And, finally, I am here today completing my first one month complete abstinence from PMO. At this time, I am feeling difference in my confidence, energy, mental peace and stability. The shame has gone away. That darkness is no longer existing inside me. I am defeating that monster which kept on killing me and my heart for the last eight years. I am getting cured from addiction. My mind is recovering gradually. Now, I am going to tell you my story from the beginning…….
From early childhood, I was a curious, active and enthusiastic guy. I had a very good academic profile in my school. I used to stand first position in every grade. Everybody called me ‘a studious champ.’ My parents were very satisfied with my studies and performance. To the contrary, I had a dark side of my life which was evolving slowly and gradually. When I was in seventh/eighth grades, I used to imagine having romance and sex with one of my beautiful lady classmates. At that time, I was around 14 years of age. She used to wear small shorts at school, and looked very attractive to me. I was a sort of attracted towards her. But, I had no conscience to propose her or something like that. This is because, I never wanted to disturb my study by engaging with girls. This was my traditional family-fed concept. However, I used to imagine every night after lying on bed about her. I used to imagine her as my girlfriend and she would visit me every other day……we would have romance and night stay…and sex…and much more. This process went on and off for the next three years when I reached grade 10. During that period, I was victimized by my OCD. I had lots of stress and frustration. I was not able to upgrade my studies as per my wish. In the first term of grade 10, I went to my friend’s home. I used to be very fascinated with cell phones as I didn’t have one. So, I took his mobile phone, and started to explore it…..beginning from photos, music videos, movies, and….all of a sudden that video!!!! My first encounter with porn video. A guy and a lady having sex in bed…I went to a separate room, and watched the whole video….and perhaps I enjoyed it somewhat…..!!
Days passed by, I took my final exams which was followed by 2-3 months holidays. I planned to learn some computer skills at the local training center. One day, after my computer classes were off, I went to the stationery where I used to buy all the study items for me and my brothers. I tried to read some magazines to pass a few minutes over there. Alas!! There I got the second encounter…..I came across magazine where I read a story related to sex affairs. I liked that story very much. A deep sense of pleasure ran through my mind. There were many other such sex related stories and writings in that magazine. I bought it home eventually. I stayed in isolation and started reading those stories which provided me erection with dopamine floods. Next day, I went to the same stationery, and bought many similar books and magazines……at this time containing semi-nude photos as well. I enjoyed reading them at my home. But, after that, I felt a bit guilty from deep inside. And, I disposed those magazines away, and promised not to repeat such actions again.
Days went on. I passed my grade 10 exams with unexpected low scores. I went to capital city for my higher studies. I got a scholarship, and admitted in a good college. I used to stay at college’s hostel with my roommate. During the first year of study, my condition became so pathetic due to OCD thoughts. I was very much anxious and depressed all the time. However, I was trying my best in studies. By and by, a festive season approached when the college remained closed. I and my roommate planned to go home, and we did a minor shopping at local market. We had already booked our tickets. At that time, I used to have a small cellphone with keys. But, I had got a memory card in it, and had stored plenty of music videos and audios in it. That day, all of a sudden, a thought came in my mind. A few weeks ago, I saw some of my seniors buying porn videos from the nearby mobile shop, and watching them inside hostel room. I thought I would download some porn videos from that shop, and would watch in my room at night. This thought was so compelling and thrilling that I asked my roommate to keep going to hostel, and I would wait for some personal work. I went to the shop, and asked for porn videos. That cost only a few penny and uploaded many porn videos in my memory card. With immense excitement, I went to my hostel room, took my earphones and started watching them one by one under the blanket. I kept on watching even after dinner past midnight. At the end, I was tired and felt a bit guilty and shame, I guess….. Quickly, I deleted all those videos and dozed off.
During my second year, I got porn videos from my friend who used to stay in the next floor in the same hostel. The time passed by, my two year higher secondary study was completed. From very beginning, I had an aim to become a doctor. So, I started preparing for my medical entrance exams. I failed for the first attempt. However, I kept on preparing. I used to stay in a rented room in the capital city. I am so thankful to my family who supported me every now and then. During this period, I used to have mental stress and frustration of not getting into merit list for the first time. However, I used to study very, very hard. I was very ambitious and determined. One day, I was so bored with myself and my daily routine that I started to imagine something related to sex and romance. I got a huge erection that fascinated me. At the meantime, I touched my penis, it felt pleasant to me. I hold it hard and slowly stroked it. Little more pleasure…… I started stroking it very fast. I felt a very unique sensation which I had never experienced before that. Wow, what a pleasure!! Suddenly, I realized that the widow of my room was open. I quickly shut it, and put off my pants and underwear. I started stroking my penis very hard and fast. I enjoyed it so much….I cannot express it…….!!!! After a while, a whitish fluid forcefully came out of my penis….and I felt enormous pleasure and relief. OMG…..I had had never sensed this thing in my life. I was amazed and thrilled!!!!………And, this was the first masturbation of my life.
