Writing this piece hurts. For years I did something very damaging to me — it’s painful to realize that.
It’s about the consumption of pornography on the Internet.
At first glance, it sounds harmless. Especially older people seem to underestimate the danger — but pornography has evolved.
It’s no longer about scantily clad ladies in Playboy magazine.
It’s about perversion, fetishes, unnatural ideals of beauty, and unrealistic sex practices — for free, in moving pictures around the clock.
It’s about young people exposed to the relentless rationalization of the big porn platform. Young people, clicking themselves further and further, deep into psychological and even physical problems.
This is not about individual cases.
Here are my observations and experiences on myself and many other young men.
Porn consumption seems to be a male problem.
At least, that’s what PornHub’s statistics say. Every year, probably the most relevant porn platform publishes interesting statistics.
The majority of users in 2017 were male¹ — this is also my experience. At our school, it was more the boys who talked openly about their consumption. On the other hand, I have never heard of a girl consuming porn regularly.
The problem starts early — because the effects of pornography were never clearly discussed in my school days. Not once.
That’s a huge misconception. Because at least I grew up completely uncritical — and before I knew it, I was already consuming porn for the first time at a young age. Of course, you don’t talk about it with your parents — much too unpleasant; for both sides.
Here’s how it played out.
1. Problematic standards
Porn is not reality —of course not.
When I was younger, I was not aware of that. But even as an adult, you confuse a lot of what you see with reality.
The worlds of the professional porn industry and amateur films are blurred — both are available on the platforms. Professional porn wants to come across as authentic. What is realistic and what is not is often not easy to say — especially for consumers with little experience.
This creates a false image. Not only of how naked women look & what they do with themselves (of course, this does not only apply to women, more about that in a moment). It also creates a false image of the performance and the real problems associated with sex.
The very fact that condoms are rarely used in porn gives a wrong picture of reality. Actors in porn get regularly checked for STDs — not the case for ordinary people. For casual sex in real life, a condom is essential — even if you can use other contraception methods.
Getting your sexual experience only from porn might go wrong. From my environment, I have heard of many nasty surprises. Unwanted pregnancies, injuries, and disputes between lovers.
2. A decrease in self-confidence
When we discuss pornography in public, it’s usually about one thing: women’s problematic portrayal. We are right to discuss this — the image of women in porn is unrealistic. The way they get treated is partly misogynistic.
But there is something we forget.
The portrayal of the man is similarly problematic.
Male porn actors are also an unrealistic standard.
Most of the time, they have impressively large genitalia.
This is something I realized too late. For years I thought their size was the norm. When I was younger & not full-grown, it intimidated me— it affects almost all-male consumers of pornography.
Finally, the penis size in sex movies is larger than average — so most men have a smaller penis—simple mathematics. But do the men know that they measure themselves against an unfair yardstick?
3. Discovering strange fetishes
Fetishes do exist. They are natural — humans don’t choose their preferences.
That’s exactly why we need to respect the different fetishes — as long as they don’t harm anyone against their will.
But practically, this can be a bit difficult. Not every sex partner in real life wants to engage with your preferences — many just come across as repulsive or disturbing. Living with a fetish is not very easy for many.
But what does porn have to do with fetishes?
I don’t want to claim that sex films are the trigger for the development of fetishes. This thesis is controversial but not entirely absurd. Many argue that fetishes develop because porn consumers become dull — they gradually need new and more intense things to be still aroused.
Porn is dulling. In forums like r/pornfree on Reddit, men repeatedly mention that they get erection problems with increasing porn consumption.
Surveys also show this² — and I’ve had the same experience.
But even if porn doesn’t create fetishes, it lets you discover your own.
That doesn’t sound negative at first — but it’s not that simple.
In my experience, if you haven’t discovered a fetish yet, you don’t notice that “something is missing” from your sexuality. But as soon as you discover a fetish, it plays a significant role in your sexual satisfaction.
So it doesn’t have to make sense to search for your fetishes — on the contrary. There is always the risk of finding a preference that meets with a lot of aversions.
4. Addiction
Yes, pornography can be addictive. But recognizing that is not easy. It is not a physical addiction. It’s more about psychological dependence — but a special one.
If you are addicted to cigarettes, you are usually aware of it. Cigarettes are no food or drink — there is no natural urge to consume them.
With pornography, however, there is one: Sex.
Sexual needs are normal. At least to a healthy degree, that’s precisely what many porn addicts don’t realize.
They consider their porn cravings to be a healthy libido. Of course, this sounds a bit confusing — we need to elaborate.
For them, consuming porn is always associated with masturbating either directly during or after it. People addicted to porn usually can’t masturbate without watching a movie — they are not aroused enough without it.
So when they feel the urge to masturbate, it also means watching one or more porn movies. Well, the desire for sexual gratification is, of course, normal — it’s just that with porn addicts, it’s often excessive and no longer regular.
Porn means dopamine. The brain does everything it can to release dopamine — so addicts keep reaching for their cell phones, opening an anonymous browser tab, the end is known.
The opportunity or routine does it.
But it’s not just dopamine that fuels consumption. Watching porn and masturbating is not something you do in public, of course. For a young person who still lives with his family, it takes the right opportunities.
For example, when everyone is already asleep or the parents are out of the house. Precisely these situations become routine — and whenever they occur, they seduce you. Your parents go out unexpectedly in the evening? Then this is an ideal situation to masturbate. Are you really in the mood? It doesn’t matter — you don’t want to waste such an opportunity.
Especially the routine is the best sign for severe addiction.
What helped me to get out
Porn addiction is a severe problem. The consequences can be very unpleasant. But there is good news — most of the damage isn’t irreparable.
Erectile dysfunction is widespread among porn consumers; after a few days or weeks of abstinence from porn, the potency recovers. This is what happened to me, also.
There is no medication against porn addiction — the only practical thing is cold turkey. It is essential to know that masturbation is not taboo. You can and should masturbate without pornography.
The first days of abandonment are the hardest. Masturbation without porn scenes does not work — the erection problems are still too severe. Precisely at this point, you have to hang in there.
I know many young men who stand by their addiction. So the problem is that they don’t have the motivation to change. What motivated me the most was fear. If I met a girl and I was not sexually potent, I would be very uncomfortable.
Sources
[1]: https://cdn.unitycms.io/image/ocroped/2001,2000,1000,1000,0,0/3Ydy1ESsh9o/5VhxdCsTKreAOlkzAIVTxV.jpg
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