This is my first post on NoFap (and on reddit). I’ve been aware of this subreddit for quite some time, but have never joined in the conversation before. A lot of these threads have helped me keep going, but I’m becoming very concerned and I just want to know if anyone else is experiencing/ has experienced what I’m going through. This is going to be a long and very personal post, so please bear with me.
Before I post much more, I’d just like to say that I’ve been quitting fapping for quite a while now, so I’m no stranger to withdrawal symptoms. I have had PIED for almost the entirety of my sexual experience. I began fapping when I was around 12. I got a computer for Christmas one year, and that was the beginning of the end. I had a sexual experience with BDSM when I was about 9, but have been interested in it for literally as long as I can remember. By the time that I started quitting, I would watch for hours every night. I quit my band, I failed college, and was receding into myself. I smoked weed constantly to ignore my feelings.
I began rebooting about a year and a half ago. I met a girl who totally changed my life; she was smart, funny, kind etc ad infinitum. We hit it off really quickly and started dating. When It came time for sex, my PIED wouldn’t allow me to function at all. I had no understanding of what was going on with me and it left me scared and embarrassed. I came across YBOP and it changed my world. I gave up porn and was successful with it for quite some time; the first three weeks were hell, but I powered through and finally lost my virginity. My sexuality started to return, but I never went more that a week without having sex. I also couldn’t wear a condom, so (stupidly) I never wore one.
Fast forward 8 months. Inevitably, I got my girlfriend pregnant. We had no idea what was happening until about 8 weeks in. She developed extreme morning sickness. For people who don’t know what that is, it’s like dying. She was sick constantly. She couldn’t keep any food down, was throwing up literally all day, and couldn’t work anymore. It was extremely stressful for her, but also for me. I made every effort to take care of her, which included many trips to the hospital. We eventually got an abortion, but at some point in that process, in a moment of weakness, I relapsed. I thought I could keep it under control, but I quickly learned what just one slip can do. I am still struggling to this day.
Unfortunately, we didn’t learn our lesson. I still didn’t wear condoms after that, and she got pregnant again (for some reason, she wasn’t taking her birth control, but that is not to place blame on her). After another abortion she shut down completely. She moved out a month later, and our relationship has taken a nose dive. At this point we are essentially just friends, but I miss her dearly.
The point that I am coming to is this; when I first quit fapping, withdrawal was hell; I was irritable and felt intense cravings. But at some point in the last few months, after a random PMO, I developed depression. It was almost instantly after. Our relationship had already failed at this point, and she was no longer interested in hearing about it. I’ve been stuck with this depression since. And it’s gotten worse. My last fap was 14 days ago. I gave up PMO completely. I made the decision at that point to quit smoking pot (it was causing me cravings). Since then, I’ve had my depression spiral; I wake up every morning with suicidal thoughts, and they’re becoming overwhelming. I have no appetite, no motivation. I’ve lost 10 pounds (I was already underweight to begin with). I’m also having stomach pains every morning, which are getting worse and worse. I’m scared. I’ve booked an appointment with my doctor for tonight, because I honestly don’t know if I can keep going anymore.
My question is this; when I first quit, my withdrawal was nothing like this. This time around it’s so severe that it’s causing me to lose muscle and weight. Has anyone else experienced a withdrawal this severe?
LINK – Severe depression… should i see a doctor?
by ViciusCycle
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