So it was around the end of last September that I last used porn. I have continued to masturbate. I have had a few moments when I felt tempted but have never been close to using porn. This isn’t the first time I tried to stop using porn. I have used pure willpower in the past and it worked for a week here and a few days there but I would always get to a point where it just happened.
I would eventually start watching fetish and then tranny porn and things would stay that way until I felt the resolve or disgust with myself to try and stop again and round and round it went. This went on for 10 maybe 15 years.
The changes are subtle now I am porn free. I have seen an increase in my desire for sex with my wife. I seem to be achieving more day to day; I started back exercising I have been socialising again. The best thing for me though is I don’t feel the shame that I used to.
Watching tranny porn always happened as a result of me needing more and more extreme images. Vanilla porn worked for a while and then I would always gravitate on the tranny porn it created such a rush of dopamine I knew it was wrong for me and I guess that’s why I went to it. It gave me really bad HOCD this is compulsive thought that I must be gay because of the content I was watching. Once I learnt the chemical and psychological process that was going on in me I started to be able to take back my life day by day. I now have very little HOCD I feel that with a bit more time this will completely disappear. I truly feel saved.
But this all comes with a warning! I believe that porn is an addiction its a sex addiction and like any other addiction its easy to stray back on it if you become complacent if you take your eye off the ball or if you don’t try and deal with the underlying issues that led you to seek comfort in something outside of yourself.
So I have made good progress and the shame has lifted somewhat and I am taking it a day at a time. The challenge for me now is to begin to build and create a life, a self, whereby I don’t feel the need to constantly use porn to fill the void within myself that I felt and sometimes do still feel. The challenge is to not replace porn with a new substance, the challenge is to get comfortable in my own skin.
2018 is about being porn free but it is also about me, about me taking care of and looking after myself, not in a selfish way. In the sense that I need to stop doing things that are bad for me porn, binge drinking, beating myself up, having unrealistic expectations and thoughts about myself, being unkind to myself, not loving myself. I have no counter I don’t know the date that I last PMO’d its about the end of September I think. I am not counting I am trying to carve out a better life where porn is a thing of the past and new habits and a new way of being is born.
LINK – Where I am at 3 months and not counting
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