I wanted to share my story in hope that it might help other people on their porn recovery and self improvement journey.
I started watching porn around the age of 12. I had a lot of anxiety and OCD as young, it really damaged my self esteem. I looked up to action heroes and men displaying courage, resilience and strength. Me myself I was afraid, shy, small and skinny. I felt weak, and I hated how I was, I hated my lack of courage and how i was so controlled by fear. I became obsessed about becoming a strong and tough man, like those I idolized in the movies.
I ended up training like crazy, i thought becoming a lean mean fighting machine and a great athlete was the solution for my feelings of inadequacy. I ended up starting with martial arts and was training running and lifting through all my teenage years.
Porn was my drug during that time, I didn’t see it as a problem back then.
Everybody watched it, it was normal, it was supposed to be a healthy outlet, a way to experience our own sexuality and sexual taste etc. It was always there when I felt bad, when I was bored, when i was sad, when I was tired or had any bad feelings I wanted to escape.
So the years went by, and by age 19, I was in a relationship, we had regular sex, I enjoyed the sex and we had a good relationship. I had stopped watching porn in the beginning of the relationship but started again after a short time. By chance I came over an article talking about how porn might be affecting users in multiple bad ways. I ended diving deep into it, reading everything I could find about how it might affect us in many ways and that it could be addicting. It made sense to me, and I already felt bad about watching porn in secret from my girlfriend. I was the most fit and in shape guy in my class, and I was also the most disciplined, i didn’t drink alcohol, didn’t do drugs and didn’t party. I identified myself with being disciplined and having great will power, addiction was something I viewed as a big weakness, I wanted to be strong, a master of my own body and mind. So I tried to quit porn.
I wasn’t able to, I relapsed. And I tried again, and I relapsed again, and so it went on.
During my years of watching porn I was training and preparing to start competing in boxing, I always dreamed about being an athlete and becoming a successful professional boxer. But I was scared and lacked the courage. Anyway, during the same time I discovered the effects of porn I was in my all time low, I felt bad and wasn’t happy. I wanted to change my life, I didn’t want my fear to stop me from trying to pursue my dreams.
So I started to compete in boxing over the years, wanting to became a champion, still together with my girlfriend, still trying to quit porn.
To make it short, during my years struggling with porn I became amateur national champion and i won another bigger championship consisting of multiple countries. I even turned professional and had my first pro fight before I managed to quit porn. I think it’s very showing of the addicting nature of porn, when I had the grit and perseverance to push through training and stay disciplined and become national champion and was on the national team, but I didn’t manage to quit porn.
Over the years, porn started impacting my life more and more.
I stopped caring for sex with my girlfriend, it was work, I wasn’t interested, she stopped turning me on anymore, I just wanted to go watch porn when i was alone. I started having trouble getting a hard dick for real sex.
I later understood I had some underlying issues regarding my mental health. I had been suppressing my emotions all my life, I had a bad anxiety as a kid, and I have always been a very sensitive guy, I ended up suppressing those things cause I didn’t wanna be like that, I saw them as less masculine and weakness. Anyway, my issues suddenly started resurfacing again at the age of 29, and I ended up in a life crisis, questioning my life and what I’ve done with it. I hadn’t been true to myself or others, I’ve had been living a lie. I’m not gonna go into it all, cause it only takes me away from the point and true value of this story.
When I was at my lowest I started drinking and smoking weed, I started working on myself and my problems. The thing I was most ashamed of in my life was that I was addicted to porn and that I hadn’t been able to quit, for 10 years I had tried, and for 10 years I had failed. The first 8 years I wasn’t aware of the bad effects and therefore didn’t try to quit it.
So, while I was working on myself and my own mental health, I started working on accepting myself and what is. Part of that was accepting the fact that I was addicted to porn, I was always fighting it, trying to quit and telling myself everytime that this is the last time. This time I’m done, but I never was, I always feel back. I managed to stay away for over 100 days at one time but fell back.
When I accepted that I was addicted I decided to try a different approach.
I told myself, you have tried for 10 years quitting for life, holding myself up to the highest standard, this time I’m gonna be more gentle with myself. This time I said, I’m probably gonna slip up and relapse again, and that’s ok, it’s how it’s been for the last years. But this time I’m gonna be a little better each time I have a setback. It took me 6 months from that point, and only 3 relapses, until I quit for good. I could tell very early on that this time was different, I could feel it in my body, I knew I had made a true decision. Now, I’m 11 months in, haven’t relapsed one time, get the urge from time to time still. But let me tell you all, those 11 months have been a roller coaster of emotions. Look into PAWS, post acute withdrawal symptoms, the withdrawal symptoms come back in waves and hit you again like from out of nowhere.
Feel free to ask me questions, I wanna help and share what have helped me.
I’m practicing meditation, cold showers, journaling, reading, still pursuing my career as a professional boxer. Ive started going to a psychologist to work on myself and I’m still going. As part of my inner work I’ve also had a few mushroom trips and I’ve been microdosing as part of my healing. And I try to spend time in nature everyday. And i start my day going outdoor getting sunlight in my eyes first thing in the morning.Now I’m having the best sex of my life, and my sex drive is the highest it has ever been at age 30.
What is clear to me is quitting addiction to porn is hard and it takes work.
You have to work on yourself, and be patient with yourself. Shame and guilt is the worst feelings, they only push you back into addiction. Accept your own weaknesses, we are only humans, we live in a world filled with instant gratification and temptations around every corner. We are affected by social media and superficial ideals and values all around us, it’s a tough fight in today’s modern world to be able to withstand temptations that do us no good, they are everywhere. Start by accepting you as you are, here and now, dont be too hard on yourself, be patient with yourself, want good for yourself, cause you deserve it. It will pay off!
Feel free to reach out, I hope I can be of help or support!
Peace and love
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