Hi folks. If my calculations are correct, then tomorrow, June 17, marks 2 years for me without porn. It’s past midnight here already, so technically it’s already my anniversary, so I’m going to go ahead and call it now! I’ve been itching to share a bit of my experience, and milestones like this are always a great time. It’s good for me, because it makes me feel really good knowing that I have something of value to share. And it also allows me to reflect back on where I’m coming from, where I’m at, and where I’m going. So, without further ado, let’s get in to it!
What it was like, and what happened
I guess if I could say anything about my porn free journey, it’s that being porn free for me has been about saying “yes” to life. You know… stepping out of the sidelines, and getting into the trenches. No matter how dirty, gritty, ugly or scary reality may be. I have chosen to stop escaping it, and to face my reality head on.
I mean, after all, that’s what porn was for me: it was an escape. Before quitting porn, I had already seen how I was using weed and alcohol to run away from my emotions/my reality, and had already let go of those behaviors. But porn was a bit trickier for me. I mean, it’s so normalized that I never really even questioned that there was anything wrong with it. Until some other dudes I met that were sober started giving me those hints.
I wasn’t using porn for hours a day or anything (except MAYBE on a really bad binge day), nor was I doing anything shady like illegal activity or wracking up credit card debt. So it was easy for me to kind of normalize my behavior. But what I came to find was that porn was a substitute for real intimacy in my life. I was afraid of my sexuality, afraid of my emotions, afraid of facing reality head on… and porn was my escape valve.
I mean, like I said, I was only using maybe 15-30 minutes (sometimes more) a day (every day, of course). Well within the range of what some might consider “normal”. But I guess it reflected something deeper in me. Like, I was disconnected from life IN GENERAL. I was always up in my head, thinking I was worse than other people, afraid to talk to girls, running away from social interactions, etc. And that’s such a miserable way to live, that sooner or later I needed a release. I needed to get my joy from somewhere, right? And with alcohol and weed out of the equation, porn became the new go-to.
A shitty way to get your joy, obviously, but a SAFE way. A comfortable way. A way that did not require me to leave my comfort zone or my bedroom. So it’s easy to get stuck there.
But sooner or later I realized that what I was getting from porn was fleeting. Enough was never enough. So it sort of stopped working for me. Realizing that after using porn I would only feel worse, and need more… it became very hard to keep lying to myself. I had to look for another way. And that way, for me, came in the form of authenticity.
Authenticity, I suppose, is what I meant when I said saying “yes” to life. It meant and means living in an authentic REALITY, not a fantasy world.
It meant looking at myself and realizing what I was: a young man who had a lot of problems with sexuality, intimacy, and other emotional and spiritual issues. I mean, it’s not easy shit to look at.
But guess what? I found, when I took that leap, when I became willing to truly stare it in the face without any delusions or crutches… I found that it wasn’t that bad. In fact, not only did I find that it wasn’t that bad, I found that it was deeply BEAUTIFUL! I found that I am living a deeply meaningful HUMAN experience.
Remember: HUMAN. Not a robot!
Not only was it beautiful, I also found that I couldn’t be touched. All those things that I ran away from… once I actually stared them in the face, I realized the harm was all imaginary. I found something inside of me which can never be touched, no matter what goes on on my periphery. It is a sort of awareness that persists inside of us despite the changing nature of our reality. And once I found that, I stopped being afraid to LIVE.
It just took a little bit of courage in the beginning to make that initial leap. Until I did, the fear would always rule me, and I would never attain to that untouchable center. So, a little bit of courage, a little bit of desperation, and a LOT of honesty.
And guess what? When I stopped checking out of life, that’s when I started being able to solve my problems. With patience, persistence, trust, and a little courage, I have been able to work through the vast majority of my issues. It has truly felt like “growing up”.
So, where am I at now?
Well, things have gotten really fucking good. To be honest, I don’t attribute it solely to quitting porn, no… if you JUST quit porn, I think you would be missing the point. I know we’re all different with different experiences, but I would reckon that if you’ve made it to this community then you have some issues with vulnerability, authenticity, intimacy, etc. I mean, even people who aren’t here have those issues… it seems to be an epidemic in our society (hence the prevalence of porn!)
So, I think the most important thing is to take a good, hard look at that. To take steps to be honest, to be vulnerable, to show your true face and stop trying to put on a front for yourself and the world. For me, that started off with some sober guys I had met in recovery… but it can really be with anyone. Close friends, trusted family members, significant others… it doesn’t really matter with who, it’s more something about the quality with which you choose to live your life. And that must be with a quality of honesty and vulnerability.
