I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.
Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.
Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.
One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.
I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.
Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.
Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!
I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.
The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.
It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
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