First time poster. Coming up on 90 days reboot goal. Man, it’s been a long time coming. I’ve failed repeatedly for the last 20 years or so (almost 34 now). 20 years! I’m afraid to even think about what I could have been if I was able to get a hold of this sooner. And it’s not like I didn’t know it was bad for me. Just couldn’t let go of it.
A couple thoughts that could maybe help others, and I know it will be helpful for me to get this out there.
This is life or death. I’m not exaggerating. Being under the control of this addiction as far as I’m concerned is like walking around dead inside. After years it eats away at your soul and you become numb to things around you. Wife/gf, kids, music, friends. I felt so shitty most of the time that I couldn’t look all the good things I had in life in the eye because I felt undeserving. If only they knew who I was (and you are what you do repeatedly).
It’s a letdown every time. The girls on the screen, the hit of dopamine I get when I finally sit down alone with my screen, the feeling of release from everyday problems, all of it is not reality. It’s going to end sooner than I think and it never, not even fucking once, was as good as I expected it to be. And I’m left with an empty feeling inside and feeling like I failed, again. I’m not going back to that. You’ll have to kill me first.
Cold showers. Each time I PMO there’s a little uncontrolled thought that I need to suppress. It says “look at you, you’re a loser. This is what you are?”. And I’d have to counter with some argument about how I’m really a good, strong person I just have this problem I need to control. But we all now it’s bullshit. That initial thought was right and is a powerful motivator. Which brings me to my point.
When I cut porn, I also cut out hot showers. I went full fucking drill sergeant on myself. I needed to get control of my body which had run circles around me for so long. Any way I could show it whose boss, I was game. So no hot showers.
About 2 months in I had to drive cross-country. When I finally arrived the only thing I wanted was a hot shower and to sleep. Just absolutely dead tired. If there was ever an excuse to allow myself a hot shower, just this once, it was now. But somehow I mustered the courage (I still don’t know how tbh) and turned the knob to it’s coldest. When that water hit me, for the first time in years, that voice which had been calling me a loser all these years said, and I swear these were the exact words, “You are a fucking beast”. Just like that, I didn’t have to come up with reasons and list any accomplishments to illicit the reaction. It may seem like a small victory but after so many years of hearing my subconscious mind be disappointed in me this was huge. It was like those cold showers are healing me slowly from all those years of letting my body run amok. I get chills writing this. Self control, it’s the only way to self worth. Not money, fame, or any other lie they try to sell you. I fell for it all for way too long.Don’t let today be the day I fail. Tomorrow maybe, but not today. I’ve gotten through incredible hardship with that mindset and I’m applying it to this, which if I can get under control, will be my biggest win yet. By a mile.
Bottom line for me was/is this. After all the times I tried under my own willpower and discipline to quit, what did it for me was asking god for help. I’ll never forget lying on the floor (really, I felt like I couldn’t go on another second) after another failure and telling god that I can’t do it alone. If this is going to happen I’ll need your help, and if you do love me, you’ll pull me through.
Keep the hope brothers.
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