Excerpt:
A lot have happened this year. I have had a lot of tough days also. I have struggled with anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, loneliness, rejection. A lot of stuff. But I have also ran my first marathon, I got a job within my line of work despite covid making it tough post-graduation, I’m in the best shape of my life.
A couple of weeks ago I can also say that I have a girlfriend. For the first time ever in my life. I have longed for that since forever and it has been a major motivation for me. Recovering for my future partner. Now I wanna keep doing this for my girlfriend. It is undescribable how much it means for me meeting her. I can’t grasp it. I thought this day would never come. I love her so much. The other day I opened up to her about my addiction also. I knew it was a risk bringing it up. But she took it so well and since then we have only gotten even closer to each other. It feels like a dream sharing this journey with a wonderful girl like that. I’m forever thankful.
[Background]
About a year ago, give or take a few weeks, I returned to this site. The last year have without exaggeration been lifechanging. And yes, my recovery has been the sole foundation for that. Let me elaborate.
To make a long story short, compulsive porn use has been a part of my life ever since I was eight or nine years old. I have memories going back until early childhood. I don’t know how it entered my life, if I got exposed to it or simply came across it. The only thing I do know is that it quickly became a frequent habit in my life. In my teenage years (I’m 26 now for context) I for the first time heard about porn being harmful and something bad. This was through church. I’m christian and raised in a christian context. The only way I heard about it back then was in short – it’s sinful and it’s disgraceful to consume it. Zero understanding or knowledge about addiction, or how it is. I felt like the loneliest person in the world for several years. Making halfhearted attempts in quitting it, reaching out to pastors now and then, trying to “pray it away”. I blamed porn and my circumstances, instead of taking my own responsibility. I was the person who did this to myself. Porn is always a choice. It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I for the first time heard about porn addiction as a thing, and what it scientifically did to your brain and so on. I then for the first time tried the first time to actually do something about it.
With a lot of luck and I guess willpower I made it for around 400 days I believe between 2015-2016. But I didn’t have any real foundation in to it and my life situation was very easy back then. The following year was less easy and I ended up dropping out of a education and fell into depression. I then caved for the porn again and it became a bigger problem and more harmful then ever before. For the first time I used it to numb myself and escape from my problems. I also want to add that since I was like 15, each relapse have made me feel numb and hate towards myself. It has NEVER been a pleasant experience. I have bashed myself for around 10 years, on a very frequent basis. This has led me to lack selfconfidence, selflove and have made me feel weak and made me a pushover in life in many cases. Yes, I made it through university pretty well and so on, but it has limited me so much. But back to the story.
So, last fall. The fall of 2019. That summer I felt alright and were dating a girl. It ended up not turning out to something and I saw the first light in a while in my life fading. A situation I felt like was standard for me. I then started binging gaming and PMO for a few months. Until hitting rock bottom. I felt like a zombie, a lonely wanderer in a grey mass. I felt nothing. My interests didn’t interest me at all. Every day just flew by. I didn’t care. I gained weight. I didn’t reach out to my family or friends. Later that year I was writing my bachelor thesis with a classmate, and it then got so clear to me that I desperately needed to end this self-torture. I felt like I couldn’t contribute at all to our work. My brain was just gone. I then revisited this website for the first time in maybe a year. I wanted to break free. I knew graduation were coming the following summer, life was starting for real. I couldn’t see myself finding a job or taking any steps in life in that awful state.
I returned to NoFap. I started to journal again. Loneliness have always been a huge trigger for me, and I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own. Previously I have had halfhearted attempts in terms of accountability. I have talked to friends, family and people from the site. I guess it’s also my fault, but people have rarely returned my offer of keeping tabs on me. Even though I know that most importantly I need to handle this, no one can recover for me. But still, I wish people would have taken the time in the past. But well, that was then. After my return on here I pretty immediately found a post about a accountability group. I remember this was after a relapse. I then thought, why not. It’s worth a shot, probably they will just be some weirdos and the group will fade out. Just like any other group I have been part of in the past. I joined the group. And it turned out to change my life, and I have been daily contact with those “weirdos” who I today call one of my closest friends.
