbit hole this far, what is one more step? I only had one friend actually decide to do it with me (again not friends anymore). The rest I actually found on Craigslist, yup, you knew that name was going to pop up eventually. So I was literally having sex on webcam with a guy I had barely met maybe an hour before. We just pretended we were boyfriend and girlfriend because the viewers like to think they are spying on a moment between two people. Paid them, sent them on their way. A couple of them were recurring “cast members”.

A moment of true shame, my turning point: You can actually skip to the next paragraph and not really miss a thing …….This is very trigger happy…… I warned you…… So don’t report me……I was performing with one of my male partners. I was sucking on him, it was a slow night so I had been in this position for a while, almost an hour holding my mouth open. This only meant my mouth was going to get tired and it did. Particularly, in one instance I closed my mouth too much to relax my jaw, but his penis was still in my mouth, basically I was biting his penis. He smacked me out of instinct and I opened back up. This, this the viewers liked…a lot. The show then changed to me getting beaten and raped. All paid for by the viewers. I was choked almost unconscious several times, my vagina tore and bled, I had bruises all over my arms, I had welts all over my face from being smacked, I was thrown around and my breasts were turning blue from fetish requests. It is to this day the most horrible experience of my life. Oh and I walked away with $300, oh wait no, $150, oh sorry actually $100. Because after all “it was his idea to change the show up and get viewers”. I spent most of it on first aid stuff at walgreens.

I did it for money, can you believe it? That was it and ONLY IT. I didn’t care for my viewers or partners at all. As far as I was concerned they were just creeps in basements jacking off and I was the girl they were paying to get them off. Nothing makes me feel better than to be told to do a rather disgusting thing I would probably not even want to see myself do, tokens are paid, and i have to fulfill.

The biggest myth that other camgirls bought into was that they said they felt empowered. To have men at their feet groveling for for your attention and willing to pay you money. ACTUALLY, it’s completely the opposite, the viewers are the ones who are empowered. The models are the ones at the feet of the viewers begging for money and turning tricks for literally nickels. “Take off your bra and panties.” and for 50 cents I do it. I would never do that IRL. Never. Ever. And yet I did it almost every day on there. Empowered? Um, yeah, not so much. More like slave. The porn industry is much like this, I basically self produced my own porn.

Really screwed up.

Also I began to get heavy into porn. At first just to watch and get ideas for my own shows. Then it also soon became a habit. I began to like it a lot. I would even put it on during my shows so guys could see me masturbate to my favorite porn.

Before I started all of this I was a very bright, loving life, college girl with a lot of friends, and no porn addiction either. By the time I called it quits I had almost no friends, because I ostricized myself and lost friends and also some did not approve of my new choices. College was going horribly as I never studied because I would watch porn and cam all day when I got home. I was severely depressed and had very low self esteem. I never thought about actually committing suicide but I thought about suicide a lot. I never smiled anymore, something my close friends and parents pointed out (parents didn’t know of my camming). I lost all motivation and desire for life. I didn’t care what the future was, I just knew I really didn’t want to be a part of it. I hated myself. I was disgusted with myself.

I started to get help. To help me return to that girl who was just a wide eyed college girl who got happy-nervous if she caught a boy staring at her in the library. The one that would day dream about a cute guy just coming over and striking up a conversation with her and leading it. Not this girl who fears men.

Getting help, helped a lot. I started to be able to see myself in a good light again. Accepting that the old me I described is still there but plays a very minor roll nowadays. But men still gave me anxiety.

In my research through porn addiction (as i am recovering myself) I saw a talk from Gary Wilson at TED, “The Great Porn Experiment“. I absolutely loved the talk!!!!! He also mentioned this little community of these weird men of all ages that gathered together on Reddit to take a stand against pornography and what it is doing to a generation of young men. “NoFap???” I thought to myself, “What in the world is NoFap?”

Then I cam here, The first post I ever read was a guy who had gone 90 days. He talked about all the benefits of giving up PMO. I loved them all. He inspired me so much. Then I read one of the last lines in his post where he talked about how good it felt to look at women and to simply appreciate them and see their natural beauty they have and not to objectify them and think of only sex with them as objects.

I burst into tears.

I literally cried almost uncontrollably. I literally for a moment felt human, felt normal, felt feminine. I then began to browse and I saw more and more success stories and read the same things happening for all of these men. I began to have faith there still are “real genuine men” in this world. Not stricken down by the chains of porn induced thoughts of the world. Or at least on the journey of breaking those chains. I wanted so bad to meet every single one of you to hug you and thank you. Because you’re here because you actually want to be here. Doing this because you want to do this.

Please don’t ever give up. I know this is hard. But please, I beg you, don’t give up on this. You guys are the beacon, the standard. In a world going into the muck more and more, it is soon going to need you guys. I am so proud of all of you.

Love to all of you,

PS When I date a guy again, he will be a NoFapper! 🙂

Tl;dr: I was a webcam model and my life was destroyed. Through recovery I found NoFap and it changed my view of men positively. Porn industy is much like camming, it uses and abuses and spits back out. Don’t support it.