Days went on, I kept on masturbating whenever I wanted. At that time, my brother was living with me. So, I used to masturbate in the bathroom, or after he slept. I got in merit list and got admitted to a medical college. During my first year medical school, I used to stay in rent nearby the college with few of my friends. This time, I had got a new cell phone with touch screen model. I was able to use college Wi-Fi since I was very near to the college. I used to watch videos in YouTube and had logged in the facebook for the first time. I was enjoying my journey of becoming a doctor in future….at the same time, my OCD was flourishing well. I used to have very bad days often due to OCD thoughts. I used to masturbate a lot by watching nude photos of porn actress. One night, when I was scrolling my cellphone, I came across a video clip….a porn video clip of course…which I was actually searching to watch. I got it….and I could download it in my mobile. I watched it and masturbated instantly. Then, I got idea to download more videos. I used to watch them and then masturbate and orgasm. But, every time after watching the videos, I used to feel guilty and used to delete them promising not to repeat again. This happened for a number of times. I realized that I was not doing good…something bad is happening with me…….so I tried to quit this trend….but I couldn’t. Every time, I used to say that it was the last time. I never knew that I was falling into porn addiction trap.
The episodes of watching porn clips and masturbating followed by guilty and promises of not watching again were going on. One day, I heard about a porn site from my friend. I quickly went to my room and opened that site. Amazing!! It was a wonderful site. Lots of high quality porn videos…nude girls and women…..videos of different genre…….I felt Wow………In this way, my habit shifted into watching high quality porn videos from low quality clips. This showed that I was growing that darkness inside me. This monster kept eroding me every day. I used to watch almost every alternate day or after every two days. I used to wait for high speed internet late night, and used to do those activities in my bed. Next day, I used to feel so dull and drowsy that I was not able to concentrate and perform well in my lecture room. I used to feel guilty and shame deep within after every porn session. But, I could not stop this pathetic habit. I used to open multiple tabs, and watched incest/rape/gangbang/elderly porns/amateur/adultery porns, etc…etc…etc……With due course of time, I stepped up in my academic years in my medical college. But, this habit didn’t change, instead it grew like everything. I started to selectively search the porn videos of my choice in google and watch it anyway. I used to go home during festive holidays, and used to make promises to quit this habit…but every time I came to my room, I used to crave for porn, and impulsively went into binge watching.
During my third year of medical college, I came to know that porn addiction also exists, and it is the most evolving addiction in present context. A lot of people around the world are suffering from it. They have destroyed their life, career and relationships due to this habit. I knew that watching porn degrade our mental, spiritual, emotional and sexual health. Therefore, I tried to quit this habit many times, but failed after every attempt. I relapsed every now and then. All my efforts went in vain. I could not stop myself from watching porns. In the meantime, I used to read sex stories from google as well. I used to masturbate quite often. I used to roam around different porn genres when I felt stressed or alone or when I got cravings. But, at the same time, I was struggling a lot to quit this addictive habit, and was failing time and again. During the fourth year, I visited a psychiatrist for my OCD problem. He prescribed me antidepressant/anxiolytic medications which I continued for the next one and half year. I did very good in my fourth year, topped the final university exam in my batch. After that, I prepared hard to quit this addiction before starting my final year. But, I relapsed again and again. OCD and porn addiction were simultaneously eroding my mental health. In my hostel room, when my roommate was asleep, I used to explore porn sites, watched them late night, and masturbated. After every relapse, I used to make new promises and strong efforts and determinations, but failed after a few days. I could never stay out of this shit for more than a week. This was my pathetic routine. Now, I see that time when I was living in a hell. The hell where I was confused and fearful. The hell that snatched my happiness and joy. The hell that shadowed my inner soul and spirit. The hell which was more than a hell!
I could not keep up my promise of quitting porn habit in the whole final year of medical college. Finally, the university exam (the final exam of undergraduate medical career) knocked our doors. And, this big accident occurred………..!!!!! I suffered a sudden bad health condition due to high level of stress and anxiety, which led to drop out from one test. Emergency treatment was done in our hospital. While lying in the hospital bed, a suicidal thought came in my mind. I thought to flee away forever, never returning back to my homeland. I thought to disappear from my reality. But, my Lord hold my hand and brought me back. While I was having severe mental conflicts in the emergency room, I was asking for a sedative. A nice lady intern doctor (my senior) came to me, and counseled me. Her soft and sweet voice soothed my mind and soul. I, now, realize that the GOD was speaking to me through her. She not only consoled me, but also encouraged me to take a new quantum leap. She praised me and my past academic performance. This obliterated my suicidal and negative thought process…… Now, I got a new light, a new energy. I looked out for time….Alas, it was already late to reappear my exam that day. Thus, I lost one of my tests, but not my hope anymore, not my confidence anymore. I took rest of the exams which went quite well.
