I’m unable to stop watching porn on my own. When an urge hits me, begging me to pull up a stimulating picture or scene on my phone or computer, I will do it. Once I start watching, I have no idea how long I will go. It could be 15 minutes or 15 hours. All I know is that nothing—NOTHING—is going to get in my way.
Once I’m done, I always feel a nauseating burden of guilt, shame, self-criticism, and sadness. I tell myself that I was weak and shouldn’t give in to my base urges. I resolve to never do it again. After this, I might be able to go two weeks, maybe three, without watching porn, out of fear of another binge. But eventually the desire to act out returns. I can’t fight it off for long. Soon enough, I’m back on another binge.
This cycle will likely continue for the rest of my life. That’s a depressing thought, isn’t it? But that doesn’t need to be my fate. By taking the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and having a spiritual experience, the urge to watch porn has been lifted from me and I’ve found freedom.
Don’t get me wrong: This didn’t come easily. I had to fall down countless times to finally arrive at a place where I was willing to do whatever it took to get sober. That meant surrendering my life to a higher power, which I choose to call God.
Before that, I tried various ways of avoiding or overcoming what the AA Big Book calls “the imperious urge.” When I first realized I had a problem with watching too much porn, I had my then-girlfriend set a new laptop password that I didn’t know and put a porn blocker on my phone. That initially worked for a few months, but every day I was tortured by the desire to watch. The amount of time away from porn only increased my excitement at what riches I would find when I returned. Eventually, the desire became so strong that I found a way to circumvent my laptop password and phone blocker, and went on another binge.
After this failure, I tried other options. I swapped my smartphone for a flip phone (yes, they still exist) and ditched my computer. I attempted to write down really good reasons not to watch—reminding myself of the ideal life I wanted to live and of my desire for a loving, sexually exciting relationship. I took long walks when I felt an urge. I went to a sex addiction therapist and told him about all my problems and history with porn. I set goals to limit my behavior, such as only masturbating without porn, only doing it once a week or only doing it for a half hour. I tried pretty much every method discussed on online forums dedicated to stop watching porn.
These methods would keep me away from watching for roughly a month, which was much longer than I’d been able to go in the past. But inevitably the morning would come when I had nothing to do that day, and my mind would gently suggest, “Why not watch porn? That’d be fun.” Soon enough, I’d be heading to the nearest electronics store to buy a tablet or smartphone, go on a day-long binge, and return the device the next day.
If other people have found success in giving up porn using the various approaches described in online forums and articles, I commend them and hope they continue to experience freedom from this terrible addiction. But those methods did not work for me. No matter how good they made me feel, they could not stop my mind’s ability to manufacture a reason for me to watch porn again—even if I knew what the consequences would be. My problem is that as soon as the option of watching porn enters my mind, I have already lost the battle. I am not at that moment strong enough to resist—and I never will be. That feeling of excitement that jolted me that first time I saw a pornographic image as a teenager was like nothing else I’d ever felt; and I will never experience the joy of that high again, no matter how many videos I watch. I’ll be chasing that high for the rest of my life.
When I realized the futility of my situation, I saw that I was trapped. I couldn’t get high anymore, because my increasingly long binges had become destructive to my romantic relationships, friendships, career, and overall enjoyment of life. But I couldn’t not get high anymore, because getting high felt too good to give up.
The only solution I’ve got is to find a feeling that’s even better than the feeling I get from watching porn. That feeling needs to come from a unity with God. If I wake up at 3am and I’m afraid of facing the world the next day or I’m angry about how my friend treated me the day before, how is an accountability partner going to stop me from acting out if he is asleep? How am I going to get the willingness to get out of bed and take a cold shower when I could just grab the phone sitting on my bedside table? How am I going to convince myself what a bad idea watching porn would be when my mind is already going insane with desire?
But if God is protecting me at that moment, I won’t act out. That won’t come from willpower. Rather, the thought of acting out won’t even come to me. I don’t fight porn to stay sober. Experience has proven that I’m not strong enough to fight. The desire for porn needs to be defeated for me by something more powerful than porn.
I have accessed this power by working the twelve steps. (I work them in the Sex Addicts Anonymous fellowship. Though the AA Big Book was originally written for alcoholics, its program can be used for any addiction.) I understand that many in the online porn recovery community are skeptical and even suspicious of spiritual approaches. I can relate to that: I came into recovery as an atheist. I still do not affiliate with any religion; I have a personal conception of God and don’t force it on anyone else.
My goal is not to denigrate or dispute anyone else’s process for getting free from porn. Nor do I claim that the twelve steps are the only means of finding God. All I know is what has worked for me and many others.
If you’re interested in taking this path, I’d be happy to hear from you. You can reach me at pornaddictsrecovery (at) gmail (dot) com. (In case you’re wondering, I don’t and never will ask for money in exchange for my help. I, like others in twelve step recovery, carry the message because it is necessary for me to stay sober.)
If you follow this process as I did, you don’t ever have to watch porn again. The twelve steps have transformed my life. I hope anyone who is still struggling with this addiction has the same opportunity to get free.
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