That accountability group gave me exactly what I needed. Likeminded, commited people who really wanna do this. Willing to be truth to themselves, not blaming anyone else. Without being too much. Being realistic and humble. Thank you guys if you read this, I love you for all your help. For always being there. Know that I’m always there for you guys aswell. This journey isn’t over. Even though I hope our addictions will fade, I sincerely hope that our friendship never will.
The group gave me what I needed. I took steps and immedieatly had a streak of a 100+ days. My second ever longest back then. I also learned a lot from talking to them. After some bumps on the road and a few relapses I then made the decision to join the NoFap Zoom Calls in March. It has also been a gamechanger for me. Ever since I every wednesday spend time with some wonderful people, talking about addiction and supporting each other.
I usually say that good habits, good people and a good mindset goes a long way, if not all the way, in recovery. Only you know what works for you. And I’m so proud of myself for not giving up when failing this time. Previously I have always been a quitter. Now I try to do things to a 100%, wheather it is running a marathon or recovering from porn addiction. Along with the accountability I knew that most of all I needed to be true to myself. You can NEVER rely on other people. They can help you, but they can’t go Samwise Gamgi on you at all times, carrying you. You need to adress things in your life. For me it was for example throwing away a computer, removing social media for a while, setting goals in life, going home to my parents house frequently, stopped playing certain video games. Whatever it could be. And also, you need to find that inner drive. Why do you need this? What is your WHY? It might sound like a cliché. But with a WHY big enough, and a wellrooted commitment from within you can come a long way. No one is making you do this, you can stay there in your porn bubble. Relapsing every few days, “because it was tough”, “urges were strong”, “I was stressed” or whatever. END THE EXCUSES! If I can do this, you can too. I’m not a super saiyan monk or whatever writing this. I’m JUST LIKE YOU. The difference may be that I started believing in myself. Started to care about myself. Started to love myself for the one I am. And most of all I started to take ownership for my life.
Sorry for being a bit tough on you there maybe, but that is what it’s really about.
A lot have happened this year. I have had a lot of tough days also. I have struggled with anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, loneliness, rejection. A lot of stuff. But I have also ran my first marathon, I got a job within my line of work despite covid making it tough post-graduation, I’m in the best shape of my life. A couple of weeks ago I can also say that I have a girlfriend. For the first time ever in my life. I have longed for that since forever and it has been a major motivation for me. Recovering for my future partner. Now I wanna keep doing this for my girlfriend. It is undescribable how much it means for me meeting her. I can’t grasp it. I thought this day would never come. I love her so much. The other day I opened up to her about my addiction also. I knew it was a risk bringing it up. But she took it so well and since then we have only gotten even closer to each other. It feels like a dream sharing this journey with a wonderful girl like that. I’m forever thankful.
So, all this isn’t a result of NoFap superpowers. This is a result of that I started taking care of my life. Recovering won’t turn the tables for you, but it gives you the opportunity to turn the tables (sounded good in my head). Life will hit you when recovering. You then need to react the right way – facing it and not escaping. Stop running and instead face life right on. Surround yourself with the right people who support you, stay accountable and humble. Adress things in your life and make it possible for you suceed. Know that YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Porn isn’t an unbeatable monster. You always open the door for it, and can also keep it closed.
Don’t let your addiction define you. You deserve to live fully. And can do so starting NOW. This moment. Your selfworth does not align with your PMO addiction. You are wonderful and awesome no matter what.
Only you can take responsibility for your life.
All I know is that the last year and my progress in different areas have changed my life completely.
Guys, I won my life back – now I wanna keep it.
I wish you all the best.
LINK – Hey guys, I won my life back – now I wanna keep it. 230+ days.
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