First of all, I apologize for my delay in responding. I know that I am not the most active member of this forum (or in any other), but people here have helped me a lot, and I want to give the favor in return. That said, I am going to try to structure this post a bit.
BACKGROUND.
45-year-old male with 30 years of intensive and daily pornography behind me, including edging, compulsive masturbation, increasingly strange deviations and all the practices that in this forum are classified as toxic and negative. Depressed, suicidal, socially incompetent and with erectile dysfunction with real women. A lost case with my dopamine receptors burned and crushed by three decades of constant porn. If someone wants more detailed information, you can follow this link: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/19576/
CONSIDERATIONS.
This is my third serious attempt, I am currently on the 108th day. I think I should mention this point, because I failed twice before, and still there is hope. After my first two failures, I coldly analyzed the causes of them, trying to learn something. Sadly, I found that… my life sucked. I was fat and socially incompetent, I lived in a foreign country 3000 km from my only 3 friends, and I was trapped in a dysfunctional and asexual marriage. The porn addiction was actually an attempt to make up for all of that, so there is no use fixing this particular problem if the rest of the building falls apart.
Therefore, and taking advantage of this restart, I have tried to rebuild my life and transform it into something better. After 45 days in “monk mode” (eliminating even porn thoughts or erotic fantasies), I have found that I have an iron willpower, and I have taken advantage of this push to join a gym. I have forced myself to go ALL days. Contrary to what I thought, my energy level is very high (although it fluctuates a bit, and some weeks it is just “normal”), and after a grueling morning at the gym, I can still work 8 hours and come out fresh, when 4 months ago I was exhausted BEFORE going to work.
I was also addicted to computer games, a fairly common problem among people with a porn addiction (Yes, I have a lot of problems. Did I mention it was a lost case?). If I can overcome porn, I thought I could overcome this problem too, so since day 60 I have radically eliminated computer games. I’m currently going for day 48 without games, and I’ve noticed that while my social anxiety has subsided (which is good in itself), my productivity has literally skyrocketed. Now I spend all those wasted hundreds of hours in starting my own business (the passion of my life) and even in improving my German. Never in my life have I been so productive, and my mood has improved tremendously. Some days I just feel … happy. For this alone, this trip has already been worthwhile.
SEXUAL ASPECTS.
This is perhaps the most complicated section. After the first few weeks, and for most of the reboot, my libido has dropped to almost 0. I am aware that getting out of the “flat line” sometimes requires a rewiring process, and interacting with the opposite sex, but in my case, I face two problems:
I am unhappily married to an asexual woman and I live in a foreign country. My only realistic option for sex is prostitutes. We are talking about cold and aseptic sex, without time for foreplay and without any connection with the other part (who just wants to take your money and get you out of there). Not the best option for rewiring.
I am afraid of sex. It is hard to admit it, but from my mother (who beat me when I was a child) to my current wife, all women in my life have humiliated me, laughed or taken advantage of me. I have no positive previous experiences with sex, or simply with women, but instead I have a lot of negatives. A tough case, huh?
In spite of everything, I have decided to be a better person, and to face problems like a man, instead of avoiding them. On the 101st day I went to a brothel… and I have not been with any girl, simply because of fear. I have been able to talk to them naturally and without fear, my social anxiety has completely disappeared, but… I have not dared to go up with any. Saddened by failure, I have relapsed on day 101 (And yes, this point is important).
Determined to deal with my problem anyway, I tried again on the 106th Day. My emotional state was simply one of panic. What I really wanted was to run out of there, but I forced myself to go upstairs with a girl, using my willpower to force myself to do something that I didn’t want to do at the time, but that I would regret not to try.
The result has been a technical success (strange, right?). After 1 minute of manual stimulation, I have managed to penetrate satisfactorily, with a hardness of 100%. After 5 minutes, I have suffered a premature ejaculation, a problem that other rebooters have already encountered, so this was not entirely unexpected, especially after so long. I have not enjoyed the act, it has seemed to me something cold, empty and mechanical. I have not been attracted to my partner (despite her excellent physique), and I have had to excite myself with manual stimulation. It is not the best of results, but they were not the best conditions, and in any case, a penetration is a success. PIED cured.
CONCLUSIONS.
Summarizing. After 106 days:
* I have eliminated my addiction to video games. My productivity is huge.
* I have been to a gym, and I have greatly improved my fitness. Even with 20 years I have not been so fit. That helps A LOT when nude in front of a girl, at least my body is up to the task.
* I have improved my self-esteem, and I have eliminated my social anxiety. I left the world of science because of my inability and fear of public speaking. Two weeks ago I embarrassed a waiter in front of 60 people who tried to scam us, a week ago I was talking to three half-naked women at the same time. I have no social anxiety.
* I have cured my PIED. The situation is not perfect, as I have explained, but I have managed to penetrate even a few days after a relapse (IMPORTANT: For all those who read this: a relapse is a bump, it is not a hecatomb. Many relapses are. If you’ve been clean for three months, having a slip doesn’t reset the counter, I’m speaking from my own experience). I think it’s early to talk about a complete recovery, but we are talking about just 3 months… versus 30 years of intensive porn.
* I am happier in general. I feel like a new person. I look back and don’t understand how I could have lived like this. That alone has made this trip worthwhile.
And that’s all, for now. I will continue for a while on the forum, and I will be happy to answer any questions. If a case as bad as mine can get ahead… anyone can.
Update:
I actually feel “happier” in general. My energy is VERY high. I can go almost everyday to the gym AND go to work after that, and i´ll still be fresh at the end of the day. I stop playing videogames, and my productivity is incredible. I also don´t have ANY social anxiety, and I have no fear of talking with anybody or beeing in a group of persons.
The only aspect I don´t feel fully “cured” is the sexual aspect. My libido is low, since a long time. I can even have sex (4 months ago that was impossible), but I feel it like a little… forced, and I don´t really enjoy it. I think I will may need a little more time, some other people report more benefits after 6 month or so. Recently I started having cravings again about watching porn, but I´m not going back to that way, the benefits mentioned above exceed what I am going to obtain with porn. Ah, I almost forgot it: after my last relapse in day 101, I lost almost all my energy, happines and motivation for over 2-3 days, I don´t want to feel so miserable again. Stay away from porn, it is stronger as you think!
LINK – Hard, lost case. Succed after 106 days.
By – Strecker
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