Let’s get some numbers out of the way. This will be my second time to 90 since around 2003. I started trying to quit about 6 years ago, and joined this group on another account about 2 years ago.
I’m trying to quit porn on a permanent F*&%$#@ basis. My reason is that I became all to familiar with how p had changed my mind and body. I’m happy to report that these changes have been reversed, or are in many cases in the process of being reversed. My motivation in this journey has been the people in my life, specifically the women who did nothing to deserve the way I had become accustomed to thinking about them in my heavy p use days.
So, what about the pain? Well, since my last 90 a bit more than a year ago, I’ve fallen in love, moved in with a girl, broken up with her twice, moved somewhere else, relapsed a lot, and gotten back on track. Thankfully, p did not play a role in these breakups, but it continues to play a role in my sexuality and sex life. It is, sadly, ever present. And it is painful to still have thoughts and images intrude upon my daily consciousness that come from this place outside of me, which is fake, dangerous, and still trying to lure me back. Thankfully, I’ve figured out that this is not something wrong with ME, it is something wrong with porn.
In coming to terms with my breakup, I find I want to keep reminding myself of how things fell apart, and what didn’t work between us so I don’t repeat old mistakes. Similarly, I am also becoming somewhat protective of my memories of how bad it was for me during my heavy p use days. They give me a link back to the beginning of my recovery, and they help keep me on this road. Pain sucks, but it’s nature’s best teacher. I’m holding on to some painful memories because they were amazing lessons. “Hold on loosely,” as the song goes.
Also really helpful to me in this last round of true sobriety has been /r/valhallachallenge. I really appreciate how I can sense now when I’m getting overconfident and forgetful of my bearings. I appreciate that I know what to do about that now: talk to friends, post, support, celebrate progress, reinvest in recovery. I really appreciate how I’ve been able to remember to sign up for each month’s challenge. I really appreciate how I can look at what I’m doing to support my recovery and say, “hey, I’m doing a good job.” I really appreciate how there hasn’t been a day in 2015 that I’ve looked at porn. I am grateful that I know that I am an addict, and I am so grateful for my sobriety.
Thank you for your help, all of you. If you are in pain, if you are struggling, your struggle can be beautiful if it is teaching you and teaching others how to be better humans. Hold on loosely to the pain so it doesn’t hurt you more than it already has. Hold on and learn from it.
LINK – Hi again 90. Pain is how I learned.
by irgendwalrus
;