I’m 26 and a couple of days ago I had my first everything with a girl – hugging, kissing, making out, sex – after having been on nofap (no PMO) for 80 days. On day 80, which was 4-5 days before the first night we spent together, I relapsed intentionally – disregard the counter – just to see if everything was working down there as intended, and also to try using condoms which I had never even bought until then, let alone used.
Now before I say anything else, I just want to point out that in those 80 days my life had changed beyond recognition – I am about to obtain my driving license, I moved out from my parents’ house and started living on my own and doing everything that encompasses (cooking, paying the bills, cleaning, washing clothes, ironing etc.), I started taking cold showers, stopped frequenting websites I thought had a bad influence on me (e.g. 4chan), started accepting every invitation to a social gathering I was invited to, changed the way I view work, and, last but certainly not least, took up dancing classes. I had never EVER considered dancing with anything less than condescension up to that point, but I have completely changed my mind now, and genuinely feel that it has forever altered me as a person for the better. It’s also an amazing way to become comfortable with physical contact with strangers (especially since the classes I’m taking teach Latin dances specifically, which tend to be somewhat intimate), find girls, and make you more sociable and likable at social gatherings altogether.
After having sex for the first time, I felt disappointment if anything. Why? Because 12 years of masturbation – and by extension porn – seem to have made it impossible for me to derive sexual satisfaction from anything else other than my hand in a sitting position. I haven’t told the girl anything yet, and she doesn’t suspect anything still because I’ve managed to orgasm every time (but only when she gave oral or a handjob), but having sex to me feels like inserting my penis into a warm bucket of water – without touching the rim – if anything at all. There is barely any friction, and if I closed my eyes I wouldn’t even be able to tell if I was inside the girl or not (the only indication of that being the fact that I can hear her moan). Granted, I am slightly below average in terms of girth, and dead average in terms of length, but when I’m fingering her I can put two fingers in and that’s only possible when she’s soaking wet.
Moreover, I absolutely cannot maintain an erection in certain positions – ones I’ve never masturbated in – such as lying on my back or kneeling. What’s more, I’m uncircumcised and it doesn’t feel all too comfortable to peel my foreskin completely when fully erect (everything is medically sound), and yet that is exactly what happens during sex and when putting on a condom. I’m in a terrible place now emotionally, I’d sooner to have never experienced sex than to have realised how damaged and unsuited for it I was. I know it’s not the girls fault, and I’m not sure how to even bring this topic up – I surely can’t simply state that sex doesn’t seem enjoyable whatsoever – and I enjoy cuddling with her a thousand times more than everything that precedes it. Luckily for me I had watched a ton of instruction videos on how to orally satisfy women before she came over so she’s managed to orgasm every time so far, but I’m not sure I can maintain the facade for much longer – and to what end exactly?
Having been sexually frustrated for many years, I now find myself even more frustrated with myself and what I’ve done to my mind and body. I find much conflicting advice on the internet as to what to do, and feel that there is no real remedy. I could invite her for sex every day because she has very high libido, but I find myself avoiding it and making excuses in order not to see her for fear of failure and disappointment on my part – something I never could have even imagined before losing my virginity.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully this gives at least someone more incentive to quit porn and at a younger age.
LINK – How masturbation may have ruined my ability to enjoy sex
By Maenz
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