After the exams got finished, I was volunteering in our Skill lab for one month or so. All of a sudden, COVID-19 pandemic surged up. The whole country was locked up. We had to return our home from capital city. This was another misery that postponed my supplementary exam for about eight months. All of my friends had already started their internship, but I was yet to complete one paper. This was the most stressful moment of my life. The whole world was surviving in pandemic era. The University was not announcing new notice of our supplementary exams. I had already returned to capital city from my home. I was living in a rented room near my college. The whole day was so chaotic and stressful. Initially, I was doing well. I was committed not to watch porn videos again. But, the situation constantly drove me into it. And, eventually, I went into porn binges. I used to download the most attractive porn videos from my friend’s room (as he had got a high speed internet), and then watched them to the best of my desire in my closed room all day long. I was already addicted to Japanese porns from the middle of my third year. This time, I expanded its horizon. I started to get some high quality Japanese porn videos along with English subtitle. I still remember that night when I watched porn videos for continuous nine hours at night. And, I masturbated for three times. Finally, after getting tired at 5 AM, I slept.
Slowly and gradually, COVID-19 started waning. Our supplementary exams were finished, and I started my internship finally. At the same time, my brother was preparing for medical entrance exam. We both decided to live in a rented room nearby my hospital. That place was very nice and peaceful. Here, I committed on the first day about not watching porn again. But, that high speed internet lured me a lot, and I eventually started watching porn videos. I tried so hard during my whole internship year to quit this habit, and cure my addiction. But, I really failed again and again. However, I made lots of progress in other aspects of life. I got the license of bike. I started doing lots of research works by collaborating with my friends and seniors. My internship duties went so well, and I learned all the clinical practices. Finally, I passed my undergraduate licensing exam, and became the registered medical doctor. But, my porn addiction was still evolving. My growing attraction towards Japanese porn genres never led me away from the addiction. I started searching more and more, from genre name to actresses’ name, multiple variants of same videos, searching for English subtitles, opening around 50 tabs at once……OMG…OMG…..that dopamine rush…that dopamine flood in my mind……my pathetic mind had to bear all these shits!!!!
After my internship was over, I was posted to a rural hospital of my country for two years under government contract. The internet service was available to this place. And, I again committed not to watch porn from that time. And, likewise, I broke my promise, and started watching porns a lot. I had already got into a new Japanese porn website containing very high quality videos with English subtitles. This was what my craving neurons wanted. But, however, at the same time, I was preparing for my postgraduate exam, and was doing well in my duties. But, porn addiction was still developing with full strength inside me. In the middle of that year, I met a girl online. She was very beautiful, and she also liked me. We started chatting and talking online. Slowly, I proposed her to stay in a relationship, and she accepted. We kept on talking over and over. Slowly and gradually, our conversation started becoming romantic. We started talking late night in bed regarding romance and sex. We planned to meet and stay overnight, have sex and all. Later, our conversation became fiercer. We started watching porns by sharing screen. I used to masturbate while talking to her. We used to kiss each other on phone. This was a very poisonous relationship, just a physical attraction which was accompanied by porn habits. In the middle of this relationship, I met a new girl at a marriage site. She was also from medical field, a medical doctor. She told me that she already had a boyfriend with whom she had sex many times. I started to talk her on phone as well. Moreover, we used to kiss each other on phone and masturbate together. I also asked her for sex once we meet. She didn’t deny. She actually liked me and wanted to build up a relationship. But, I didn’t find her attractive as she was so fat and stout. In this way, I was slightly engaged with real world for the first time even though it was a little bit toxic. And, I was slightly detached from my addiction. That was the first time when I had abstained from watching porns for around three months. Nevertheless, I was masturbating quite often. At the end of the year, my relationship with both these ladies ended somehow….and now I again started watching porn videos a lot.
The second year of my posting began, but I kept on relapsing again and again. You know, I used to ask for help in my mind when I got cravings. I was committing mental suicide every now and then. However, by this time, I was a bit more committed and behaving like more responsible guy. My family was looking for a girl for my wedding. They started sending me the photos. I started to think and act differently. And, I was able to gain victory over this evil……This story begins here……
From the beginning of this year, I started to educate myself regarding porn addiction and methods of cure. I started surfing over YouTube and Google day and night. Finally, the GOD listened to my prayer and hard work. I came across this wonderful person. She is Dr. Trish Leigh, a cognitive neuroscientist and certified sexual addiction recovery coach. I watched her YouTube videos. They were really energetic and inspiring. She really gave her expert opinions in her videos. I believed in her fully. I subscribed her channel and started following her one month series which was conducted last year. I could not join the online group led by her because of lack of sufficient money to pay. Besides her, I joined early morning Commando training organized by Coach Bhupendra Singh Rathore. These two steps changed my life. Day after day, I used to watch Dr. Leigh’s short videos, and used to note down valuable things she told. And, by the GOD’s grace, I climbed up from that dark hole, and successfully completed my one month porn free streak.