LINK – Girl here. Long time lurker. From webcam model to NoFapper 🙂

REPLIES

Hello, Firstly its great to see a female point of view on here.

Cam girls was my main addiction with porn and I had hundreds of recordings of them. I used to like vanilla porn but eventually I became kind of numb to it 90% of the time and was obsessed with cam girls a special few in particular and spent more money on tokens than I want to know.

I thank you for your eyeopening account of your experience with camming even though It was very long I read it all and I’m glad that you do not do it anymore. I hope you succeed in your mission for honest affection, that is the real goal for us all on here because there are people like me who have forgotten what it is like to be with a woman.

That Ted talk is really good I have watched it several times, there is another good one on there that is similar I posted a link to it in one of previous posts .

Wow. For someone who used live camming as a means of porn, this really really resonates with me. Every time I did it, there was always a voice in my head telling me how meaningless this was, how much the women probably hate doing it. You can see it in their eyes. I hated myself for using it when I did, because there was nothing more to it than objectifying that woman on the screen and telling her what I wanted her to do. I’m so glad I gave it up and finally my morals have taken over those nasty triggers.

What makes me even more sad about your story is that there’s probably many girls out there right now in the same situation with no way out or who think it’ll get better or they’re so mentally debilitated camming is all they know now.

You’re so awesome for giving it up and looking to better yourself.

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been wondering lately, about the direction our society is heading in given all the avenues into camming, prostitution, pimping, addiction etc. that our technology is unleashing on us. Wondering what kind of lifestyles it will lead to, what dark hell-pit we’ll end up in and if there is time to avoid that dystopian future.

As a past camgirls viewer that’s really eye opening. That’s one of the thing i miss the most, mostly because i througt it was kind of a healthy things for the streamers, at least compared to porn. Also because of the ( very fake ) affection you feel for some girls after some times. But all your anecdotes reminded me stuff i’ve seen and put a different light on it. Also remind me the sadness in the eyes of some girls sometimes. But it’s kind of making a cognitive dissonance when you’re in a fapping habits. Thank’s a lot for sharing and good luck on your journey, you’re awesome.

( also have to say that’s very well written and could also be a very good novel topic )

After reading this and watching the “Date My Porn Star” documentary at the same night, I am thoroughly convinced that the porn industry is completely corrupt. Fuck porn. There’s no point to it.

I’ve been visiting this subreddit for a few years now and this is one of the only stories that has truly struck a chord with me and gotten me to emotionally tear up.

First and foremost, thank you so much for displaying such exceptional courage and bravery in sharing your story. Your decision to be forthright and candid helps to offer insight into the industry and can serve to turn people away form it. Lately, the damage that porn does is the main factor that’s keeping me away from it, but I’m not focusing much on the damage it does to me anymore (anxiety, stress, lack of confidence, etc.) but more so, the awful toll it takes on the participants, particularly the actresses.

So many stories are just like yours. Great, wonderful, beautiful innocent girls who need some extra money or happen to find themselves in bleak life circumstances and start camming or agree to a quick shoot and within a few months or a bit more, they’re getting abused on a set and hooked on opiates. It tears my heart apart when I hear of these stories because women are people and all pornography does is perpetuate the notion that they are object which exists solely for men’s pleasure.

I find modern feminism’s vociferous endorsement of pornography as “liberation” and “equality” to be horrendously warped and frustratingly misguided. Pornography merely encourages men to continue to view women as objects and nothing more. This awful shit trains a human to exploit other people and see them only as a means to an end. Like Pope John Paul II said, “There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.” Regardless of personal religious beliefs, this statement is mind-bogglingly accurate. Immersed in pornography, we lose sight of the dignity, beauty and essence of each individual. All we care about is ourselves. We are willing to do whatever it takes to experience our pleasure, despite what another person is being forced to endure. I’ve seen some truly sick and depressing pornographic scenes and looking back on them now, I feel so much sadness, pity and pain for the women who were forced to participate in some of the awful, demoralizing and reprehensible content.

Society alleges that porn is healthy (bullshit, the desensitization and other problems it causes are far, far from healthy) and lies to us, saying that it’s about “expression” and “freedom.” I am reminded of a story where a Buddhist man entered a monastery for 30 days and couldn’t speak one word, had no sexual activity, ate and drank just enough to survive, was forced to endure harsh temperature/climate conditions and didn’t sleep on a bed. When he returned, his good friend couldn’t believe he would voluntarily submit to something like that and asked him why he would give up all of his freedoms. The Buddhist man smiled and said, “Give up my freedoms? My friend, it was only when I was in the monastery there that I was truly free. I was free from desire. Free from the prison of seeking food or sex or all pleasures. Free from needing to speak, free from needing the temperature to be set at a perfect level. You see, it was only in abandoning all of my desires and the things which controlled me that truly permitted me to be free. Liberation is freedom from attachment. I am more free when I give up these things because I am not a slave to them.”

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and for encouraging all of us. We are not perfect, but we strive every day to be. I don’t know if I will ever fully overcome this addiction and be done with it forever, but I know that I can make it today and your post helped immensely. So many people have been hurt by pornography. The viewers, their spouses, children, the actresses, etc. It literally damages nearly everything it comes into contact with.

