I don’t mean to seem selfish by bragging about my story. I feel it’s obligatory though because being in the process of fighting PIED and porn addiction was so full of misery that I promised to myself, once I’m out of it, I must at least try to help others. I hope sharing my story can inspire someone to realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It all started last year when at the age of 20 I started going out with a girl, and things eventually got hot and heavy and I didn’t have an erection. She made me feel bad about it and after a month left me. I never felt more emotionally drained. Altogether it was a good thing though and I’m grateful for it because it had shed light on things I never would’ve realized without all that pain.
Firstly I realized that for about 6-7 years it has been a regular routine in my life to masturbate, sometimes multiple times a day. In my worst periods, I would watch some really disgusting things, as it is with this dirty addiction. After I had the epiphany that all this is not healthy, and it might be one of the causes for my current misery and lack of erection, I instantly stopped watching porn. It was absurd to me, how something so unhealthy could be normalized in our society to the extent, that it took me years to even comprehend that it’s unhealthy. This made me so disgusted I never even wanted to watch porn again.
It didn’t cure my addiction though, because the main symptom, that I could only get hard for porn, was still present. That’s why I started nofap. The initial disgust allowed me to go on a 30-something day streak. After that, I had some relapses (always without porn!) and some long streaks. I honestly don’t think that relapses are so important until you are still committed to your goal. (at the same time, relapsing with porn would’ve been a greater setback) I personally don’t think that the few relapses I had inhibited the process of rewiring my brain that much. I probably would’ve been cured faster if I didn’t relapse, but I believe stumbling is a natural part of walking, and it’s counterproductive to beat ourselves up due to it.
After about 3-4 months I started having wet dreams and morning woods and that was the first time in a while when I felt accomplished in this sexual part of my life. Of course, wet dreams can be scary at first, but they are a great milestone, showing you that your biological system is starting to function normally again.
During this time I had the opportunity to get into a relationship with another girl, but I was scared that I would go soft again and it would scare her away, so I kind of avoided the romance. I was so lucky though that she stuck by me, and we eventually started dating. It was very important in the early stages of our relationship to talk about these sexual anxieties as openly as possible. It was really hard to share (i literally struggled speaking when I told her my story), but she was there, she encouraged me, accepted me, and that started easing the anxiety. I was so anxious though, that for months it was only me who had done sexy things to her, I wouldn’t even let her get her hands into my pants because I would start to notice that my heart is racing, and I have trouble breathing properly. Still, she accepted this, and eventually, I got my first handjob. Then a month later I was able to get a blowjob. After that, it took another few months for me to be able to put on a condom (because at that point for some reason the condoms started to represent all my anxieties and traumatic experiences), but that also happened a few weeks ago. Today, I’m at a point where I managed to sweep all the anxiety out of the bedroom, and all that’s left is the pleasure, and I can tell you it was a painful fucking process, but it was so worth it.
2) My second realization occurred because after the girl from the beginning of my story broke up with me I started going to therapy. I never felt so alone and hurt in my life, and I didn’t feel like I had any friends or family to help me. Of course, I’ve been considering going to therapy for quite some time, but this gave me the final push.
During my time in therapy, I realized that what I perceived to be my reality, my needs, my thoughts, all these were so far away from what my identity actually consisted of, that it’s natural that my body starts producing symptoms, one of which was the erectile disfunction. In other words, I realized that my PIED is not only induced by porn, but it’s also a symptom of many underlying problems.
So I had to put a bunch of pieces to the right place inside my head, sort out a few childhood trauma, realize many emotional patterns, let all these go, and allow myself to become my true self. I’ve been going to therapy for 1.5 years now, and honestly, it has helped me in so many ways I can’t even describe it. It required great effort, great amounts of self-examination, and a lot of patience, but it was so worth it.
If I could give one advice, it would be that after you were lucky enough to realize you have an addiction and you have a question to answer for your own sake, you need to set goals to tackle the issue (NoFap is a great choice for this IMO); but at the same time, you shouldn’t tunnel-vision onto just that goal, because that will lead to a lot of frustration, instead you should focus on growing and developing yourself. Bettering yourself in other aspects of life will ease the frustration that PIED and porn addiction may cause, and also level up your character so much so, that your new better self will organically notice that it’s getting closer to its goal. During this process working out, cold showers, and meditation can be extremely helpful.
I really really hope somebody out there will find this story helpful. Again, my intentions aren’t to brag about my success, but to inspire those who may feel similarly, as I did after my problems came to the surface. I know how hopeless and lost someone can feel in a situation like that, that is why I’m here to say, that there is always hope and a brighter future, even if you can’t see it from all the misery. With some determination combined with outside guidance (either from a professional or a loving girlfriend), you can achieve a better version of yourself, that is far past its porn addiction and erectile dysfunction. It took me 1.5 years and huge amounts of emotional energy, but it was so worth it.
By – u/faking_schurke
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