Deal with that, and I reckon the porn will start taking care of itself. It will be much easier to quit, it will become sort of second nature. This has been my experience.
I still get urges, but I dismiss them rather quickly. Life, lived authentically, has gotten so good that I have no need for porn anymore… it has sort of lost its grip on me.
My relationships have improved across the board. My relationship with my girlfriend is better than ever (hell, me HAVING a girlfriend in the first place coincided with my efforts to quit porn) – in an emotional, spiritual, and yes, sexual sense. We are not having wild pornographic sex, not at all… But we are having fun with it, and we are doing so in a way that is not about competition or proving anything and is more about mutual love, understanding and enjoyment.
Ah, and I didn’t get it right from the beginning. For me, relapse was part of my story. But I always said – I preferred an honest relapse to a fake recovery. It’s part about being vulnerable and open to life… if I am not ready to quit, then there is no use trying to fake it. That way, when I am truly ready to quit, there is a true foundation to it. But the foundation is honesty and vulnerability… not quitting in order to achieve something and become “strong”. Just the opposite, really.
I’ve written, believe it or not, 5 short books on the topic of spirituality, acceptance, love, and addiction. I’ve recorded a 5-track EP with my band. I’ve found meaning, purpose, joy and love. I’ve become grateful, even for the small things. Socialization has become easier, and pleasant, even. I’ve become more comfortable with who I am, and I’ve become able to say “no”. I’m not a door mat anymore.
All that said, I still have problems. I’m not saying life is always amazing, but to be honest, the bad days seem to be the exception rather than the rule. Even on the bad days I always tend to find something to be grateful for. That, and I continue to strive forward, patiently, for even better things.
What’s next?
Well, today has been one of those days that has been not that good. I’ve been faced with some of my old demons, and I think what I’ve gotten above all has been a sort of gentle reminder from life to slow down, and be patient.
I am still trying to find my place in the world. To find what I am about, what is important to me, what I want to do, who I want to be. On a deep, fundamental level! Sometimes this brings me into conflict with others, even on this sub! And it takes honest self-reflection to be able to figure out in which of my assertions I am correct, in which of them I am wrong, and in which of them it is just a matter of different points of view.
What I do know is that my heart keeps on guiding me. I am listening to my heart now more than I ever did in the past… the mind and its insecurities have lost a lot of their power over me.
And my heart, or if you prefer, my intuition, always gives me a strong indication of whether I am headed in the right direction. Sometimes, something feels “right”, and I proceed on with it. Sometimes, something feels “wrong”, and I take a step back and reexamine my views. And sometimes, something just feels unclear… I cannot be sure if it is right or wrong. And I wait patiently for life to give me a new indication.
But it is the same principle as always… the principle of saying “Yes” to life, of saying “yes” to who I am, and of living my existence authentically.
And that’s not always easy, because human beings are messy. It’s still something I have to come to grips with.
But fuck man, here I am, still fighting. And the fight is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have had so many positive experiences, so many moments of light, that to give up would be nearly impossible at this point. I know I’d be turning my back on something indescribably amazing. And I don’t wanna turn my back on it.
My major lesson?
Besides saying “yes” to life and “yes” to your authentic self, it’s gotta be patience. Patience. That’s right. Porn was really the antithesis of patience. Not feeling well? Boot up your favorite video and voila, feel better at the click of a button!
Real life ain’t like that. Real life is not always comfortable. It’s not always easy. It’s not always certain. It’s difficult, man. Being a human ain’t clean. It’s a real mess. And to get a handle on things takes TIME.
So I myself am “guilty” of impatience even to this day. I can still feel myself rushing to have it all figured out. Today was a somewhat painful reminder of that.
But guess what? Things do get better. With patience, perseverance, and trust, they DO get better. I know it from my experience.
And not only that, but if we can take the leap to become totally patient… so patient that we have no complaints in the world… then suddenly, we have already attained to what we are looking for.
Suddenly, this moment is enough. And we realize that we are living a deeply moving HUMAN experience.
And fuck man, I don’t wanna miss out on that. I’ve got no time for porn.
Thanks so much to the /r/PornFree community for being instrumental in my recovery. You are good folks.
Special thanks to /u/foobarbazblarg, /u/seatint, /u/MightyAslan, and /u/konekto.
This life thing is pretty cool. Thanks again, guys.
LINK – 2 years without porn
by shortyafter
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