I was a cam model aswell. But of course only pervert gays were watching me. I stopped it pretty soon, luckily.

I was watching a nice thriller movie and also browsing through this subreddit and scanning everyone’s stories, but while reading urs, i had to stop the movie and give my 100% attention, cause i have never read such an excellent, eye opening, heartwrecking, much needed story. So i want to start of by saying thank u to u for taking your time to orginze and write such a personal story and dedicating it to us nofappers. U have my highest respect.

Its funny, that i started my nofap jounrey a month ago by watching the same video that u mentioned and then found this group and never pmo’ed again since then. Never relapsed. Today is my day 32, and the only way i survived this long without fapping is because i come and read this subreddit everyday. Posted two stories myself. And seeing other people success and the shame from relapses, gives me strength to fight every urge that i get.
Today i was feeling a little low, off day from work, home alone after a long time, ffamily went abroad for vacation, gf went abroad to work for 10 months. And i was bored and had a deep urge to view porn and was fighting it really hard. Gave a lot of pushups but its still there. And believe me when i say after reading ur story, it completely went away, that’s why i keep coming back here. And I’m sure it will help tons of other nofap brothers of mine. YOU, my dear lady, is a Rockstar now. Motivating and helping us get better. We r mostly doing this for oitselves. But at the end of the day, we r doing it for you too. Cause i have never loved my gf anymore than i do now. And it keeps growing everyday and she notices that and tells me everyday too. And my view on the female kind have changed totally and i can see that they notice it while i walk outside mypsef.

I’ll pray that u find peace, and I’m sure you will get it. As u r smart, i say that cause u r on the right track now.
P.s sorry for making it too wordy. Your story really moved me

Your story didn’t triggered me, but i was nearly about to cry from what you had. Thank you for being with us, thank you for quiting that hell. And get a good job, good life so you can heal your past. We are always with people like us and you to help. BTW you did have few blood pressure increase at bottom, but your story really is touching my heart took all the blood back to my head as i kept reading. Now you again will make me cry also if kept writing. Best of luck.

It hurts to read your story. I’m glad you made it so far. I hope you find your femininity again. In my experience , it cannot be destroyed, just burried under a lot of rubbish. Just like masculinity.

My eyes got wet when you talked about being willingly raped for money. Having fun is something, but going through hell for sex/guys and money… It remembered me that I used to know a guy and a girl that died of drug overdose (not related to each other) when I was a teen. The girl was a huge crush of me when I was 8-9, and the guy was just a very smiling, sportive and always joking.

I see innocence and beauty in your text, and I realy want you to become the awesome person I see at the back.

Welcome here my friend. This is a safe place to be.

Hey Sista, don’t fret anymore as you’re amidst family now. Welcome back home and sending hugs your way. It’s gonna be alright.

Always remember. “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” So shift focus and march forward soldier!

There have been a lot of women in history who’ve faced adversities and made a comeback in life. I urge you to read ‘You can heal your life’ by Louise Hay. Very inspirational and she’s also been in some similar situations like yourself.

Be patient with yourself. There will be difficult days in this journey, however stay strong and on the path. Use the community as support. You’ve seen rock-bottom like most of us here, now use it as a springboard to rocket to life!

And yes do not lose your faith in ‘man’kind just yet. We are over a 150,000 strong and growing family here ;-)…More strength and love to you! Peace out!

Men: Not on our watch!

It’s time we act like men and stop this abusing, womanizing, degrading industry.

This girls story is heartbreaking and we are the men that need to fight for these poor women who fall prey to the selfish desires of men.

It starts with me and you. One step at a time saying no to any urge and being strong in our conviction to stop this maddening cycle.

If there was no longer an appetite for this kind of darkness there would no longer be any money in it. And if there was no money there would be no more abuse of women in this way.

I’m done. You’re done. The Turing of the tide starts here with you and me on this subreddit page.

We are the band of brothers that are fighting something much bigger than just our personal struggle. Who else is going to fight this thing? Nobody. It is destroying the lives of women and children like a global wildfire that is out of control. We are some of the only fire fighters left. You are one of the few. Believe it. Get angry. Fight like a man possessed.

Your story touched me very much, to the point of tears. As a recovering porn addict who struggled with fetish stuff on Instagram and with IM contact with girls, I understand how damaging it was to my sense of self to use women in this way. I also feel great pain knowing that the women I was in contact with likely suffered much greater pain than I did, perhaps being drawn into porn for the same reasons you had. I’ve had to close the lid completely on communicating with these women to heal from my addiction, but I’ve always desired to find a way to really apologize and provide love to them once I’m healed of my addiction.

We are all broken hearted in some way, and porn insidiously creeps into our lives like a demon waiting to eat up our souls. I’m so sorry for what you had experienced, and also grateful for your courage to witness to your experience despite the suffering porn caused you. Please know there are many men who are willing to support you with love as you journey toward healing. Be gentle and loving with yourself, it will take time to realize your inherent beauty and worthiness to be loved unconditionally.