For months I’ve had control of my urges; whenever one comes up, I’ve been perfectly able of:
(1) Recognising it as an impulse from/driving a need to Fap, rather than arousal and desire that may lead to a want to Fap. The key difference is knowing the difference between a want and a need.
(2) Taking control, and dismissing the impulse. I could do this strictly mentally, which was progress from needing distraction or whatever to get rid of it, or from riding it out painfully like in the beginning. So this was really huge progress and I wondered “is this what normal feels like? Is this how most guys experience and process arousal?” It was, after all, distinctly a decision I was capable of making to ignore the impulse. Of course there were those other times that I didn’t really have to decide not to give in, but rather it kind of just wasn’t a thing. I was really happy with the progress of recognising the difference between those two, but I wondered whether it was a difference of kind, or just a difference of degree. That is, I wondered if the ones that required active cognitive dismissal were just higher levels of arousal, totally normal experiences, and my new ability to dismiss them something most guys just have always been able to do. Or, were they not simply stronger desires, but actually a different kind of neurological event? Was I rebooted at long last, or just coping extremely well?
Well, they were different neurological events. I know this, because I just experienced normal sexual excitement and arousal! I was getting changed, getting ready to take a shower after work. As I was undressing and putting clothes away, I ended up dressed in a particular state I happen to find sexy and exciting. It gave me some thoughts about sex, and sexy games/play. I enjoyed the thoughts, and they didn’t feel invasive or powerful. They were just like any other daydream. They weren’t compelling me to act on them. So I entertained them, and let the chain of thought unfold. It continued to be just as it started: a sort of daydream that happened to be sexual. It meandered from one thing to another, so a few different sexual ideas. I had started journaling about it at this point, so I was recording these ideas to some extent.
I could have had a fap. I was definitely able to, on this daydream/fantasy alone. It would have felt good; I knew it would have. I thought about other things I might do that would give sexual pleasure. I could have done any one, or any combination of these things, if I choose to. I could remain dressed in the state that I was finding arousing and exciting, or change. I felt I was totally free to get dressed that way again, after I shower, and still be in this exact state of being wholly able to choose what I did next, at any given moment.
Here is the difference: I knew I could choose TO DO any one of these things. I didn’t have to choose NOT TO DO any of them. The default action was no action. Up until now, the default was to indulge the sexual urge; I had to CHOOSE NOT TO follow the impulse. Now, I would have had to CHOOSE TO indulge my sexual feelings. And they were feelings, not urges or impulses. I’m beaming, guys. This is wonderful! I’m choosing to shower and not indulge further, because I know this could potentially be a trick of the brain to make me think I’m consciously choosing, when I’m actually not. I’m going to continue to exercise this freedom, for a while yet, by not choosing to act on the feelings. But I did indulge them for a bit today, without their turning from feelings to urges/needs/compulsions.
I’ve been gone for quite a while, but I wanted to pop in to report on this. So today is day 258, and I’ve been well under control for a long, long time. There’s been one nocturnal emission in that time, and some
times I’ve lingered too long on photos on Instagram, or something. Those lingerances were a matter of a few minutes, then catching myself, giving my head a shake, and getting back to real life. I also haven’t
had one in a long, long time. Certainly not in 2016.
Guys, I think my reboot is finally here. Probably need to install some updates before it’s a totally clean restart
So I’m having a good day.
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