During this one month of abstinence from PMO, I had dreams of relapse and nocturnal emission once. I dreamt of strong urges and edging porns. I used to get urges after waking up in the morning as well. Likewise, there were big urges to edge porn sites while resting in my bed during daytime. The urge once popped up while I was in bathroom. Similarly, I used to get strong erections that were rock hard during the initial half of the month. Most of the times, I didn’t react, and the erections would fade away. A few times, I used to touch my genitalia and feel my erect penis, and then quickly get away my hands. My mind started to think that porns are fake and unreal. While I was on my day-14th, my sister-in-law commented on video call that I really looked more charming and brighter than before. At that moment, I realized that I was really recovering from addiction this time. Sometimes, erections used to be of long duration like 30-40 minutes, but I used to turn my deaf ear towards them. And, they eventually went off. A few nights, my sleep was disturbed. I had strong urges when I got sleep latency. I still remember those two nights (21st and 24th day), when I was not able to get sleep. And, suddenly, I got a strong urge to at least open porn sites. The monster inside was telling me to just open only. The former night, I got up from bed and took the cellphone to look porns…..!!!! But, GOD saved me. I just opened facebook, and started to send a friend request to some beautiful ladies that appeared in the friend request suggestion. And, after an hour or so, I put the phone on the table and slept. The latter night, I had lots of mental stress due to some institutional conflicts throughout the whole day. I could not fall asleep even though I was tired and drowsy. I suddenly woke up with an urge/impulse to open porns in my cell phone. But, GOD helped me. There was no functioning internet. Thank you my Lord. And, then, I waited for 15 minutes for the internet to become functional. Thereafter, gradually, the state of my mind got completely changed. Finally, I took cell phone data package, and watched some videos in YouTube and Facebook. I didn’t go for porns any longer. Hurrah!! I won this time as well. In the last week of this month, my erections were not so rock hard and frequent. The urges started waning. I no longer imagined romance and sex related events. And, with all these efforts, with the immense guidance of Dr. Trish Leigh, and with the grace of GOD, I completed my 30-day abstinent period successfully. For the first time, I felt that I succeeded. In this way, the termination of my eight year-long darkness began.
Today, I am very happy, confident, stable and empathetic. There is peace in my mind and satisfaction in my heart. I feel like I am departing from a hell. I have realized that the black cloud has got the silver lining. I am coming back from the grave of darkness. I am returning from the valley of monsters. I am leaving my bitter past for a better future. I now promise from the core of my heart that I will never indulge in activities and events which lead to the dark world of pornography. I will try my best to support other nice people whose life has been invaded by this demon. I will support every soul out there, and every powerful beings who are thriving every day. From now onwards, I will never fall in the traps of any sort of addictions.
On this win-win occasion, I would like to thank every person, real or virtual, who directly or indirectly helped me in my journey. My very, very special and heartiest thanks to Dr. Trish Leigh, who brought this light in my life. She is like my mother who protects me from every plight, who prays for my betterment, who wishes for my best in every situation. I thank you my Lord Almighty for bringing this success in my life. You have always been a great savior!!!!
You know my friends, even though I remained relapsing in these eight years, at the same time, I tried very hard and worked very honestly to quit this habit, to end this addition. There is always a ray of light at the end of tunnel. If we keep on trying with good heart, we do not remain unpaid. The whole universe works in our favor if we align our body, mind and soul towards one goal.
And, there is a long journey to go…..It’s just a one month that I am talking about. First of all, I need to complete three continuous months of abstinence that remains a conventional duration of recovery. Of course, I should remain free from this addiction for good, throughout my whole life. This will always remain my big aim, a big project anyway. To the contrary, I still have many challenges of relapse. Since I am a medical student, I have to constantly work over internet and need cell phones quite often. I could not completely avoid them. This is my weak point. Next, I do not have female partner (or spouse) yet with whom I could share my emotions, get help when needed. This is another loophole. However, my strengths are my GURU Dr. Trish Leigh YouTube videos, my strong and honest commitments, my bright and exciting career ahead, and of course beautiful lady out there with whom I will marry eventually. Overall, the most powerful Lord Almighty is there looking after me, guiding me properly, feeding me and caring for me.
I wish you all the very best to all the beautiful souls out there. My blessing are always with you. You will definitely win one day. You are a warrior who becomes victorious. You are a king who defeats all the enemies. There is GOD inside you that owes the highest good. You are the most powerful being. Good luck ahead.
Thank you.
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